You always find something when you’re not looking

When people are in the mood to dish out dating advice, many love to say, “You always find something when you’re not looking.”

The implication is that relationships only come along when you’re so frustrated that you stop looking, like the universe is taking pity on you or something. And the “advice,” if it can even be called that, is what—to stop looking for a relationship?

This relationship platitude is kind of like saying, “When you lose something, it’s always in the last place you look.” It sounds right until you think about it for .2 milliseconds, and then you realize this gives you nothing and you’d be better off burying a statue of Saint Francis upside-down in the backyard.

“You always find something when you’re not looking” also has some ring of truth to it—you’re more likely to find a relationship when you’re not spending 12 hours a day on match.com—but it’s not because you’ve stopped looking.

The people who seem most attractive to members of the opposite (or same) sex are those who seem happy, well-adjusted, confident, and, most important—busy. When someone seems like she has a full and exciting life, other people want to be part of it.

When you “stop looking” (which we would translate as “stop looking desperate”), you’re sending these kinds of signals. Your life seems so cool and interesting that you’re not going to drop everything to look for a boyfriend, and that’s precisely why guys are going to want to be yours.

So the trick isn’t to stop looking; it’s to make it seem as though you’re not looking. To project a persona that seems too awesome to settle for just anyone, and to market your life as something that everyone should want.

This means not skipping your yoga class for a date with a guy you met at Russia House. It means not showing up for singles mixers (do they even exist anymore?) and not begging your friends to set you up.

It means building a life that’s totally fulfilling without a better half. And when one comes along, it means making sure he knows he’s not the center of your universe.

Side note: we’re doing some transpacific traveling from now until the new year, so apologies in advance if we’re not posting as much as you’d like. We’ll be back to our regular schedule as soon as we recover from our NYE hangovers.

How to Be a Total Man Magnet

Normally, we urge our readers to avoid Cosmo like the 34-year-old nephew your mom’s friend has to set you up with.

But we stumbled upon an article on the Cosmo Web site, titled, unsurprisingly, How to Be a Total Man-Magnet.

We’ve never quite figured out how Cosmo sells its business model to its readers (after all, if the writers are going to solve all your sexual and romantic problems in three to four issues, why would anyone by a one-year subscription?).

But some of these tips were not the dumbest things we’ve ever read, so we decided to share them with you.

Tip #1: Go out in groups of no bigger than three.

Cosmo says: “Larger groups of girls are supertough (read: intimidating) to approach. Three is a good number because your two friends can keep each other company when a guy walks up to chat with you.”

We say: We’ve talked about the validity of the he’s-just-too-intimidated argument before, but we’ll grant that most guys aren’t going to approach a group of 20 women, no matter how big their balls are.

The real issue is, why are you going out for the sole purpose of meeting guys? We’ve talked about the difficulty of meeting men in bars, and how the only thing you’re guaranteed to have in common with a guy in a bar is a shared love of alcohol. Couple that with everyone’s impaired ability to make a good first impression after a few G&Ts, and you’ve got a less-than-ideal place to pick up a new date.

Our advice? Go out with as big a group as you want. If you spend that much time strategizing about picking up guys in bars, you’ll probably project a sense of desperation that’s going to overshadow any strength derived from carefully calculated numbers.

Tip #2: Hold a drink in your hand.

Cosmo says: “Guys don’t want to be used. Meaning: They don’t want to buy you a drink right off the bat. My clients and I used to look for the girl with half a cocktail. That way, if she finishes her beverage while chatting with my guy, he could offer to buy her another to keep things moving.”

We say: This is ridiculous. Again, if you’re going to all this trouble to arrange the tiniest details to maximize flirting, the other half of your glass is going to be filled with desperation. And as soon as the guy gets a whiff of that, he’s not going to want any refills.

Tip #3: Smile genuinely.

Cosmo says: “So obvious, right? But I can’t stress it enough — and I can’t believe I ever acted aloof in an attempt to seem sexier. Now I know that women smile all the time naturally (when we’re nervous, when we’re trying to be polite, etc.), so if you don’t do it at all, you look like an unapproachable bitch.”

We say: Misogyny aside, Cosmo actually gets this half right. We’re constantly urging our readers to play hard to get, but you need to master the art of appearing both uninterested and extraordinary friendly. Guys aren’t attracted to women who come off as, well, bitchy. So smile. Be polite. But don’t give him all of your attention, and don’t flaunt your availability, sexual or otherwise.

Tip #6 (yeah, we skipped a few): Make positive small talk.

Cosmo says: “Once I started studying other women, I couldn’t believe how negative some of us appear. When you’re out on the town, you’re supposed to be having fun, and any complaint (“It’s hot in here!”), pessimism (“There will definitely be another terrorist attack”), or snarky quip (“Look at that chick’s belt — so 2002!”) pretty much pokes a hole in the fun-girl aura you should be projecting. Some better small-talk topics: recent vacations, favorite bands, hilarious movies. You can hit him with your deep, dark world-view some other time.”

We say: You don’t need to down a bottle of Xanax before you go to the bar, but most of us prefer being surrounded by people who seem happy. If you think the Cohen brothers have taken a turn for the worse, you don’t have to pretend that you loved A Serious Man (even if he did). But if you find yourself playing Debbie Downer, try to throw in a few positives for good measure.

