Survey the District: Online Dating Advice?

Today's question comes from one of our male readers (sorry if the picture was misleading for some of you).


Hey

Been searching for best way to meet new people for dating online. But is seems like there are so many losers out there and I just don' know where to start.

I've checked into dating sites like Match.com but they really don't seem to work that well.

What's your experience been. Any suggestion would be most appreciated.

Our regular readers know we’ve always been advocates of free dating sites.

The problem with Match, eHaromny, and other subscription sites is that, by requiring users to pay in, they attract people who are both so desperate to find someone that they’ll drop cash on the promise of potentially meeting someone they might like, and also more interested in cashing in their investment.

On the paid dating sites, everyone knows what you’re there for, and people are looking to make the most if it before their subscriptions expire.

This encourages unattractive behavior. People have an incentive to move fast, and, because they’ve paid money, they feel like they’re owed something.

On free dating sites, you’re more likely to get people who are just curious, testing the waters, and not overly committed to finding The One in cyberspace.

That doesn’t necessarily mean that users on the free sites will be more datable or desirable, but it does mean they’ll probably interact in a different manner. Their profile’s not going away if they forget to pay, so there’s no need to message you back immediately. They don’t need to arrange dates that week because they’re not even sure if this is the answer in the first place.

But it is important to realize that your zip code is probably the biggest factor in the success (or failure) in your foray into online dating.

If you live in a large metropolitan area, you’re going to find more potential matches than you will in a rural area. A bigger population means more options, whether you’re going to house parties or browsing the internet.

But why are you so quick to label other users as “losers?” In most cities, there’s actually a high percentage of “normal” people who have jobs, hobbies, lives, and, in some cases, dignity, that prevent them from attending singles mixers or hiring a matchmaker.

Diving into the online dating pool usually requires an open mind—after all, those of us who grew up with the internet were always taught to be on the lookout for pedophiles and other dangerous criminals lurking behind a mask of deception and online anonymity. 

You have to get past that, and realize that most of the people who sign up for these sites are probably more like you—looking to meet someone, but not interested in dropping everything for your search.

Online dating’s biggest selling point is convenience—it’s easier than getting set up and there’s a bigger selection than you’d find at a random bar (and meeting people in bars is a terrible idea to begin with).

Simply put, our advice is to sign up for a few free websites and see how it goes. Message a few women and go out on a few dates. If it’s not for you, it’s not the end of the world. But we bet you’ll find it’s way easier than calling that girl your mother’s been talking up for years.

When to Give a Guy a Second Chance

A friend of ours had a spectacuarly bad first date the other night.

The guy looked great on paper: his interests, background, and ambitions matched what our friend was looking for. And he invited her to a comedy club, which seemed like a cool location for a first date.

The venue turned out to be less than ideal for talking and getting to know each other. They were seated at a table with other people, and once the show starts, it’s basically the movie-theater shhh dilemma.

The comedian’s routine also hit a little too close to home when his shtick turned to sex—specifically, sex in a new relationship.

When our friend got home, she told us the guy was “really awkward.” But we wonder if the experience made the guy seem less adjusted than he actually was.

After making a mental note to never bring a first date to a comedy club, we told our friend to give this guy a second chance.

There’s nothing worse than a bad first date. You’re feeling generally uncomfortable to begin with, and you usually start wondering what’s wrong with you/all the guys out there/life in general, depending on how bad it’s going.

Your only saving grace is the knowledge that this, like everything else, will end, and you’ll never have to see the guy again.

But you’ve probably been a shitty first date before too. Maybe you were too tired to make conversation, or maybe you’d had a long week and that glass of wine loosened you up more than you’d meant it to.

Couple that with a bad venue, and the guy’s gonna remember you as being much worse than you actually were.

Same goes for this guy. A few jitters seem much more pronounced when the guy on stage cracks a joke about shaved vaginas and the guy has to decide whether or not to laugh.

If this were some random guy she’d met at a bar, we’d tell our friend to move on. But because they met online and had paired up based on interests and outlook, we told her to give him another chance.

It may have been his job to make a good first impression, but it’ll be her loss if a compatible match slips away. And if a guy seems good on paper and just meh in person, you might want to give him another shot.

Besides, it’s hard to judge what kind of boyfriend he’ll be from the first date alone.

Generally speaking, people who shine on first dates tend to excel because of experience.

