Don't Put Too Much Stock in a Profile Picture

Online dating profiles are hotbeds of superficiality.

The whole page revolves around the photos, and even the most open-minded users usually check the physical appearance before they read any text.

This kind of browsing doesn’t make you a bad person—after all, attraction/chemistry/whatever you want to call it is mostly physical.

But it does create problems.

To understand how, think about how “real world” dating works. You meet a guy at a party, or a bar, or the bank, and here’s what you know about him: what he looks like.

How many times have you found yourself 30 minutes into an amazing conversation when a guy casually mentions his girlfriend? Or what about the guys you go out with four or five times before you realize your religious differences/educational backgrounds/grooming habits make you totally incompatible?

Attractive people can be intoxicating, and there’s nothing like making out with a guy you could’ve sworn had a bit role on The OC.

But in the moment, isn’t it just like kissing anyone else? And more of a self-esteem boost/story to tell your friends than a wildly passionate encounter?

Judging potential partners on looks alone has a time and place. But if that time and place is OKCupid, you’re kind of missing out on the advantages that belong exclusively to the cyber world of romance.

The whole point of these sites is that you know, before you even message back, that SustekStaffer27 is purportedly single (and if he’s taken, so sociopathic about hiding it that you wouldn’t fare any better if you met him at a happy hour), that he shares some of your outlooks on life (i.e., has aspirations beyond getting drunk, tan, and/or laid), and that his interests could be compatible with yours. You don’t have to go on three awkward dates before you realize that he only likes to play video games in his free time, and you get to see answers to questions you could never get away with asking early on (e.g., where he sees himself in 10 years, whether he wants to get married, how old he is).

That’s not to say that you can’t write some people off based on what they look like. There are some people you’ll just never be attracted to—maybe your first boyfriend had hazel eyes and traumatic headgear, and you always associate blue/green irises with the time your braces got stuck together.

If you find someone physically repulsing,  you might be fighting an uphill battle if you try to let his personality make up for it.

But if he looks great on paper and his picture only elicits a, “meh,” don’t be so quick to write him off completely.

It’s amazing how quickly you can become attracted to someone who didn’t knock you off your feet the first time you saw him. A funny, charming persona can be much more seductive than those mile-deep blue eyes. And on the flip side, anyone can get used to beauty, and the more time you spend with a physical trainer, the more ordinary he starts to look.

That’s not to say that you should spend your days pining over every profile you come across, or messaging guys you’re not immediately attracted to. But if a guy messages you, try to read his profile before checking out the pictures. And if the words line up, but the photos leave something to be desired, remind yourself what you’re looking for.

If you’re not looking for more than a few hookups, by all means, weight the photos. But if you’re looking for a successful relationship, consider giving guy who looks good on paper a chance.

Monday News Roundup: Background Checks and Online Dating

The New York Times ran an article yesterday on background checks for online dating sites.

While this article had a few good tips on safety (like always meeting first dates in public), but for the most part it felt like sensationalized nightly news, painting the world as a much more dangerous place than it actually is.

Yes, some people on these sites might have spouses, or criminal records, or dangerous intentions, but so do people that you meet at coffeeshops, bars, night classes, work, even house parties.

We seem to have this idea that rapists and criminals are drawn to the internet. It is, after all, easy to hide behind an assumed identity when you can post whatever picture you want, but it’s equally as easy to lie in person. Sure, you can’t fake your weight or age when you’re having a face-to-face conversation, but when was the last time you asked for ID when a guy gave you his name?

People you meet at bars have no incentive to disclose a criminal record, and just because someone said it to your face doesn’t mean it’s true.

The fact is, rape wasn’t invented by the internet, and you’re at just as much risk when you go around meeting people in “real” life too.

Unfortunately, this article provides no numbers, and it doesn’t seem like there’s been extensive research comparing criminals who target dating sites instead of deserted alleys, but we’d bet that the percentages are about the same, if not lower in favor of online dating. If there’s anything CSI’s taught us, it’s that a lot of criminals get their kicks from the challenges.