It might seem easier to come across as intelligent or thoughtful by criticizing everything that comes up in conversation, but it’s actually a lot easier to arbitrarily hate everything than it is to come up with a reason for why Avatar was worth seeing.

This Is My, Uh…

In the 20-something world of OKCupid dates and post-Black Cat hookups, it’s often hard to tell if you are, in fact, dating the guy you’ve been sleeping with for the past few months. Because it’s hard enough to define the relationship for yourself, it’s usually even harder to spell it out for someone else.

Which brings to today’s conundrum: what to do when you’re forced to introduce your S.O. to someone.

You’re walking out of a restaurant after your third or fourth date with the new guy, and suddenly you run into a girl from your Kickball team, and you find yourself stuttering, “Oh, this is, uhh… John.”

Or maybe you two are officially dating when you run into the cute coworker that you don’t want to close any doors with, so you introducing your boyfriend by saying, “This is my friend, Chris.”

Sometimes you don’t want to look like you’re rubbing your marital status in people’s faces, and other times you don’t want to say anything that would scare the guy off.

But think of it this way: if you and your roommate ran into your college friend, you would introduce your roommate by saying, “This is my roommate, Jess.” But if you’re introducing two friends, you don’t need a title.

When our relationships with people extend beyond friendship (i.e., relatives, coworkers, etc.), it’s totally fine to acknowledge this distinction. If you were out to dinner with a 50-year-old woman, the acquaintance you bump into would probably assume it was your mother, and when you introduce her as such, the acquaintance understands the situation. When we understand what’s going on, we’re more comfortable.

Likewise, if you see two people of the opposite sex having dinner together, you’re going to assume it’s a date. But if these people go out of their way to avoid confirming your suspicions, you feel left out, confused, and unsure how to read the situation.

With all of this in mind, let’s discuss what you should do if:

1)YOU JUST STARTED DATING
It’s only been a few weeks (or maybe even a few days), and you run into someone you don’t know that well. Introduce the guy first, and don’t linger on how you know the guy. “Amy, this is Brian; Brian, Amy. Amy and I go to the same yoga studio.” If it’s a friend, you can explain the situation later.

If you’re taking him to a social event (e.g., a party), again, introduce the guy first, and then try to make a connection between the two people. “Molly, this is Brian; Brian, Molly. Molly, Brian also likes skiing.” Prepare an answer to the “How-do-you-two-know-each-other?” question, but make it neutral and noncommittal. Say, “We’re both friends with Michael.” Or, if you met online, say something like, “Oh, you know, the New-Englanders-in-DC thing.” Don’t call him your boyfriend, and don’t say, “We’re dating.”

You’re not trying to hide anything, but you are trying to avoid pressure too early on. If your response is too committal, or too vague, you’ll worry about what you said, and the guy might get concerned too. Take the focus off of how you two know each other. Most people will be too self-absorbed to notice.

Whatever you do, do NOT introduce the guy as your friend. If you two do become official, and you have to reintroduce this guy as your boyfriend, the people who thought he was your friend are going to feel like idiots, and they’re going to resent you for lying. You’re also giving the guy a window of opportunity to turn this into a casual hookup.

2) YOU’RE DATING, BUT YOU HAVEN’T STARTED SAYING “BOYFRIEND” AND “GIRLFRIEND”
Use the same avoid-answering-the-question strategy as above, with one caveat. If you do want the guy to start calling you his girlfriend, it might not be a bad idea to introduce him as your friend every once in a while. If he’s told you that you two are dating, but he hasn’t dropped the g-bomb yet, introducing him as your friend both makes you seem unavailable (which makes you more desirable) and invites further discussion. If he says, “Why’d you tell that girl I was your friend?”, ask him how he’d like to be introduced. He might say, “As your boyfriend.” If he doesn’t, keep introducing him as your friend.

Don’t introduce him as your boyfriend yet. This is one of those things that makes you seem too eager, and besides, do you really want to make it seem like you’d let just anyone call you his girlfriend? If he wants to use that term with you, he has to earn it (by asking you out-right). If you don’t make him work for it, it seems like you don’t respect yourself. And if you don’t respect yourself, why should he?

3) HE’S YOUR BOYFRIEND
If you two are officially bf/gf, you should introduce him as your boyfriend. People feel more comfortable in situations they understand, and when you withhold that information, the other person’s going to feel stupid. Let’s say you introduce your boyfriend to Karen in name only, and Karen runs into Laura later that week. Laura tells Karen that the guy was your boyfriend, and Karen feels like an ass for not picking up on it.

If it’s the cute guy from work, the guy you’d dump your boyfriend for, you still need to acknowledge the relationship. If he finds out the truth later, it’s going to make you look deceptive and manipulative, two qualities most guys don’t look for in a girlfriend.

You’re not bragging about having a boyfriend any more than you’re bragging about having a roommate if you just say, “This is my boyfriend, Alex.” And everyone (you, your boyfriend, and the friend) will feel better if all the cards are on the table.

Should I Come Bearing Gifts?

Dear Date the District,

I’m seeing this guy, and he wants me to meet his mom. We’re going out to dinner next week, and his younger brother is coming along. In the past, I’ve always met the bf’s parents at their houses, and I’ll bring wine or dessert or something. Should I bring anything to the restaurant? And, if so, what should I bring for the brother?

If you’re eating a meal at someone else’s house, you should always bring a gift—regardless of whether or not you’re sleeping with someone at the table.

