A Few Words on Perfume

The other day a (female) friend of ours enlisted a (male) European to show her how she should wear her scarf. He demonstrated on his own neck, and before returning the scarf to her, he held the scarf up to his nose and conspicuously inhaled, which made the entire table burst out laughing.

“What?” he said. “Sometimes a girl’s scarf smells so good from her perfume!”

This got us thinking. If the smell of perfume is so enticing that this guy will go out of his way for it—and not only that, ignore pretty much all social conventions to get it—could Sephora be the answer to all dating woes?

 The olfactory glands can be powerful persuaders. Certain smells can trigger strong emotions when they hearken back to your past, and there’s nothing like finding (and smelling) an ex-boyfriend’s old t-shirt to set you back two weeks in the grieving process.

Those Old Spice ads might have driven you crazy, but we bet you’ve lingered in the deodorant aisle and debated whether or not you could get away with one whiff.

A light, feminine fragrance has the same effect on men. Is it going to make him fall in love with you? No. Will it help you find your future soul mate? Definitely not.

But if a guy gets wind of a pleasant smell, will he find himself wanting to talk to you without knowing why? Perhaps.

If nothing else, it can’t hurt. The next time you’re out of mascara, consider switching to drugstore brand and put the savings towards a new bottle of something sweet.

Zen and the Art of Pubic Hair Maintenance

We’ve talked about this before, and there’s no right answer to the shave or not to shave conundrum.

1) The close trim. Some girls see this as a lower-maintenance alternative to the hygienic feeling you get from shaving (or waxing) it all off. And while the look (and feel) might great for you, it’s kind of like a guy’s third- or fourth-day stubble. When you nuzzle your boyfriend’s face on a Sunday, it’s kind of itchy, right? Same thing goes for this particular pubic haircut: it irritates the guy’s skin.

A full bush is more of a soft cushion for a guy’s pelvis to land on. A waxed pubic region is like sliding in your socks on a newly polished floor. But the in-between? It’s like the rug-burn you get from slide tackling on Astroturf.

If you don’t want the hassle of maintaining a prepubescent nether-region, or if you prefer to leave some hair down there, you’re better off keeping some areas completely bare, and where there’s hair, keep it long.

2) Shaving it all off and neglecting the labia. Yes, it’s scary to take a razor to the inside of your vagina. But when a guy thinks he’s getting porn-star smooth and he opens the package to find a few errant hairs, it’s the same feeling you get when you ask for an iPod and your parents give you an off-brand mp3 player.

Besides, these are the most troublesome hairs to deal with. Blowjobs would be even worse if a guy’s pubic hair was on his shaft rather than scattered around the base. 

If you’re going to let the forest run wild, don’t worry about the hairs inside. But if you’re going to shave it all off, that means removing everything. Everything.

Does It Matter Where Your Date Went to College?

            If you’re in DC, chances are you have a pretty decent education under your belt.

Between the interns looking to work the fact that they universitied at New Haven into every conversation and the Georgetown grads who are all-too-cognizant of the fact that theirs is the most prestigious school in town, no one seems to see an associate’s degree as a viable option to $200,000 of college loans.

In one of the few American cities where your alma mater is still relevant ten years out, what should you do when you meet a guy who’s undergraduate degree ranks a few (or more) notches below yours on the US News and World Report? 

This question is an inherently icky question most of us wouldn’t admit we’ve asked ourselves. But it’s not necessarily as superficial or simple as it might seem.

The most important thing to remember is that the average American family’s annual income is less than one year of tuition and expenses at the top private universities ($45k vs. $50k).

And that’s just the average.

A family of four that’s pulling in $80,000 is doing well, statistically speaking, but that doesn’t mean they can drop the 50 grand it takes to feed, house, and educate a Georgetown co-ed.

The guy in question may have received a fat admissions letter from Tufts and an even fatter full ride from a smaller-name school in the Midwest, and at the end of the day, the school on his diploma is much less important than what he learned.

And that is worth being picky about. But, again, not in the way you might think. Whether or not he can recite the names of all U.S. presidents alphabetically is much less important than whether he can think, carry on an engaging conversation, and stimulate you intellectually.

A friend of ours started dating a guy who went to a school that’s famous for basketball and partying. She was having doubts, because she felt like their conversations lacked substance—they seemed like kinds of things you’d talk about at a post-game party.

Harvard grads watch Gossip Girl too, and if you’d rather be talking politics, it’s up to you to initiate.

Try to take the conversation where you want it to go, and if he can’t keep up, well, then maybe it’s time to reconsider.

If intellectual conversations are important to you, and he’d rather be reciting Dane Cook jokes, you’re going to have a harder time enjoying each other’s company.