But the main issue with this article is that it fails to discuss the biggest potential hurdle for these companies that offer background checks on online users, which is that they rely on accurate information. If you want a background check on SurfBoy212, you’d need his full name and date of birth. But if someone’s trying to conceal a criminal history, he’s probably not going to offer up honest answers to your inquiries.

Even if they’re not trying to hide anything, how are you going to go about obtaining a DOB? It reminds us of the date-rape kit David Cross always carries:

That’s not to say that you should have to feel embarrassed/apologetic about looking out for your safety, but the main issue is that you’d probably have to be upfront about it to get the correct information. This probably isn’t going to create the most favorable impression for your date, which again, would be OK if the results would be accurate.

But because a guy with something to hide is probably going to lie in the first place, you’re risking a lot for a very unlikely payoff. The fact is, you never know when someone’s telling you the truth, and if meeting guys in real life gives you a false sense of security, that’s probably more dangerous than skeptically online dating.

The Second-Hardest Part of Breaking Up Is Actually Doing It (Part 1)

We’ve all been there. You’re seeing someone and you’ve decided, for whatever reason, that you want out.

But once you’ve made the decision to break it off, you have a second logistical nightmare on your hands: how, exactly, do you go about breaking another person’s heart?

OK, it doesn’t have to be that dramatic. And to help you out, we’ll break it down, in order of descending difficulty.

First scenario: the guy from OK Cupid

You went out with StudlyDolittle69 once (or twice, or thrice), and no matter how hard you try to ignore it, that bald spot and lazy eye combo just aren’t doing it for you. But he’s treated you to a few dinners, and you feel bad…

The great thing about online dating is that it establishes electronic messaging as the standard form of communication. So even if you have his number, you only owe him an email/message.

Wait until he tries to contact you. Maybe the “this isn’t working” feeling is mutual, and, if you never hear from him again, you never have to tell him you’re just not that into him.

But if he does ask you out again, keep it short and vague. Say something like, “I had a great time with you, and I think you’re really cool. But I’m not really sure I’m ready to get involved with someone right now.” If he calls you and you want to have that convo over the phone, great. If he calls and you’d rather fire off an e-mail, that’s fine too.

If you really hit it off as friends (and, as weird as that sounds, sites like OK Cupid that try to match you up with someone based on interests often spawn just as many platonic friendships as they do relationships), you might say something like, “Your stories about your French host family had me laughing for days, and I’d still love to hang out as friends, if you think I’m friend material.”

If he responds with anything other than “Yeah, let’s be friends,” ignore him. He might ask you what went wrong. He might ask you to refund your half of the dinners. Whatever it is, you don’t owe him a response, and if he seems like he might be inclined to message again, block him.

It’s tempting to think, “Oh, if I just explain that it wasn’t about his personality, it was just about his receding hairline and wandering eye, he’ll feel so much better!” But the longer you drag it out, the less fair it is to him. When a guy asks why you felt like it wasn’t going to work and you gave him a straight answer, you might think you’re just clarifying, but what you’re really doing is giving him hope.

And no one wants to hear that he’s bossy, or that he talks too much about himself, or that he smelled so bad you had to breathe through your nose.

“But the odor’s such an easy fix!” you say. “And if I tell him now, maybe he’ll have better luck with the next girl!”

It’s not your place, and when you say, “If you try bathing more frequently, maybe you’ll have a better shot with the next girl,” he might hear, “If you try bathing more frequently,  I’ll go out with you again.”

And besides, would you want a guy telling you it wasn’t you, it was your waistline?

And we can’t believe we have to say this, but we will: if you’ve been messaging some guy and he drops his prostitution habit/bed-wetting problems/”I’m still in love with my ex,” do NOT send him a break-up message. Just stop responding. 

How to Approach Online Dating

Our regular readers know that we’re huge proponents of online dating. When it’s used properly, it’s a great way to meet someone who shares your interests and values, which is pretty much the opposite of meeting guys in bars (i.e., is he cute enough? am I drunk enough?).

But sometimes it’s hard to figure out how, exactly to navigate this social stratosphere that no other generation has really used. What should you put on your profile? Should you message him first? What’s too sexy for a profile picture?