But these gifts should be more edible and less specific, like the bottle of wine/dessert. If you show up with gifts for Mom and Little Joey, and, unbeknownst to you (and possibly even the bf), Grandma decides to come along, you won’t have anything to give her (which will just make your situation worse).

But when you’re going to a restaurant, you can’t really bring a hostess gift (unless it’s BYOB, which we kind of doubt will be the case for you).

Yes, it makes you feel less awkward when you can show up and hand the person you’re trying to impress a trinket of your affection. And it certainly makes for a favorable first impression.

But you can’t really bring a neutral, please-like-me present to a restaurant, and the family certainly won’t be expecting one.

In fact, a gift might make you look like too much of a kiss-ass, and no one wants to feel like her approval can be bought.

Our advice? Show up empty-handed, and let your personality win them over. When you ask people questions about themselves and really listen to what they say/follow up with more questions, they’ll be just as charmed as they would be if you showed up with a $30 bottle of wine.

Walking Down the Street

Back in the good old days, when girls went to finishing school instead of high school, they might not have learned basic math, but they definitely learned how to walk.

This skill has somehow slipped of the syllabus in recent years, but it’s definitely worth knowing. Guys probably aren’t going to notice that you have a nice stride, but they will notice you if you know how to carry yourself.

Let’s start with the basics: When most of us walk, we lead with our shoulders/upper bodies. This leads to hunched shoulders and slouched postures—although it does make for a more efficient pace.

Let’s compare:

Even the freakishly beautiful look better when they’re standing up straight. (And it’s probably better for your back or whatever.)

The key to a good stride is leading with your hipbones (those two bones that jut out from the place where your thighs meet your torso). The hipbone should move first, and everything else follows. This should automatically make you straighten your back and push back your shoulders (and add a few inches to your bustline). But if it doesn’t, fix your posture.

Think of the stride itself as emanating from your hips, not your feet. The hips are what move you; the feet follow. Place one foot in front of the other, like you’re trying to pass a sobriety test. Your hips should naturally swing from side to side, but don’t overdo it. (We’ve all seen those girls on the Metro.)

When your feet land, try to keep most of the weight in the ball of your foot. It might feel like you’re walking your tiptoes, but it prevents you from dragging your feet (especially in heels).

When you master your walk, you project confidence. And everyone is attracted to confidence, mostly because they associate with success/power.

We tested this theory for you, dear readers, the other night. We were walking home from yoga in our sweaty yoga clothes and stiletto boots, so the outfit made no sense but kind of went with all the sweat/general grossness. We walked for a few blocks without putting any effort into our stride, and, as we expected, no one paid attention. Then we walked for a few blocks using the techniques outlined above, and almost every boho (bohemian hobo) said something to the effect of “damn girl!” except for one (who, in his defense, may have been sleeping). And this was after 1.5 hours of solid sweating (interspersed with long periods of lying on the ground, but whatever).

If your hips walk you into a room, guys notice. We’re not saying that this is the best way to go about meeting your future boyfriend, but in these challenging economic times, couldn’t we all use a helping stride?

Missed Connection of the Day: Wrong address, right time? - m4w - 25 (Bucknell St)

Me: Stopped by your house around 8pm trying to serve papers to the family who lived there before you

You: Very cute, came to the door in your pajamas, seemed interested

I drove away regretting not giving you my number, but I had other houses to get to. Reply with the name of the family I was trying to serve so I know its you.

Online Dating for Smarties

Summer Heights High taught us that students from private school are more likely to go to college and make lots of money, while nearly all wife beaters and rapists are public school educated.



So what do you do if you’re one of the lucky few to graduate from a fancy university with $150,000 in debt? You can’t date just anyone—especially someone who went to a state school.

Luckily, you have options. Why scrounge around on Match.com when anyone with an e-mail address can message you?

Instead, try intelligentpeople.com. It’s, “an online dating and networking community exclusively for intelligent people.” And no posers allowed—you have to pass an IQ test to join.

Here’s the first question on the IQ test:

Find the image missing in the frame

No, this isn’t a trick question. So, on second thought, this might not be a horrible idea, as we’re not sure we’d want to date anyone who couldn’t answer this question correctly.

Full disclosure: we flukned this mofo. Twice. It gets harder, we swear.

But if you’re looking for the full package (i.e., high IQ and an Ivy League education), two dating sites screen users by alma mater.

Goodgenes.com advertises itself as an “exclusive online introduction and dating service… to help Ivy Leaguers and similarly well-educated graduates and faculty find others with matching credentials.”

Acceptable institutions include, Harvard, Princeton, “Medical Schools,” “Law Schools,” and “Schools of Osteopathic Medicine.”

If all of this sounds too good to be true, wait till you see the sample profiles. One reads, “Hello, I am a 24 year old Italian male. I stand 5'9" tall and weigh 166 lbs. I work out 4 days a week and enjoy outdoor avtivities [sic]. I attend the Universtity [sic] of Medicine and Dentistry. Currently, I am a junior in the Dental program. I plan on graduating in May of 2001 where I plan on becoming an associate in an established practice.”

Joining is easy: simple fill out a paper application and mail (yes, mail) it in along with your check (this company doesn’t seem to have caught on to the whole electronic payment thing yet) and hard copy photos, which they scan in and add to your profile. Want to change your profile? It’s as easy as mailing in your revisions along with a check for $5.00. Because updating a profile requires a lot of manpower, it’s $5.00 each time you update your profile. Want to see another member’s profile? Mail in a check for $5.00. While match.com might not make you pay to look at profiles, goodgenes.com removes 99 percent of the population from your dating pool, so it’s definitely worth it.

