Yesterday, we had a heated gchat debate with one of our (male) readers, who posed a very thoughtful question. He asked us, if we could change one that would improve male-female relationships/dating and people’s overall happiness, what would it be?
Our short answer was: level the playing field.
In our experience, the average man is a lot better at playing hard to get than the average woman. You exchange numbers with a guy on your kickball team and he sporadically returns your texts. You go on one date with a guy and it takes him a week to get back to you.
Women, on the other hand, are often eager to shower their love interests with attention. They text the guy they met at Local 16 last weekend at noon to say how his day’s going, because they wish he would do the same for them.
Men, on the other hand, seem to realize that, if you want a girl to pay attention to you, your best bet is to ignore her.
The more a guy ignores you and the more that you question whether or not he likes you, the more you tend to convince yourself that he’s the one for you. The more time and energy you put into pursuing and/or fantasizing about someone, the more your brain (which has a tendency to assume that we really desire things we put a lot of effort into) thinks, “I must be in love with this person.”
The harder we work for something, the bigger the payoff. So when you finally snag the guy you’ve been pining after for months, it feels great.
If both sides could play hard to get and take it slow, the buildup would convince each side that he/she was in love with the other. And when they finally got together, overall happiness/satisfaction would increase because they’d finally be getting something they wanted for so long.
Of course, passion and desire aren’t going to make a relationship last. Compatibility, which we basically boil down to shared values and common interests, goes a lot further than a fluttering stomach. But it’s harder to evaluate compatibility when you’re drunk on lust.
In the end, we’re not sure what we’d change. Perhaps it’s better to learn how to work the current system so that it all works out in your favor.
Showing posts with label how to get a guy to date you. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to get a guy to date you. Show all posts
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
Girl Friends: A Follow Up
Yesterday, one of our readers wrote in in response to yesterday's post.
I think your characterization of girl (space) friends of guy friends is not only wrong but plays into reinforcing societal misconceptions about integrating sex into male/female relationships and gives women in general, a bad name. I think that while yes, that can be true for some girls, it’s unfair to say even that most girls are that way. I have a lot of guy friends that I have zero sexual tension/chemistry with, that I would happily play wingwoman for and help set them up with interested girls. All of my female friends are the same way. A lot of us are like brother and sister and have our friends’ best interests at heart - and so if the girl is awesome, we'll hook it up. Just wanted to let you know that women are not all scheming, conniving and territorial.
We totally agree. While we think you have to watch out for girls who are a little territorial, this reader is right. Not all girls are going to sabotage your relationship with their guy friends (just as not all girls are going to be as eager to hook you up).
But we also think this reader pointed out something that we should have emphasized more yesterday. “If the girl is awesome,” she says, “we’ll hook it up.”
The problem is, it’s hard to look awesome if you seem like you’re obsessed with a girl’s friend.
We were on the receiving end of this a lot in college. We had a close guy friend who had a penchant for convincing girls that they were in love with him, and these girls would try to get in with us by saying, “Hey, nice to meet you, I’m in love with Zack.”
If you legitimately treat these girls as friends and show them how cool you are, you can eventually broach the subject of their guy friend’s love life. But if you don’t even pretend to be remotely interested in their friendship, why would these girls want to help you out?
If you pretend to befriend these girls and drop the crush bomb too quickly, it doesn’t reflect well on you. And think of it this way: if a (seemingly) crazy girl came up to you and demanded that you hook her up with one of your friends, how would you feel?
No one wants to feel like she's being used. So if you want to get to know that cute guy’s girl friends and then ask for their help, you’ll have a higher rate of success.
But the other issue is, it’s hard to tell which girls are going to help you out and which ones aren’t. And while our reader certainly has the right attitude, the girls who don’t are sometimes really good at disguising their true motives.
If there’s no other way to get in with this guy, appealing to his girl (space) friends might be worth a shot. But we’ve all had at least one girl promise to hook us up with her friend, and two weeks later she’s dating the guy in question.
So there aren’t any hard and fast rules when it comes to using a friend as an in. But the more genuine you can be in pursuing these girl’s friendships, the further it’ll get you in the long run.
I think your characterization of girl (space) friends of guy friends is not only wrong but plays into reinforcing societal misconceptions about integrating sex into male/female relationships and gives women in general, a bad name. I think that while yes, that can be true for some girls, it’s unfair to say even that most girls are that way. I have a lot of guy friends that I have zero sexual tension/chemistry with, that I would happily play wingwoman for and help set them up with interested girls. All of my female friends are the same way. A lot of us are like brother and sister and have our friends’ best interests at heart - and so if the girl is awesome, we'll hook it up. Just wanted to let you know that women are not all scheming, conniving and territorial.