In our opinion, online dating works better as a conversation starter than it does as a matchmaking service. Think of it this way: you’re probably more likely to sign up for one of these sites when you’re new to a city and desperate to meet anyone—platonic friends included.

In fact, one of our friends who’s had the most success with online dating has a huge circle of friends that she meet on dating sites. This might not seem like a huge deal, but when you consider the fact that most people who sign up for these services are looking for love and come in with the highest of hopes and then quickly learn to move on at the first sign of incompatibility, it’s pretty remarkable that she keeps in touch with, much less befriends, people she romantically rejected.

But in the real world, think about situations that produce the most successful couples. How many couples meet at dinner parties or work events where they aren’t looking for love? And how many met at speed dating?

This is why we prefer free dating sites to paid subscriptions. When you sign up for OK Cupid, you’re testing the waters, seeing what’s out there. When you drop $200 for 6 months of Match.com, you’ve made a pretty big financial commitment to get what you paid for.

Guys are more attracted to women who seem laid back, casual, fun, and not too obsessed with the idea of finding “The One.” So your OK Cupid persona should project this persona. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ignore messages from guys with facial piercings if your entire wardrobe is Lily Pulitzer. But it does mean your profile and messages should be more of a conversation starter than a marriage proposal.

Don’t look at your profile as the place to capture your personality so that the person on the other side of the screen can get to know the real you, deepest, darkest secrets included, and then decide whether or not you two would be compatible. In the real-world dinner party scenario, you wouldn’t tell the guy sitting next to you that could absolutely, positively never date a smoker and that you fall in love too easily. Instead, you would drop tiny tidbits of information in the hopes of drawing him in to the conversation.

Your profile should do the same thing. Your “About Me” section doesn’t have to be an autobiography. It doesn’t have to sum up your personality or list your flaws. It’s supposed to give the person looking at your profile something to message you about. And that’s why vague, abstract descriptions of your personality are actually a terrible idea, because a) they’re pretty boring to read and b) what’s he going to message you—“I procrastinate too!”?

Talk about things that are more on the unique/interesting side of things, but universal enough that someone can respond with his own experience. Things like travel, hobbies, etc. Try to be both specific and open-ended so that he can ask you about it. Something like, “I once backpacked through Guatemala and resorted to eating live fish.” Specific story that naturally leads to when/how/why you ate live fish.

Same goes for messages you send potential matches. Don’t say, “I also love The Big Lebowski—I bet we would get along really well!” Try more along the lines of, “So I’m a little new to this and not really sure how this works, but I just moved to DC and I see that you do yoga—do you have any suggestions for a good studio?”

Keep it short and sweet, like you would at a dinner party.

And treat the ensuing banter like a dinner party. Don’t provide unsolicited information. Don’t send overly long messages. Keep it light and casual. Online dating is just like meeting guys at any other place—this isn’t your only shot at love, so don’t act like you think it is.

Online Dating for Smarties

Summer Heights High taught us that students from private school are more likely to go to college and make lots of money, while nearly all wife beaters and rapists are public school educated.



So what do you do if you’re one of the lucky few to graduate from a fancy university with $150,000 in debt? You can’t date just anyone—especially someone who went to a state school.

Luckily, you have options. Why scrounge around on Match.com when anyone with an e-mail address can message you?

Instead, try intelligentpeople.com. It’s, “an online dating and networking community exclusively for intelligent people.” And no posers allowed—you have to pass an IQ test to join.

Here’s the first question on the IQ test:

Find the image missing in the frame

No, this isn’t a trick question. So, on second thought, this might not be a horrible idea, as we’re not sure we’d want to date anyone who couldn’t answer this question correctly.

Full disclosure: we flukned this mofo. Twice. It gets harder, we swear.

But if you’re looking for the full package (i.e., high IQ and an Ivy League education), two dating sites screen users by alma mater.

Goodgenes.com advertises itself as an “exclusive online introduction and dating service… to help Ivy Leaguers and similarly well-educated graduates and faculty find others with matching credentials.”