The Right Stuff (rightstuffdating.com) has pretty much the same setup. You have to mail in a paper application, and you have to mail in $5.00 every time you want to make changes to your profile or look at another member’s page. But they have 4,900 members nationwide—which is almost the size of one graduating class at an elite universitiy! And while there may not be any members in your city, it sure beats trying to pick up jailbait at Georgetown house parties, right?

You might be wondering why these dating sites targeted at the nation’s elite look like they were designed by 5-year-olds and seem to have the technological capabilities of a Web site built in 1991. To that, we say: if you even have to ask those questions, you’re probably not smart enough to join.

Girl Friends: A Follow Up

Yesterday, one of our readers wrote in in response to yesterday's post.

I think your characterization of girl (space) friends of guy friends is not only wrong but plays into reinforcing societal misconceptions about integrating sex into male/female relationships and gives women in general, a bad name. I think that while yes, that can be true for some girls, it’s unfair to say even that most girls are that way. I have a lot of guy friends that I have zero sexual tension/chemistry with, that I would happily play wingwoman for and help set them up with interested girls. All of my female friends are the same way. A lot of us are like brother and sister and have our friends’ best interests at heart - and so if the girl is awesome, we'll hook it up. Just wanted to let you know that women are not all scheming, conniving and territorial.

We totally agree. While we think you have to watch out for girls who are a little territorial, this reader is right. Not all girls are going to sabotage your relationship with their guy friends (just as not all girls are going to be as eager to hook you up).

But we also think this reader pointed out something that we should have emphasized more yesterday. “If the girl is awesome,” she says, “we’ll hook it up.”

The problem is, it’s hard to look awesome if you seem like you’re obsessed with a girl’s friend.

We were on the receiving end of this a lot in college. We had a close guy friend who had a penchant for convincing girls that they were in love with him, and these girls would try to get in with us by saying, “Hey, nice to meet you, I’m in love with Zack.”

If you legitimately treat these girls as friends and show them how cool you are, you can eventually broach the subject of their guy friend’s love life. But if you don’t even pretend to be remotely interested in their friendship, why would these girls want to help you out?

If you pretend to befriend these girls and drop the crush bomb too quickly, it doesn’t reflect well on you. And think of it this way: if a (seemingly) crazy girl came up to you and demanded that you hook her up with one of your friends, how would you feel?

No one wants to feel like she's being used. So if you want to get to know that cute guy’s girl friends and then ask for their help, you’ll have a higher rate of success.

But the other issue is, it’s hard to tell which girls are going to help you out and which ones aren’t. And while our reader certainly has the right attitude, the girls who don’t are sometimes really good at disguising their true motives.

If there’s no other way to get in with this guy, appealing to his girl (space) friends might be worth a shot. But we’ve all had at least one girl promise to hook us up with her friend, and two weeks later she’s dating the guy in question.

So there aren’t any hard and fast rules when it comes to using a friend as an in. But the more genuine you can be in pursuing these girl’s friendships, the further it’ll get you in the long run.

Survey the District: Don’t Want to Miss a Connection

dear date the district,

after college, a bunch of my friends and i moved to dc. most of us have been hanging out together on the weekends. recently, i've become really interested in this one guy from my college-- we were more like acquaintances in college, probably having a handful of conversations over a couple of years. i don't have his number or anything and i've only seen him one time really briefly since we both moved to the city. i think he's been hanging out with more of work friends than college friends. from my minor facebook stalkage it appears that he is still single. i'm debating talking to one of my friends who is a better friend of his about my infatuation, but not sure if that's the best thing to do. i think anything related to facebook or umm buzzing him on google is also a terrible idea? i am usually a fan of playing hard to get but i first need to find this guy before i can start the whole game playing process. any advice?

Hopefully yesterday’s post shed some light on how you could go about seeing him.

The most important thing is not letting him know that you’re interested, it’s spending more time with him.

In fact, the worst thing you could do is have your friend (or Google Buzz—speaking of, is anyone still using that?) spill the beans about your crush.

Mutual friends often seem like a good way to get in with a guy. Like we talked aboutbefore, a guy’s girl (space) friends almost never have your best interest at heart.

Even if this mutual girl friend swears she’s not interested at all, and even if she has a boyfriend, she still has feelings for this guy. They might not be romantic, but they’re almost certainly territorial—after all, we all know what it feels like to have a guy friend drop off the face of the earth thanks to a new girl(no space)friend.

And if this mutual friend is a guy, do you really want him as your advocate? Think about how guys talk to each other. When you say, “Just tell him that I think he’s cute,” there’s a good chance that the message he relays to your crush will be more on the lines of, “Julie’s, like, in love with you. I think she wants to bone you.”

Even if you’re just asking the mutual friend for advice or confirmation of his marital status, he/she’s gonna get the message. No girl asks if Johnny’s single because she wants to set him up with her friend.

Play it cool, and realize that you’re not going to get the chance to hit it off with every guy you like.

Sometimes the timing just doesn’t work out, and as much as it sucks, there’s not much we can do about it.

The more you force it, the more you hurt your chances of actually getting the guy. It’s hard to play hard to get when he knows you’ve been stalking him for the past few months.