Once you’ve been on 50, or 100, blind dates, you know how to work the system.

That’s not to discount great conversation or “hitting it off” who shares your love of national anthems. But barring a strong resemblance in up-bringing/personality/taste, if a guy’s sweeping you off your feet on the first date, he’s probably done this before.

Guys with a long record of relationships, on the other hand, have probably only been on a handful of first dates. And men who are looking to settle down probably don’t read The Pick-Up Artist.

The more serious ones might be bad at first dates because that’s not their forte. The side of his personality that attracts girlfriends might not come out until the second or third date.

That’s not to say that every bad date is a prince disguised in frog’s clothes. And in between your job, yoga class, and kickball team, you can’t afford to waste too much time on a guy who’s not worth it.

But as long as you don’t spot any red flags, a second chance is probably worth the risk. This time, pay attention to reasons you thought this would work. Ask him about his plans for law school, or love of Greek food, or whatever else made you say, “That’s the one!” when you saw the 6 things he couldn’t live without.

The Hardest Part of Breaking Up Is Actually Doing It (Part II)

Second scenario: the blind date you went out with a few times

Or the guy who asked you out in Potbelly’s, the friend of a friend you met in Adams Morgan, whatever.

Unfortunately, you can’t take the e-asy way out, and you have to respond using whatever form of communication he used to contact you.

Again, wait until he asks you out again. There’s nothing more embarrassing than calling someone to say, “This isn’t working” and having him say, “I know… that’s why I never called you again.”

The good news is, if he sends you a text to propose dinner, you can respond in kind. The bad news is, if he calls you (or, even worse, leaves a voicemail), you have to respond in kind. (But don’t break up with him via voicemail—just leave him a message asking him to return your call.)

You can use the whole, “I’m not looking to get involved line” we talked about before. But here’s where we advocate being a little bit more straight-forward.

If you’re reading this blog, there’s a good chance that you’re still looking for “The One,” and there’s an even better chance that you’ve been devastated when a guy that you felt like you really hit it off with gives you the vague brush-off.

When you say, “I’m not looking for something right now,” you’re giving this guy hope for the future. And it’s a lot easy to get over someone when you don’t have any lingering mysteries to obsess over.

Say (or text) something like, “I had a lot of fun with you. You’re a really cool guy, and it’s so awesome that I finally met someone else who appreciates the genius of Born Rich! But I want to be honest with you: I don’t think this is going to work.”

If he asks why, or what he did wrong, or anything else (and if you’re on the phone, you can bet he will), spin it around. Say something like, “I just hate when you go out with someone and they kind of start blowing you off/playing games, so I just wanted to be up front. It’s not anything in particular, I just don’t like taking the easy way out when I know something’s not going to work.”

Most guys will probably be caught off-guard, and some will be grateful for your straightforwardness. In an ideal world, they might even thank you. But if we lived in an ideal world, we wouldn’t be writing this blog, and if he starts getting angry or defensive, say, “Look, I’m sorry if I upset you, but I need to go,” and get off the phone.

How to Approach Online Dating

Our regular readers know that we’re huge proponents of online dating. When it’s used properly, it’s a great way to meet someone who shares your interests and values, which is pretty much the opposite of meeting guys in bars (i.e., is he cute enough? am I drunk enough?).

But sometimes it’s hard to figure out how, exactly to navigate this social stratosphere that no other generation has really used. What should you put on your profile? Should you message him first? What’s too sexy for a profile picture?

In our opinion, online dating works better as a conversation starter than it does as a matchmaking service. Think of it this way: you’re probably more likely to sign up for one of these sites when you’re new to a city and desperate to meet anyone—platonic friends included.

In fact, one of our friends who’s had the most success with online dating has a huge circle of friends that she meet on dating sites. This might not seem like a huge deal, but when you consider the fact that most people who sign up for these services are looking for love and come in with the highest of hopes and then quickly learn to move on at the first sign of incompatibility, it’s pretty remarkable that she keeps in touch with, much less befriends, people she romantically rejected.

But in the real world, think about situations that produce the most successful couples. How many couples meet at dinner parties or work events where they aren’t looking for love? And how many met at speed dating?

This is why we prefer free dating sites to paid subscriptions. When you sign up for OK Cupid, you’re testing the waters, seeing what’s out there. When you drop $200 for 6 months of Match.com, you’ve made a pretty big financial commitment to get what you paid for.