We totally agree. While we think you have to watch out for girls who are a little territorial, this reader is right. Not all girls are going to sabotage your relationship with their guy friends (just as not all girls are going to be as eager to hook you up).
But we also think this reader pointed out something that we should have emphasized more yesterday. “If the girl is awesome,” she says, “we’ll hook it up.”
The problem is, it’s hard to look awesome if you seem like you’re obsessed with a girl’s friend.
We were on the receiving end of this a lot in college. We had a close guy friend who had a penchant for convincing girls that they were in love with him, and these girls would try to get in with us by saying, “Hey, nice to meet you, I’m in love with Zack.”
If you legitimately treat these girls as friends and show them how cool you are, you can eventually broach the subject of their guy friend’s love life. But if you don’t even pretend to be remotely interested in their friendship, why would these girls want to help you out?
If you pretend to befriend these girls and drop the crush bomb too quickly, it doesn’t reflect well on you. And think of it this way: if a (seemingly) crazy girl came up to you and demanded that you hook her up with one of your friends, how would you feel?
No one wants to feel like she's being used. So if you want to get to know that cute guy’s girl friends and then ask for their help, you’ll have a higher rate of success.
But the other issue is, it’s hard to tell which girls are going to help you out and which ones aren’t. And while our reader certainly has the right attitude, the girls who don’t are sometimes really good at disguising their true motives.
If there’s no other way to get in with this guy, appealing to his girl (space) friends might be worth a shot. But we’ve all had at least one girl promise to hook us up with her friend, and two weeks later she’s dating the guy in question.
So there aren’t any hard and fast rules when it comes to using a friend as an in. But the more genuine you can be in pursuing these girl’s friendships, the further it’ll get you in the long run.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Survey the District: Don’t Want to Miss a Connection
dear date the district,
after college, a bunch of my friends and i moved to dc. most of us have been hanging out together on the weekends. recently, i've become really interested in this one guy from my college-- we were more like acquaintances in college, probably having a handful of conversations over a couple of years. i don't have his number or anything and i've only seen him one time really briefly since we both moved to the city. i think he's been hanging out with more of work friends than college friends. from my minor facebook stalkage it appears that he is still single. i'm debating talking to one of my friends who is a better friend of his about my infatuation, but not sure if that's the best thing to do. i think anything related to facebook or umm buzzing him on google is also a terrible idea? i am usually a fan of playing hard to get but i first need to find this guy before i can start the whole game playing process. any advice?
Hopefully yesterday’s post shed some light on how you could go about seeing him.
The most important thing is not letting him know that you’re interested, it’s spending more time with him.
In fact, the worst thing you could do is have your friend (or Google Buzz—speaking of, is anyone still using that?) spill the beans about your crush.
Mutual friends often seem like a good way to get in with a guy. Like we talked aboutbefore, a guy’s girl (space) friends almost never have your best interest at heart.
Even if this mutual girl friend swears she’s not interested at all, and even if she has a boyfriend, she still has feelings for this guy. They might not be romantic, but they’re almost certainly territorial—after all, we all know what it feels like to have a guy friend drop off the face of the earth thanks to a new girl(no space)friend.
And if this mutual friend is a guy, do you really want him as your advocate? Think about how guys talk to each other. When you say, “Just tell him that I think he’s cute,” there’s a good chance that the message he relays to your crush will be more on the lines of, “Julie’s, like, in love with you. I think she wants to bone you.”
Even if you’re just asking the mutual friend for advice or confirmation of his marital status, he/she’s gonna get the message. No girl asks if Johnny’s single because she wants to set him up with her friend.
Play it cool, and realize that you’re not going to get the chance to hit it off with every guy you like.
Sometimes the timing just doesn’t work out, and as much as it sucks, there’s not much we can do about it.
The more you force it, the more you hurt your chances of actually getting the guy. It’s hard to play hard to get when he knows you’ve been stalking him for the past few months.
The best thing you can do in this situation is stop obsessing about him.
We all do it. We all imagine that the quiet guy in our senior history seminar didn’t talk because he was harboring such intense, profound feelings. We start picturing ourselves on dates with him. We mentally plan our wedding day. Our first child is born in our minds and—surprise—the quiet brooder is still madly in love with us, pregnancy belly and all.
But these fantasies do way more harm than good. Because you know so little about this guy, you’re free to imagine him as being totally perfect for you. But if you did get to know him, you’d probably realize that he talks too much about sports or never washes his socks or has a thousand little quirks that would irritate you to no end.
The more we obsess about these ideal crushes, the more we close ourselves off to reality. And if you’re sitting around waiting for the chance to run into this guy, you might miss out on some real-life guys.
That doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush on this guy. And that doesn’t mean you can’t “happen to show up” at events you know he’ll be at.