The best thing you can do in this situation is stop obsessing about him.

We all do it. We all imagine that the quiet guy in our senior history seminar didn’t talk because he was harboring such intense, profound feelings. We start picturing ourselves on dates with him. We mentally plan our wedding day. Our first child is born in our minds and—surprise—the quiet brooder is still madly in love with us, pregnancy belly and all.

But these fantasies do way more harm than good. Because you know so little about this guy, you’re free to imagine him as being totally perfect for you. But if you did get to know him, you’d probably realize that he talks too much about sports or never washes his socks or has a thousand little quirks that would irritate you to no end.

The more we obsess about these ideal crushes, the more we close ourselves off to reality. And if you’re sitting around waiting for the chance to run into this guy, you might miss out on some real-life guys.

That doesn’t mean you can’t have a crush on this guy. And that doesn’t mean you can’t “happen to show up” at events you know he’ll be at.

But don’t waste too much time thinking about something that, logistically, might not work out.

Keep your feelings to yourself. And who knows? You might hit it off at homecoming weekend.

How to Make Plans with a Cute Guy

You know that really cute guy, the one you always seem to hit it off with when you bump into him, and you think there could be something there, but you NEVER see each other?

It’s really frustrating to feel like you’ve finally found someone with when it seems like there’s nothing you can do about it.

But it helps if you treat this guy, not as a potential love interest, but as a girl that you’re dying to be friends with.

When your friend introduces you to her cool roommate form college who also secretly buys Chuck Klosterman’s latest book the day it comes out and then lies about it to all of her friends, you don’t try to make out with her.

You try to solicit her friendship, but you’re not desperate about it.

You need to do the same thing with this guy.

We’re not talking about the guy you make eyes with at the gym, or the guy that you see on the Metro in the morning but have no way of casually approaching.

But you have an in with the guy in your office who always makes you laugh or the friend of a friend that you sometimes see at bars.

To take things to the next level, you need to start seeing him more frequently. And for that, you need good plans and (in honor of vaginas finally being allowed on submarines) a Navigator.

First, you need to come up with legitimately fun plans. A new (and inexpensive) twist on drinking (think brewery tour) always attracts guys. Shows with bands you can dance to and still have fun even if you don’t know the music (e.g., Girl Talk, other mashup/electro groups that Baltimore discovered three years ago and now shun for being too mainstream) can be fun. If he seems more artsy/hipster, browse the City Paper for an uber underground film screening (cough The Room cough), or ask the nearest person wearing Converse and/or an ironic T-shirt for some recommendations.

Happy hours and bar hopping do not count as “cool” plans (unless the bars are totally new and underground and/or The Black Cat) and should be used as a last resort only. Museums, movies, and restaurants should be avoided at all costs (too date-ish, too awkward).

Then you need to find someone who can invite this guy for you—the Navigator. Ideally, the Navigator should have a boyfriend/be a guy/be otherwise unavailable so she can unabashedly invite this guy places and not look like she’s coming on to him. (Coworkers/friends who tangentially know this guy are ideal.)

The Navigator should make the plans and invite the guy along. He shows up, you’re there, fireworks ensue.

If you don’t have a Navigator, don’t worry. You can still invite this guy, but make it seem like you’re approaching him as a friend.

Invite him (and a group of girls AND guys) via Facebook message or e-mail so it doesn’t seem like you’re trying to make one-on-one plans.

Bring it up with him the next time you run into him. But stress the group element. Maybe throw in something about just moving to this city.

Above all, make sure you don’t come off as too eager/aggressive. As with everything in dating, you want to play hard to get.

But the guy’s so removed from your daily life that you don’t have the option of showing him your best game, sometimes you have to make the first move.

Just make sure it’s not obvious that you are, in fact, asking him out.

Survey the District: He Just Said No to Sex

Dear Date the District,

I've been hanging out with this guy for about a month now, and we've gone out together a bunch of times and have had a lot of fun together. We've seen each other every weekend, and always end up spending at least one night together having a sleepover. Most of the time we see each other/hook up, it’s sober. So I told him in the beginning that I just wanted to take things slow, and not have sex right away, which he was really cool with, although we have been doing the naked makeout. So last night, I figured I was ready to have sex with him. We went to a mutual friend's birthday at a bar last night and had a great time. So we came back to my place, and I was like "Sooo...I think it's been a long time we've been hanging out, and I wanna have sex with you tonight." Obviously I was a bit drunk if I was that blunt. But anyway, then he's like, "Actually...I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I dated a woman (she was 32! and he's 25!) for 2.5 years, and we broke up a few months ago. So I don't wanna just jump into having sex with you right away. I really like hanging out with you, and want to continue to get to know you before we have sex. I don't want to bring sex into it now and complicate things in case they don't work out. I don't want to have sex with you right now and have you get attached and hurt you if things don't work out."

What do you think about all that? Should I take offense, like is he pretty much saying he isn't sure whether he likes me enough, and isn't sure if things will work out between us so he just wants to keep it casual? Or does he like me, and just wants to still test the waters with me for a bit before having sex?


A single, 20-something guy turning down sex?

We’re confused too.

Does he like you? If he’s been pursuing the hook ups, there’s a good chance that he’s attracted to you. And if he goes out of his way to hang out with you, we highly doubt that your personality is the problem.

