Soooo Awk!

This weekend, we took to OK Cupid to see how women were portraying themselves to potential suitors.

We’ve posted before on OK Cupid’s interesting research into what does, and doesn’t, make a profile successful, but today we want to talk about something we saw again and again on women’s profiles: “being awkward.”

Women listed it as one of their talents, as one of the first things people noticed about them, as a main point in their “about me” sections.

American culture definitely rewards self-deprecation. A person who mentions his accomplishments is seen as stuck-up elitist, while a story-teller who manages to make himself look as clumsy or getting by on luck alone is called “down to earth.”

But when you’re trying to attract a partner (or really even friends, for that matter), it’s much harder to make yourself look desirable when you’re so busy pointing out your flaws.

And “awkward” is a particularly hard flaw to sell.

There’s nothing worse than being on a date with someone who can’t make conversation. He says the wrong things, he gives one-word answers, he makes you uncomfortable just looking at him. No one wants to go on a date with someone who’s so awkward she has to warn you about it ahead of time.

But, of course, these women probably aren’t that socially inept. They’re just trying to be funny, or “real,” or they think it’s a hip thing to put on a dating profile—to show that they don’t care as much as you might think.

 We’re not going to devote a whole post about how absurd we find the whole concept of awkward, of how the people who are sensitive to awkwardness are rarely the cause of it, about how as soon as you decide that a situation isn’t awkward and carry on as though you couldn’t be more comfortable, the person/people you’re with feel immediately at ease.

But we will say this: “awkward” never appears on a list of traits people are looking for in a partner.

So not only are these women guilty of false advertising, they’re making themselves out to be less desirable than they really are.

Do yourself a favor: if you have the word “awkward” anywhere on your OK Cupid profile, go in and delete it, immediately.

If you don’t, we might just have to edit your profile for you.

Men to Avoid in Online Dating: Part 2

One of the depressing things about OK Cupid is the map that must’ve been underwritten by U-Haul. If you’re not familiar with the list of cities with the largest number of potential members, chances are your dating site of choice has given you some reason to believe the grass is greener in another city, whether it’s your highest match on record, conveniently located on the other side of the country, or a sneak peek at singles in other cities.

You’ve spent six months dining out on a bunch of someone elses’ dimes, and you’ve convinced yourself that the problem isn’t you, it’s the District of Columbia.

There just aren’t any good guys here. They’re all too focused on their careers/underpaid/still interning/overpaid, and you’ve had enough!

So when PhillyCheeseSteak29 messages you to tell you he comes to DC once a month on business, you think, “Finally, a change of scenery!”

Here a long-distance relationship, as seen by men: you wake up and have to call her. No sex. You get to work and have to deal with three e-mails detailing how you two are “growing apart.” No sex. You spend $500 on a plane ticket to visit her, and, while you’re there, you drop another 5 hundo on meals, etc. Sex, at most, three times.

It’s no wonder this guy’s on the hunt for a relationship that spans multiple zip codes.

No matter what his excuse is, he’s not looking for a relationship if he’s looking outside his metropolitan area.

Men to Avoid in Online Dating: Part 1

            

            The first few weeks of online dating usually pass by in a blur.

You can’t even respond to your e-mails because you’re too busy checking out who’s viewed your profiles, taking mind-numbingly pointless (but somewhat addictive) quizzes, and figuring out the proper response to a wink (answer: ignore it).

But after a while, the pool of eligible partners starts looking smaller and smaller, and you’ve rated so many people in your city that your Quickmatch comes up empty.

As desperation starts to set in, your standards embark on a nosedive that begins so subtly you don’t even realize it’s happening.

And this is when you become the perfect target for the two biggest wastes of time at the virtual singles bar: married men, and people who live in other cities.

In approximately one out of two marriages in the U.S., boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl live happily ever after.

The other half 1) deicide it’s not working, 2) split up, and 3) meet new people.

There’s nothing wrong with a person who failed at marriage the first (or second or third) time around. There is something wrong when said person decides that step three should come before step one or step two.

Divorce isn’t a regular breakup. When your boyfriend tells you he wants to see other people, he never has to say the word “asset.” When your husband delivers  the same message, you suddenly have to divide up things you never even realized you only half  “owned” (cars, houses, friends, family members, pets, health insurance).