But don’t waste too much time thinking about something that, logistically, might not work out.
Keep your feelings to yourself. And who knows? You might hit it off at homecoming weekend.
after college, a bunch of my friends and i moved to dc. most of us have been hanging out together on the weekends. recently, i've become really interested in this one guy from my college-- we were more like acquaintances in college, probably having a handful of conversations over a couple of years. i don't have his number or anything and i've only seen him one time really briefly since we both moved to the city. i think he's been hanging out with more of work friends than college friends. from my minor facebook stalkage it appears that he is still single. i'm debating talking to one of my friends who is a better friend of his about my infatuation, but not sure if that's the best thing to do. i think anything related to facebook or umm buzzing him on google is also a terrible idea? i am usually a fan of playing hard to get but i first need to find this guy before i can start the whole game playing process. any advice?
Hopefully yesterday’s post shed some light on how you could go about seeing him.
The most important thing is not letting him know that you’re interested, it’s spending more time with him.
In fact, the worst thing you could do is have your friend (or Google Buzz—speaking of, is anyone still using that?) spill the beans about your crush.
Mutual friends often seem like a good way to get in with a guy. Like we talked aboutbefore, a guy’s girl (space) friends almost never have your best interest at heart.
Even if this mutual girl friend swears she’s not interested at all, and even if she has a boyfriend, she still has feelings for this guy. They might not be romantic, but they’re almost certainly territorial—after all, we all know what it feels like to have a guy friend drop off the face of the earth thanks to a new girl(no space)friend.
And if this mutual friend is a guy, do you really want him as your advocate? Think about how guys talk to each other. When you say, “Just tell him that I think he’s cute,” there’s a good chance that the message he relays to your crush will be more on the lines of, “Julie’s, like, in love with you. I think she wants to bone you.”
Even if you’re just asking the mutual friend for advice or confirmation of his marital status, he/she’s gonna get the message. No girl asks if Johnny’s single because she wants to set him up with her friend.
Play it cool, and realize that you’re not going to get the chance to hit it off with every guy you like.
Sometimes the timing just doesn’t work out, and as much as it sucks, there’s not much we can do about it.
The more you force it, the more you hurt your chances of actually getting the guy. It’s hard to play hard to get when he knows you’ve been stalking him for the past few months.
The best thing you can do in this situation is stop obsessing about him.
We all do it. We all imagine that the quiet guy in our senior history seminar didn’t talk because he was harboring such intense, profound feelings. We start picturing ourselves on dates with him. We mentally plan our wedding day. Our first child is born in our minds and—surprise—the quiet brooder is still madly in love with us, pregnancy belly and all.
But these fantasies do way more harm than good. Because you know so little about this guy, you’re free to imagine him as being totally perfect for you. But if you did get to know him, you’d probably realize that he talks too much about sports or never washes his socks or has a thousand little quirks that would irritate you to no end.
The more we obsess about these ideal crushes, the more we close ourselves off to reality. And if you’re sitting around waiting for the chance to run into this guy, you might miss out on some real-life guys.
That doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush on this guy. And that doesn’t mean you can’t “happen to show up” at events you know he’ll be at.
But don’t waste too much time thinking about something that, logistically, might not work out.
Keep your feelings to yourself. And who knows? You might hit it off at homecoming weekend.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Survey the District: He Just Said No to Sex
Dear Date the District,
I've been hanging out with this guy for about a month now, and we've gone out together a bunch of times and have had a lot of fun together. We've seen each other every weekend, and always end up spending at least one night together having a sleepover. Most of the time we see each other/hook up, it’s sober. So I told him in the beginning that I just wanted to take things slow, and not have sex right away, which he was really cool with, although we have been doing the naked makeout. So last night, I figured I was ready to have sex with him. We went to a mutual friend's birthday at a bar last night and had a great time. So we came back to my place, and I was like "Sooo...I think it's been a long time we've been hanging out, and I wanna have sex with you tonight." Obviously I was a bit drunk if I was that blunt. But anyway, then he's like, "Actually...I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I dated a woman (she was 32! and he's 25!) for 2.5 years, and we broke up a few months ago. So I don't wanna just jump into having sex with you right away. I really like hanging out with you, and want to continue to get to know you before we have sex. I don't want to bring sex into it now and complicate things in case they don't work out. I don't want to have sex with you right now and have you get attached and hurt you if things don't work out."
What do you think about all that? Should I take offense, like is he pretty much saying he isn't sure whether he likes me enough, and isn't sure if things will work out between us so he just wants to keep it casual? Or does he like me, and just wants to still test the waters with me for a bit before having sex?
A single, 20-something guy turning down sex?
We’re confused too.
Does he like you? If he’s been pursuing the hook ups, there’s a good chance that he’s attracted to you. And if he goes out of his way to hang out with you, we highly doubt that your personality is the problem.