Acceptable institutions include, Harvard, Princeton, “Medical Schools,” “Law Schools,” and “Schools of Osteopathic Medicine.”

If all of this sounds too good to be true, wait till you see the sample profiles. One reads, “Hello, I am a 24 year old Italian male. I stand 5'9" tall and weigh 166 lbs. I work out 4 days a week and enjoy outdoor avtivities [sic]. I attend the Universtity [sic] of Medicine and Dentistry. Currently, I am a junior in the Dental program. I plan on graduating in May of 2001 where I plan on becoming an associate in an established practice.”

Joining is easy: simple fill out a paper application and mail (yes, mail) it in along with your check (this company doesn’t seem to have caught on to the whole electronic payment thing yet) and hard copy photos, which they scan in and add to your profile. Want to change your profile? It’s as easy as mailing in your revisions along with a check for $5.00. Because updating a profile requires a lot of manpower, it’s $5.00 each time you update your profile. Want to see another member’s profile? Mail in a check for $5.00. While match.com might not make you pay to look at profiles, goodgenes.com removes 99 percent of the population from your dating pool, so it’s definitely worth it.

The Right Stuff (rightstuffdating.com) has pretty much the same setup. You have to mail in a paper application, and you have to mail in $5.00 every time you want to make changes to your profile or look at another member’s page. But they have 4,900 members nationwide—which is almost the size of one graduating class at an elite universitiy! And while there may not be any members in your city, it sure beats trying to pick up jailbait at Georgetown house parties, right?

You might be wondering why these dating sites targeted at the nation’s elite look like they were designed by 5-year-olds and seem to have the technological capabilities of a Web site built in 1991. To that, we say: if you even have to ask those questions, you’re probably not smart enough to join.

Friday News Roundup: The OkCupid Blog

Apparently, OkCupid, the free dating site whose (lack of) price tag somehow makes it seem sketchy, has a blog.

And it’s actually pretty good. Unfortunately, most of their posts have to do with maximizing results on online dating, and they spend a lot of time building charts and graphs (which seems like the perfect job for a hopelessly romantic statistician) whose value and relevance we have to question.

But it does make for an interesting read.

Today, we want to highlight two posts in particular.

The first is a dissertation on the role your profile picture plays in your success (or lack thereof) in online dating.

A quasistatistical study of OkCupid users reveals that everything Match.com ever told us is wrong!

Showing your face in your profile picture? Don’t do it!

Posting a “MySpace” shot (i.e., a picture you took by holding a crappy Webcam over your head and pouting up at the camera)? You’ll get more messages!

Guys—have a six pack that rivals The Situation’s? Show it off!

While all of these profile picture faux pas might attract more attention, the lovestruck statisticians don’t really have a way of measuring which types of people who contact these brooding meatheads.

And so the only really useable information this post provides is their take on girls showing cleavage. The economists who dropped out of grad school to fall in love found that women who show cleavage get more messages that lead to extended correspondence (i.e., not just one message that says, “Nice tits”) than women who don’t.

But you have to take the rest of the data with a grain of salt.

Yes, the MySpace girls might get more messages than the English majors who use more “normal” headshots, but the guys who contact the MySpacers might be equally emo, unemployed 17-year-olds—not the type of guys the English majors would necessarily want to meet.

Then again, the girls who post MySpace pictures are probably pretty compatible with the guys who post shirtless pictures. So maybe the lesson is, it’s just easier to find dates if you’re the kind of girl who makes a kissy face in her profile picture.

The other finding worth noting is that people who post pictures of themselves doing something interesting tend to get more messages than the people who post a neck-up version of the best photo ever taken of them.

When we look at someone’s profile picture, we expect the photo to be at least 10 percent more attractive than the person is in real life. After all, inordinately hot photos attract the most attention, right?

But after a guy’s first month on an online dating sight, he’s going to know that if she looks too good to be true, she probably is.

And you don’t want to start competing for guys on looks alone. So post a photo of yourself doing something you love. Or post a quirky photo. It’ll probably take you farther than that bikini shot from the summer you had Mono.