We’re going to skip over the “emotionally available” bullshit that some women use to justify or oppose the practice of dating married men. You should be thinking about your emotions, not his, and regardless of whether or not his “feelings” are ready for another roll in the hay, yours aren’t.

Let’s start with the obvious. This guy is ready to cheat on his supposed life partner, and regardless of what you think of marriage as an institution, he took commitment one step farther than he had to when he said, “I do.” When you’re dating a guy, you might agree not to see other people, but you haven’t entered into a legally binding agreement that basically only says that you won’t see other people. So if he’s ready to screw monogamy with this woman, what makes you think it’ll be any different with you?

Then there’s the fact that he’s still married (or separated, or anything other than legally divorced). If he really wanted out of this marriage, he’d be out, and he’d be too busy sorting out the legal implications or building a new life to sign up for a free trial on Match.com. If he’s still living with his wife, or attending couples therapy, or even keeping the marital status in name only, he hasn’t made up his mind, and don’t fool yourself into thinking you’ll be the deciding factor.

People go crawling back to former partners after they see what else is out there. No one buys his ex a take-me-back diamond when he’s rediscovering the joys of keeping the seat up, drinking milk out of the carton, and brining home a different woman every night of the week. It’s after he tries to settle down with a new woman that he realizes how much he misses the way his ex-wife made the bed each morning.

Long story short: when you date a married men, you’re entering into a messy, emotionally turbulent situation that has a lot of potential for pain with only the slimmest glimmer of hope for payoff. You don’t have to be a gambler to figure out that the odds aren’t in your favor, and you’d be better off waiting for a better split.

What Not to Put on Online Dating Profiles

Filling out a profile on a dating Web site can be more stressful than college applications. You want to come across as sexy, but not slutty; funny, but not at your own expense; and desirable, but not desperate.

How do your capture your wonderful, intriguing personality when sites impose character limits? We’ve posted tips from OkTrends blog.okcupid.com before, but those writers seem to be on a permanent vacation, and as the weather gets warmer, you’re probably more tempted to see what’s out there.

But what’s should you say when you’re trying to attract a potential partner?

That’s hard to say, but we came up with a few don’ts while pursing sites this weekend.

The first (and perhaps most important) is: don’t talk about sex. Period. Don’t mention it in your likes or interests. Don’t joke about it or make references to past sexual experiences. The word “sex” shouldn’t show up on your profile at all—even as part of a compound word/modifier.

Unless you have something on your profile that suggests otherwise (i.e., “I’m waiting for marriage”—which probably isn’t worth mentioning, even if you are), it’s pretty much a given that you like/enjoy/engage in sex. So there’s no need to prove your sexuality.

And have you ever noticed that the people who spend the most time talking about sex/how good they are in bed tend to be really bad at sex? People who have healthy sexual appetites don’t need to talk about because they have nothing to prove. When you’re satisfied with something, you don’t brag about it.

So when you talk about sex, you run the risk of looking a) unstable, b) a dramatic oversharer, and c) someone who feels the need to talk a big game to make up for other sexual inadequacies.

Don’t make a list of attributes you’re looking for (even if the site asks for it). Anything specific enough to describe in a few words (i.e., I like blondes who make six figures) can easily be ascertained by looking at the guy’s profile. And chances are, you probably signed up for a free trial because you’re sick of meeting the same guys with different names at bars. When you make a list of must-haves, you risk coming off as superficial and materialistic, and you limit your options. Even if you wouldn’t dream of dating someone who didn’t have an Ivy League education, a guy from Harvard might be turned off if he sees that on your profile. And the guy who shares your dreams and ambitions may have graduated from BC. The point is: you probably don’t really know what you want. So keep it off your profile.

Don’t be overly negative. You don’t have to fake a nauseatingly sunny disposition, but don’t talk about things you don’t like (even if you’re trying to highlight your hip irreverence), personal flaws, or anything else that’s more on the negative side.

Your mother always told you that you catch more flies with honey, and while we always hated this analogy because we’d rather just open a window than have to deal with dead flies, but people tend to want to spend time with people who seem like they’re having a great time. Negative declarations are probably going to scare away more people than they’ll attract, so keep them off your profile.