Because we don’t know this guy, and because everything else about your relationship sounds pretty par for the course (in 20-something dating land, that is), the only thing we have to go on is what he said to you that night.

Is it the whole truth? Probably not.

But there’s a good chance that the I’m-still-getting-over-my-serious-relationship thing isn’t far from where he’s coming from.

Meaning: It’s not about you. It’s about him.

We kind of doubt he’s trying to keep things casual. In guyworld, “keeping things casual” usually means hooking up with as little commitment/attachment as humanly possible. So if he were trying to keep things casual, he’d probably want to have sex with you before he decided whether or not he liked you.

If this guy is used to dating older women, he might have a different perspective on sex. Maybe his last girlfriend made him wait, and he thinks it always works like that.

Or he could be nervous. Maybe he’s worried that he doesn’t have enough experience (and it definitely sounds like he hasn’t slept with anyone new in at least 2.5 years).

The unfortunate fact is, he's the only one who knows why he said what he said. And no amount of attempted mind reading will change that.

All you can do is try to decide whether or not you want to be with him. Yes, this is definitely unexpected behavior, but if everything else is going well, this guy’s temporary chastity might not be a deal breaker.

But if this guy says no to sex, he’s not entitled toa naked makeout.Whatever his deal is, the naked makeout will probably only make it worse. If he’s still trying to decide whether or not he likes you enough to sleep with you, why does he get a blowjob in the interim?

We’d advise you to take things even slower. Cut back on the sleepovers (or eliminate them all together) until both of you are ready to do the deed. Try getting to know him (and letting him get to know you) before you make a decision about what to do.

The Art of Meeting Men

Ah, the 80s.

The decade where picking up men was as easy as channeling a 300 pound linebacker in a neon paisley sports jacket (that was a joke about shoulder pads, feel free to laugh).

A reader sent us a Youtube video taken from an 80s self-help movie by a dating coach in a floor-length dress that leaves everything to the imagination.

The outfits might be dated, but the advice withstands the test of time.

For example, if you have trouble meeting men, our data guru suggests carrying around, “a book with an unusual title, a small stuff animal [because nothing turns men on more than women who’ve regressed back to age 4], interesting pieces of jewelry [here she touches her own bland costume pearls], a pet, a sports jersey, a sports magazine, or a t-shirt with a slogan [unclear if you’re supposed to wear the t-shirt or just carry it around].”

A female sidekick with a lesbian vibe comes on to stress the importance of letting a man know that you’re interested. In the opening clip, woman A sits on a bench under a sign pointing people to a Subway (she’s in the city—get it??) with her legs crossed. An overweight man in an argyle sweater approaches the woman and thinks to himself, “Mm! Attractive woman. Just my type.” But then he sees her crossed legs and changes his mind. His interior monologue continues, “She sure looks like a b---” but then he stops himself because Reagan is watching!! “I don’t need that,” he concludes before storming away.

But after hearing the butch guru’s advice, woman A gets a second chance to make things right. She rubs her thighs and thinks, “What do I have to loose at this point? A rerun of Dallas [haha! Because Dallas was still on the air then!] and a pint of ice cream?”

She sits down next to the man (in a new outfit!) with a newspaper and asks, “Is there any good news today?” He tells her that there isn’t, and both sides throw down their newspapers and fall in love/plan to go into business together to start a newspaper that only tells good news (love and an entrepreneurial spirit—aww!!).

Other highlights include our blonde (and possibly Muslim) guru suggesting that you intentionally spill a drink on a man and get his number so that you can pay for his dry cleaning later. “But avoid spilling red wine!” she cautions. “You don’t want him to remember you for the wrong reasons.”

And an angry male guru clad in plaid explaining that men can be very shy. “Research show that 40 percent of men suffer from shyness,” he explains. “And 80 percent of men have been shy at one point in their lives.”

We’ve basically spoiled everything, but it’s still worth watching (and it’s only 3 minutes long).

NYTimes Gets Ultra Romantic

Because nothing's more romantic than a tragic accident, The New York Times is celebrating Valentine's Day by posting a photo of an Olympic hopeful DYING IN A LUGING CRASH as the feature photo on its home page.

Another Gawker Story... So You Don't Have to Page Through All the Boring Ones Yourself

Picture it ... Valentine's Day 1991. I'm a sophomore in college and have been dating the hot guy who lives across the parking lot in my apartment complex - we'll call him G. We've been making out for a while and casually dating ... and then decide we'll move it into more serious territory, just in time for Valentine's Day.

He wakes up early to put a rose on my car before I have to leave for my first class. Awww. We have a makeout session at his place that afternoon, where we express our feelings and remark how special we are to each other. It's touching. I've only had one boyfriend for Valentine's Day before, and he turned out to be an abusive stalker. This is my first healthy relationship in almost two years, and I'm over the moon. I decide to cook him an awesome spaghetti dinner ... and then we'll finally consummate our relationship.

I decide to make the meatballs from the freezer that my roommate had purchased. I make a fantastic dinner for two, complete with candles and a nice peach sorbet for dessert. We head upstairs to begin our wonderful night together. I'm so nervous, because it's our first time together and I haven't been with anyone new in years.

After making out for a while, he excuses himself to use my bathroom which was attached to the bedroom. He proceeds to have what appears to be EXPLOSIVE diarrhea from what I can hear from my half-naked position on the bed near the bathroom door. There's grunting, swearing, panting, and soon cries to God are pouring out of him as freely as the dinner he's ingested less than an hour before. I'm not sure what to do ... do I call attention to his pain by asking him if he's OK, or just let him wait it out? He's got to be embarrassed, because I'm completely mortified.