But don’t assume anything. And when you’re getting to know each other (whether it’s on a date or at your best friend’s house party), try to get him talking about something he really cares about. Ask about hobbies, interests, things he does in his free time, and if he sounds passionate, keep him going.

Maybe he uses his calculator to calculate the tip, but could talk for hours about Stanley Kubrick’s films. You have to decide which is more important (or, if you can’t decide, which holds your interest).

The relationship probably won’t work if you don’t enjoy talking to him. But you’re 50 percent of the conversation, and you owe it yourself to give him the chance to dazzle you with his intellect.

The bottom line is, if you’re judging someone solely on his class ring, you’re limiting your dating pool to people who share your particular snobbery. 

Office Romance

A friend of ours works for a huge corporation that requires her to attend company-wide meetings every few months or so. She keeps meeting this guy there who works in a different office, and they’ve really hit it off.

She figures that, because they work at separate sites, it won’t be one of those things where they’re walking down the hall together and everyone starts gossiping as soon as they pass.

When work consumes three-quarters of your waking hours, it’s tempting to multitask. Why go on dates when you can meet one in the office?

We all know people who’ve had successful office flings. But we also probably know more people who’ve regretted the holiday party make-out. It may have worked for Jim and Pam, but remember what happened to Michael and Jan?

If the relationship goes sour, you’ll be left, in the best-case scenario, feeling a little awkward, and possibly worse. Breakups and relationship drama rarely make people respect either party, and if your coworkers are on the receiving end of any rants, it’s not going to reflect well on you.

He may be great at fixing your computer, but that doesn’t mean he’ll be a perfect boyfriend. Your chances of sustaining a successful relationship are probably no greater than they would be with a friend of a friend, and the foaf isn’t going to blab to your boss. So why take a huge risk for the same rate of return?

It’s hard in DC when happy hours and co-workers night out seem to be the norm, but there’s a huge difference between drinking with and dating your colleague.

That’s why, if you absolutely must, you have to start off as friends. And then become good friends. And then—and only then—are you ready to let him take you to Ray’s the Steaks.

You might be able to puke and rally in AdMo in front of your cubemate without worrying that the whole office will know about it on Monday, but chances are you two didn’t start off doing shots of tequila. You probably went to a few happy hours, exchanged phone numbers, started hanging out, really hit it off, and slowly built the sort of trust and mutual respect that means you can talk to her about leaving your job.

That’s a good litmus test for your potential coworkerboyfriend. If you trust him enough to talk about career ambitions beyond your current job, you’re on the right track.

Going back to our friend, this is why it’s actually probably a better idea to date guys in the same office. The Philadelphia office is only an e-mail away, which makes the distance less of a shield and more of a barrier.

What kind of relationship, realistically, develops between two people who live a few hundred miles apart? And getting to know each other beforehand is a lot harder if you can’t really hang out. You’re more likely to end up as a weekend bootycall road trip than the serious girlfriend.

There are plenty of guys that you don’t work with, which means there’s no reason to date the ones you do.

Is He Into You?

A friend of ours has a crush on a guy. The problem is that this guy happens to be dating one of her coworkers.

She doesn’t feel any particular loyalties towards this coworker, but she doesn’t want to make things awkward at work.

And on top of that, she isn’t sure the feeling is mutual. The problem is, there are signs. Like last weekend when he cabbed over to Virginia to meet her at a bar. Or a few weeks ago when he brought her favorite kind of a beer to a house party she was hosting.

Each act of kindness caught her off guard and spent her head spinning—into daydream territory full of “what ifs” and “what does this mean?”

She’s not staying up late at night charting his interactions with her to try to discern a pattern, but she is thinking about it a little—and who wouldn’t? When you’re excited about something (or someone), it’s fun to hype yourself up, to convince yourself that you’re not totally crazy and there is really something there.

So she wonders what it meant when he jumped in a cab without worrying about the $20 fare, but we all know how easy it is for wonder to transform into reassuring ourselves that the interpretation we’re hoping for is, in fact, right.

And so the “What did he mean by that?” becomes an excuse to tell yourself that he’s definitely into you.

The problem is, this is mostly a waste of time. You can’t really “know” until he asks you out, and even if he is interested, there’s a huge difference between being mildly intrigued and wanting to pursue a relationship. In other words, he might like you, but he might not want to date you.

But the more time you spend decoding his e-mails and coming up with convenient excuses for why he hasn’t asked you out yet, the more of an investment you’ve made in this totally hypothetical relationship. The more you invest in something, the more you want it to pay off.

And so the more you think about him, the more your crush grows, the more you can’t stop thinking about him; basically: the more you think about him, the crazier you feel.