Guys are more attracted to women who seem laid back, casual, fun, and not too obsessed with the idea of finding “The One.” So your OK Cupid persona should project this persona. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ignore messages from guys with facial piercings if your entire wardrobe is Lily Pulitzer. But it does mean your profile and messages should be more of a conversation starter than a marriage proposal.

Don’t look at your profile as the place to capture your personality so that the person on the other side of the screen can get to know the real you, deepest, darkest secrets included, and then decide whether or not you two would be compatible. In the real-world dinner party scenario, you wouldn’t tell the guy sitting next to you that could absolutely, positively never date a smoker and that you fall in love too easily. Instead, you would drop tiny tidbits of information in the hopes of drawing him in to the conversation.

Your profile should do the same thing. Your “About Me” section doesn’t have to be an autobiography. It doesn’t have to sum up your personality or list your flaws. It’s supposed to give the person looking at your profile something to message you about. And that’s why vague, abstract descriptions of your personality are actually a terrible idea, because a) they’re pretty boring to read and b) what’s he going to message you—“I procrastinate too!”?

Talk about things that are more on the unique/interesting side of things, but universal enough that someone can respond with his own experience. Things like travel, hobbies, etc. Try to be both specific and open-ended so that he can ask you about it. Something like, “I once backpacked through Guatemala and resorted to eating live fish.” Specific story that naturally leads to when/how/why you ate live fish.

Same goes for messages you send potential matches. Don’t say, “I also love The Big Lebowski—I bet we would get along really well!” Try more along the lines of, “So I’m a little new to this and not really sure how this works, but I just moved to DC and I see that you do yoga—do you have any suggestions for a good studio?”

Keep it short and sweet, like you would at a dinner party.

And treat the ensuing banter like a dinner party. Don’t provide unsolicited information. Don’t send overly long messages. Keep it light and casual. Online dating is just like meeting guys at any other place—this isn’t your only shot at love, so don’t act like you think it is.

Friday News Roundup: The OkCupid Blog

Apparently, OkCupid, the free dating site whose (lack of) price tag somehow makes it seem sketchy, has a blog.

And it’s actually pretty good. Unfortunately, most of their posts have to do with maximizing results on online dating, and they spend a lot of time building charts and graphs (which seems like the perfect job for a hopelessly romantic statistician) whose value and relevance we have to question.

But it does make for an interesting read.

Today, we want to highlight two posts in particular.

The first is a dissertation on the role your profile picture plays in your success (or lack thereof) in online dating.

A quasistatistical study of OkCupid users reveals that everything Match.com ever told us is wrong!

Showing your face in your profile picture? Don’t do it!

Posting a “MySpace” shot (i.e., a picture you took by holding a crappy Webcam over your head and pouting up at the camera)? You’ll get more messages!

Guys—have a six pack that rivals The Situation’s? Show it off!

While all of these profile picture faux pas might attract more attention, the lovestruck statisticians don’t really have a way of measuring which types of people who contact these brooding meatheads.

And so the only really useable information this post provides is their take on girls showing cleavage. The economists who dropped out of grad school to fall in love found that women who show cleavage get more messages that lead to extended correspondence (i.e., not just one message that says, “Nice tits”) than women who don’t.

But you have to take the rest of the data with a grain of salt.

Yes, the MySpace girls might get more messages than the English majors who use more “normal” headshots, but the guys who contact the MySpacers might be equally emo, unemployed 17-year-olds—not the type of guys the English majors would necessarily want to meet.

Then again, the girls who post MySpace pictures are probably pretty compatible with the guys who post shirtless pictures. So maybe the lesson is, it’s just easier to find dates if you’re the kind of girl who makes a kissy face in her profile picture.

The other finding worth noting is that people who post pictures of themselves doing something interesting tend to get more messages than the people who post a neck-up version of the best photo ever taken of them.

When we look at someone’s profile picture, we expect the photo to be at least 10 percent more attractive than the person is in real life. After all, inordinately hot photos attract the most attention, right?

But after a guy’s first month on an online dating sight, he’s going to know that if she looks too good to be true, she probably is.

And you don’t want to start competing for guys on looks alone. So post a photo of yourself doing something you love. Or post a quirky photo. It’ll probably take you farther than that bikini shot from the summer you had Mono.