After what seems to be an eternity (and was probably about 45 minutes), he emerges from the bathroom completely pale and very sweaty. He's a trouper, though. We proceed to have not-so-energetic sex and he hobbles across the parking lot back to his house. Within twenty minutes, I am the one in the bathroom, cursing my ancestors, the shower curtain, the sorbet, and bargaining quite ineffectively with God.

Two days later, my roommate returns home from her trip and I tell her about my disastrous evening. I tell her I've used her ground chuck to make the meatballs, and she exclaims, "OMG... I bought that when we moved in!"

Which was the previous June.

G and I continued to see each other, for some months afterward, but it didn't work out. I never cooked for him again. Luckily.

That Dinner at 1789 Isn't Gonna Pay for Itself!

A post on Dealbreaker wonders if men only care about money, success, and, apparently, literacy because it helps them get girlz.

We don't think it does. The stereotypical power-hungry capitalist pig likes to buy toys to one-up the other men in his life, and he likes to fuck women, not marry them.

Maybe the nicer guys always keep one eye on the altar, but they don't tend to be as ruthless in the pursuit of money and/or prestige.

The question is: what drives women to succeed?

My Bloody Valentine

Taken from Gawker's Valentine's Day horror stories, though we kind of doubt the fact-checkers are working round the clock on these ones.

I was 25, recently out of law school and a relationship I was sure would end in marriage, and I was working in a firm that I absolutely despised. I was heartbroken, disenchanted, and, at a fundamental level, bored with life. So I signed up for an online dating service.

After a number of forgettable dates with various mid-level managers, radiologists, IT guys, technical writers, and random other guys lost in the same sort of personal and professional morass of their 20s, seeking some sort of connection, I met a guy who was totally not my type. He’d recently quit his corporate job to start his own business, was about a decade older than me, and couldn’t properly conjugate the verb to take, leading my best friend to call him Captain Tooken.

The Captain and I saw each other irregularly at first. I was still drinking at the time, and in retrospect he was a second or third generation alcoholic, so our dates generally consisted of hanging out, drinking a lot, and not much else. Eventually a pattern emerged- we’d go out, see a movie or a show, have dinner, maybe hang out at his place, and at the end of the night he’d put me in my car and say goodnight, without even a kiss. (Drinking and driving is bad, children). After the fourth or fifth time this happened, it started to intrigue me that the Captain hadn’t made any sort of physical move, and this intrigue kept me in the quasi-relationship. As I mentioned above, I was feeling pretty jaded and numb, so anything out of the ordinary was enough to catch my attention. I had a blog at the time and would detail these dates, and had a crowd of internet strangers weighing in on why the Captain hadn’t tried anything physical yet. Some thought gay, others thought he was recovering from a bad relationship, I didn’t really care because suddenly I had something vaguely novel going on in my life.

Fast forward six months (yes, really). Captain Tooken still has not so much as kissed me, and is still walking me to my car after every date- now once a week or more- and hugging me goodnight. Valentine’s Day is fast approaching, and I wonder if this is going to change anything in our chaste goodnight dance. The blogosphere is getting restless, and encouraging me to take him down in the street like a wildebeest, all tongue and sexual frustration, the next time he walks me to my car.

The Captain tells me a few days before the big day that he will be away with his dad, so can’t do anything, but would like to make it up to me by taking me out a few nights before. We go to a notorious dive bar in our city for blues and PBR tall boys. It was an inauspicious time of the month for me, but I didn’t think anything of it given the nature of our relationship. His brother, sister-in-law, and mother all come to the bar that night, and pretty soon I am absolutely wasted (as is the rest of the family) and basking in the drunken warm feeling of being introduced to his family and everyone liking me, and all of us ordering next round after next round.

I wake up in the cold light of earliest morning in a room I don’t recognize, no clothes, my head banging with pain, with that absolutely certain feeling that I have done something I will regret. I turn my head an inch, despite the screaming hangover, and there is the Captain in bed next to me. The situation hits me in a rush. I lift up the sheets and see blood, everywhere. It looks like someone has slaughtered a pig on the bed. I slip out of the sheets and sneak off to bathroom to clean myself up, passing our clothes in the hallway, on the stairs. I realize I can’t even sneak out to my car and drive home because we’ve left my car at the bar on the other side of town. I do my best in the half bath and then slip back into the bed, careful not to wake up the Captain.

I feign sleep until he wakes up, looks around, gasps, and heads for the shower. I commence to stripping the bed (the mattress is in the condition you would expect), stuffing the sheets in the washer, finding his linen closet for fresh sheets, realizing the only other set of sheets he owns are twin size and won’t fit the bed, and eventually just throw the comforter over the worst of the scene and get dressed. It doesn’t dawn on me to flip the mattress until he has already turned off the shower and I don’t have enough time. By the time he comes out of the bathroom I’m downstairs on the couch, fully dressed, ready to get the hell out of dodge. We make small talk and he repeatedly asks me if I’d like to take a shower, and eventually we go to breakfast, all because I am trying so hard to not acknowledge the abattoir conditions I woke up to that I can’t manage much else, and at long last I am free and go home and fixate on what the hell.