Of course, not thinking about him is much easier in theory. In practice, every time you see him, well…

You have to work to ignore your attraction. In an ideal world, you could distract yourself with a new guy. But the best coping mechanism is the one that works even if your office blocks OK Cupid, and it involves training yourself to think of him in totally platonic terms. Every time you feel yourself obsessing, take a walk, start a blog, make a 5-year plan, whatever. Remind yourself that, at the end of the day, he’s just a person, and if he can do it for you, you can probably find someone else in the 6 billion you have to choose from.

Role-Playing 102

Yesterday, we talked about why and how you should add role-playing to your sexual repertoire.

But it can be hard, at first, to come up with scenarios that don’t include the phrase, “I’m here to fix the cable.”

It’s really only a matter of advanced planning. If you decide you want to role-play, come up with a few scenarios ahead of time (e.g., doctor’s office, student-on-professor) in case your first pick isn’t doing it for your partner.

In general, different things work for different people. If you want to reenact the Battle of Gettysburg, try it. If it’s not working, you can always just start having plain-vanilla sex.

But we would like to talk about two scenarios that seem to be very popular among women: virginity and rape.

Rape is serious. It’s a crime, and it’s wrong, and it’s a traumatizing, soul-shattering experience.

But human sexuality isn’t always as black and white as morality, and that gray zone leaves room for a lot of sexual fantasies people wouldn’t want to explore in real life.

A surprisingly large number of women have some combination of curiosity and fantasy when it comes to rape, and if you’re one of them, don’t beat yourself up about it. A rape fantasy is just that—fantasy, and when it’s in your mind it can still feel safe enough to romanticize.

If this is something you want to act out, you don’t have to feel guilty about it, but you definitely need to plan.

Simply put: if your role-play involves rape, you have to talk to your partner about it ahead of time. You need to have a safety word that has nothing to do with sex, because with this kind of role-play, stop doesn’t really mean no.

Make sure that you trust your partner and trust yourself—if it starts feeling wrong or upsetting, don’t be afraid to call it off. Above all, make sure you feel safe.

Don’t feel pressured to try this one out if you’re not comfortable—if your partner brings it up and you’re not having it, don’t be afraid to say so (and if your partner brings up a rape fantasy without realizing that it might make you uncomfortable, you might want to reevaluate your relationship).

The second scenario is decidedly less controversial, but it’s equally as prevalent and feels almost as taboo. Virgin and rape fantasies probably both stem from a desire to feel dominated, but, again, if you want to pretend that someone’s loosing his/her virginity, you should definitely talk about it ahead of time. Come up with a safety word and make sure he knows it’s coming—this definitely has the potential to get strange if one party isn’t prepared.

The virgin fantasy can also be a great set of training wheels for a couple just starting to experiment with role-playing. It allows the women to assume an innocent, submissive persona that might feel much more natural to someone who’s not used to trying new things in the bedroom. It’s also somewhat familiar territory—if you’re having sex, you had to have lost your virginity at some point along the way.

The key to role-playing is to step outside of yourself. You might feel embarrassed telling your boyfriend that he’s been a naughty boy, but the camp counselor/nun/whatever doesn’t. And that’s the thing about role-playing: it’s not you saying or doing these things.

That gives you the freedom to go a little crazy, and that inhibition usually pays off. 

Role-Playing 101

Role-playing is a lot like vacation days and money from your parents: it’s hard to ask for.

Women worry that if they bring up, they’ll come off as sexually depraved, and men assume their suggests will be shot down.

But two groups of people stand to gain a lot from a little after-hours acting: couples looking to spice up their sex lives and women who feel shy and intimidated when it comes to sex.

The first group is pretty obvious: you can (usually) only have sex with someone so many times before it starts to get stale, and role-playing (and really any other sexual experimentation) is a great way to make it feel new again.

Women who are still figuring out how to embrace their sexuality, on the other hand, might not seem like the most likely candidates. But by allowing participants to assume another identity, role-playing lets otherwise timid women (and men) become characters who don’t feel so shy about what they want. So maybe Mary’s uncomfortable having sex in front of a mirror, but her school-girl alter ego isn’t.

So how do you bring it up with your partner? You have two options: you can either talk about it beforehand, or you can just… do it. Walk into the bedroom in a long white button up and say something like, “Are you ready for your checkup?”

Or wait until you’re nakedly grinding all over him and say, “Hey, can we pretend that I’m a teacher, and you’re my misbehaving student?” Once someone’s turned on, almost everything seems like a good idea, and when he’s in that mindset, he’ll be much more likely to go along with it.

Role-playing is one of those things that most people really get in to once they’re there.

So what should you act out? Check back tomorrow for some suggestions.