Because we don’t know this guy, and because everything else about your relationship sounds pretty par for the course (in 20-something dating land, that is), the only thing we have to go on is what he said to you that night.
Is it the whole truth? Probably not.
But there’s a good chance that the I’m-still-getting-over-my-serious-relationship thing isn’t far from where he’s coming from.
Meaning: It’s not about you. It’s about him.
We kind of doubt he’s trying to keep things casual. In guyworld, “keeping things casual” usually means hooking up with as little commitment/attachment as humanly possible. So if he were trying to keep things casual, he’d probably want to have sex with you before he decided whether or not he liked you.
If this guy is used to dating older women, he might have a different perspective on sex. Maybe his last girlfriend made him wait, and he thinks it always works like that.
Or he could be nervous. Maybe he’s worried that he doesn’t have enough experience (and it definitely sounds like he hasn’t slept with anyone new in at least 2.5 years).
The unfortunate fact is, he's the only one who knows why he said what he said. And no amount of attempted mind reading will change that.
All you can do is try to decide whether or not you want to be with him. Yes, this is definitely unexpected behavior, but if everything else is going well, this guy’s temporary chastity might not be a deal breaker.
But if this guy says no to sex, he’s not entitled toa naked makeout.Whatever his deal is, the naked makeout will probably only make it worse. If he’s still trying to decide whether or not he likes you enough to sleep with you, why does he get a blowjob in the interim?
We’d advise you to take things even slower. Cut back on the sleepovers (or eliminate them all together) until both of you are ready to do the deed. Try getting to know him (and letting him get to know you) before you make a decision about what to do.
I've been hanging out with this guy for about a month now, and we've gone out together a bunch of times and have had a lot of fun together. We've seen each other every weekend, and always end up spending at least one night together having a sleepover. Most of the time we see each other/hook up, it’s sober. So I told him in the beginning that I just wanted to take things slow, and not have sex right away, which he was really cool with, although we have been doing the naked makeout. So last night, I figured I was ready to have sex with him. We went to a mutual friend's birthday at a bar last night and had a great time. So we came back to my place, and I was like "Sooo...I think it's been a long time we've been hanging out, and I wanna have sex with you tonight." Obviously I was a bit drunk if I was that blunt. But anyway, then he's like, "Actually...I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I dated a woman (she was 32! and he's 25!) for 2.5 years, and we broke up a few months ago. So I don't wanna just jump into having sex with you right away. I really like hanging out with you, and want to continue to get to know you before we have sex. I don't want to bring sex into it now and complicate things in case they don't work out. I don't want to have sex with you right now and have you get attached and hurt you if things don't work out."
What do you think about all that? Should I take offense, like is he pretty much saying he isn't sure whether he likes me enough, and isn't sure if things will work out between us so he just wants to keep it casual? Or does he like me, and just wants to still test the waters with me for a bit before having sex?
A single, 20-something guy turning down sex?
We’re confused too.
Does he like you? If he’s been pursuing the hook ups, there’s a good chance that he’s attracted to you. And if he goes out of his way to hang out with you, we highly doubt that your personality is the problem.
Because we don’t know this guy, and because everything else about your relationship sounds pretty par for the course (in 20-something dating land, that is), the only thing we have to go on is what he said to you that night.
Is it the whole truth? Probably not.
But there’s a good chance that the I’m-still-getting-over-my-serious-relationship thing isn’t far from where he’s coming from.
Meaning: It’s not about you. It’s about him.
We kind of doubt he’s trying to keep things casual. In guyworld, “keeping things casual” usually means hooking up with as little commitment/attachment as humanly possible. So if he were trying to keep things casual, he’d probably want to have sex with you before he decided whether or not he liked you.
If this guy is used to dating older women, he might have a different perspective on sex. Maybe his last girlfriend made him wait, and he thinks it always works like that.
Or he could be nervous. Maybe he’s worried that he doesn’t have enough experience (and it definitely sounds like he hasn’t slept with anyone new in at least 2.5 years).
The unfortunate fact is, he's the only one who knows why he said what he said. And no amount of attempted mind reading will change that.
All you can do is try to decide whether or not you want to be with him. Yes, this is definitely unexpected behavior, but if everything else is going well, this guy’s temporary chastity might not be a deal breaker.
But if this guy says no to sex, he’s not entitled toa naked makeout.Whatever his deal is, the naked makeout will probably only make it worse. If he’s still trying to decide whether or not he likes you enough to sleep with you, why does he get a blowjob in the interim?
We’d advise you to take things even slower. Cut back on the sleepovers (or eliminate them all together) until both of you are ready to do the deed. Try getting to know him (and letting him get to know you) before you make a decision about what to do.
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