We end up dating for another year, and neither one of us ever mentions our Valentine’s Day massacre. I never have the nerve to ask if he bought a new mattress or not.

Missed Connection of the Day: Charlie, aka Birdobot, Funktron1, Tim Finnegan, The Funk - w4m - 33 (Fairfax County)

Apparently, Craigslist attracts the crazies (who knew?).

Hi Charlie! I know where you live, and I have your number, but your wife won't let you talk to anyone. All I can say about that is "Charlie? Pre-nup, okay Charlie? Pre-nup."

I just wanted to let you know that you're a really awesome, totally special dude, and a lot of people miss you and your special sense of humor and friendship and enjoyment of life (as the French say, "joie de vivre.") We miss you Funk!

The next time you're feeling down, please sing this to the tune of "You Are Not Alone"

"YOU ARE NOT ALONE, ALIENS ARE HERE WITH YOU, Charlie"


I also am writing this to let you know that nobody can WHIP IT, WHIP IT GOOD! ("it" meaning a door and by "whip" I mean strike with a belt) like you. Did you finally find the belt of a lifetime?

Come over and see my baby! She plays hide and seek and growls in a beast voice! Ok, ok, I am good guy. I hope your woman doesn't send me hatemail.

Valentine's Day Smorgasboard

The blogs are ablaze with stories of just how much Valentine’s Day sucks.

Because we’re not feeling particularly Grinchy today, we thought we’d let everyone else do the dirty work for us. So we’re going to post highlights throughout the day: some for the lovestruck, and others for the embittered.

To Pregame or Not to Pregame a Date

A lot of us do it, and most of us aren’t ashamed to admit it.

We’re not talking about masturbating or anal sex, but something that seems harmless, but somehow ends up feeling more contentious.

We’re, of course, talking about pregaming dates.

Pregaming is a habit most of us pick up in college and carry with us into our twenties. (And maybe even our thirties? We don’t judge.) It’s grounded in reasonable principles: if you’re headed out to an overpriced bar, you don’t want to spend $60 on rum and diets when you can get the same buzz from downing a bottle of two-buck-Chuck at home.

But pregaming can sometimes turn into something else. When you take a shot before a date, you’re not doing it to save money, you’re doing it to calm your nerves before. And that’s also reasonable. The danger, as with anything else, lies in taking things overboard.

If you have a glass of wine before he picks you up, it might make you feel better and he probably won’t notice anything. If you have two glasses of wine and you’re already nervous, you might start doing that drunk-girl thing where you talk too quickly and laugh too frequently.

You’ll make a better impression as a sober nervous wreck than you will as a relaxed drunk.

That doesn’t mean you have to lay off the good stuff all together. But if you have a beer beforehand, go easy at dinner. Don’t order mixed drinks, and keep up with your date.

If he orders a bottle of wine and no one’s driving, by all means, indulge. But you don’t want to be stumbling out of the restaurant if he’s stone-cold sober. Remember that scene in Superbad where Michael Cera’s character isn’t interested in sex because the girl’s too drunk?

No one ever plans to get wasted on a first date, but it’s surprisingly easy to let it happen. Pace yourself, and if the room starts spinning, order more food.

Gender Equality (Or Lack Thereof) in the Dating World

We spent most of last night in a heated debate about gender equality in the dating world.

In our opinion, it doesn’t exist. And here’s why:

From about the age of 0, girls start hearing the same message. They watch Disney movies, and later sit coms and chick flicks, they read “young adult” books, and later romance novels, and they all say the same thing: a woman’s goal in life should be to find the most handsome, charming, and desirable man she can, and the best way to snag him is to “fall in love” with him.

But it doesn’t work like that. If a guy thinks you’re in love with him before you’ve even gone on a first date, it’s going to scare him off.

Furthermore, these messages encourage women to base a lot of their own self-worth on their marital status and/or partner. Single? There must be something wrong with you! Do other girls think your boyfriend is kind of awkward and not that cute? They must think the same thing about you too!

Your love life (or lack thereof) becomes your primary focus. That’s not to say you can’t hold down a job or keep up some semblance of a personal life. But, when push comes to shove, this idea of “love” is the ultimate pursuit. Worth leaving your job for, worth transferring to a different city, worth putting everything on the line.

The truth is, life probably is easier and more enjoyable when you have a partner to share it with. But “love” does not a successful relationship make. Things like trust, mutual interests, and shared values will take you a lot further than lust that feels like something more.

And so our society sets women up to want a partner more than anything else, but doesn’t give them the tools to find one.

Guys, for whatever reason, seem to instinctively understand how to play games. They don’t return calls, they keep you guessing, and they seem less interested in couplehood to begin with.

Girls, on the other hand, watch a women on TV turn down Stanford to follow her crush to NYU and end up getting the guy after she confesses all this to him.

In the real world, this would be a major turnoff. But no one ever explains this to us.

So women are set up to want a partner more than (almost) anything else. But they’re also conditioned to behave in ways that would send most potential matches running in the opposite direction.

This doesn’t mean that women are doomed, but it does mean we have to work harder to overcome the urge to call him when he’s not responding.

And above all, it means women need to be more savvy about the dos and don’ts of dating. And it means we sometimes need to show each other the way—for example, by not encouraging our friends to drunk-text guys they want to date.

It’s not enough to tell yourself that things never work the way they do on TV and in the movies. You have to understand why they don’t work that way, and what does work in “real” life.