When Americans talk about sex, we like to use nomenclature to dress up ideas that might otherwise sound unappealing.
Do you want to take a piece of hard, thick flesh that occasionally secrets urine (and may or may not have been washed since the last time it was used for this purpose) and jam it down your throat until you’re practically gagging, then bob your head up and down for three to five minutes while your jaw gets tired, only stopping after you’ve swallowed a wad of salty human excrement? No? Well, would you like to try fellatio? How about oral sex? Or head?
But one reality of sex (and life) seems to have escaped the redeeming moniker: pubic hair. We all have it. Most of us don’t like talking about it.
It makes sense that girls wouldn’t want pubes or bushes any more than they’d want genital warts, so most shave it off and act like it never grew in.
But do we ever stop to think about why?
Our obsession with the bare-down-there goes hand in hand with most girls’ ideas about what physical attributes turns guys on.
If you were to ask an average woman if she thought the body men fantasized most about belonged to a prepubescent 12-year-old boy, she’d probably laugh at the absurdity of your question. But if you then asked her to describe the woman she sees as a man’s ultimate fantasy lover, here’s what you’d probably hear: “Well, she’d be, like, super skinny. Like, stick legs like Blake Lively on Gossip Girl. No hips, no butt… she could stand sideways and hide behind a twig and no one would be able to see her. Ummm… totally shaved, down there, and—oh! Bangs. She’d definitely have bangs.”
That stick-thin, hairless “ideal” body sounds more like a 12-year-old boy’s than a Sports Illustrated model’s.
We’ve talked about this before: girls tend to think that guys want to sleep with waifs, while guys plaster their dorm-room walls with pictures of big boobs, thick thighs, and shelf asses.
That isn’t to say that guys don’t appreciate a smooth landing strip. In fact, most guys we talked to said they preferred a shaved pelvis.
But, for the most part, they also said something along the lines of, “I mean, it doesn’t really matter, as long as it’s not too out of control.”
The bottom line is: when you’re naked, the guy with the view isn’t checking for stray hairs. He’s so happy to be there that his brain can’t even conjure up criticisms. So while a shaved vagina might turn him on more, an unshaved one won’t turn him off.
This doesn’t mean you should stop shaving if it makes you feel more comfortable. But what it does mean is, if you’ve got a five o’clock shadow, don’t feel self-conscious about it.
In an earlier post, we talks about the two things that turn men on most in bed: confidence and enthusiasm. So, ideally, you really shouldn’t be feeling any self-consciousness when you’re getting horizontal. The best way to project confidence is to feel confident, even if you have to fake it by acting like you’ve never felt sexier.
But it might help to know that your bikini line is one of those things that really can’t break the deal. When Indiana Jones finally found the Holy Grail, he didn’t say, “Eh, no thanks. That thing has a little dust around the rim.”
So don’t start acting shy because you forgot to shave. Don’t stop him from removing your thong or demand that he turn off the lights. That type of behavior will turn him off a lot more than a little stubble ever will.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
10 Tips to Avoid While Holiday Flirting
While we were engaging in some much needed procrastination this afternoon, we came across this holiday nightmare: 10 Ways to Flirt While Holiday Shopping.
This is exactly what we mean when we talk about the “wrong” kind of dating advice. This article encourages women to be unappealingly aggressive, the female equivalent of a guy with a beer belly spilling out of his wife beater approaching the hottest blonde in the bar and telling her she has nice tits.
Let’s take a look at some highlights.
2. Accidently pick up his shopping bag instead of yours. Say, “Oops, guess we should write our names on these bags so we don’t get them confused. What’s yours??” If he asks for your name in return, consider yourself booked for New Year’s Eve!
Are. You. Serious. This ploy is going to make you look dumb and desperate, not sexy and seductive. We’ve been to the mall millions of times, and we’ve seen our fair share of crazed Christmas shoppers. But no one has ever mistaken our shopping bag for theirs. So this scheme is going to seem a little off from the beginning. But, OK, let’s say you’ve attempted robbery and the guy doesn’t seem too pissed (after you’ve offered to return his bag). You then drop a line that lacks wit, charm, and social graces. You might as well say, “Hey, yeah, I know, I’m trying to pick up guys at the mall around Christmastime, which is, I know, a little desperate, but, um, I’m really lonely, and I can’t really think of a more creative way of asking this, so: what’s your name?”
When someone tries to steal your bag and then asks for your name, it’s weird and creepy. It also makes you look like a complete airhead. Is that really the best way to make a first impression?
The problem with advice like this is that it encourages girls to act in ways that simply aren’t going to attract a datable guy. It can be hard to sit around in mall full of perfectly eligible bachelors and not make a move. Because nothing ever happens to girls who sit around and wait for things to happen, right?
But acting like this isn’t going to attract the kind of attention you’re looking for. If a guy did fall for the purse-snatcher pick-up, would you want to date him anyway? If a guy came up to you and pulled that move, wouldn’t you run the other way? If this is the only way he can meet a girl, there’s probably a good reason why he’s still single. And you don’t wanna stick around to find out what it is.
But let’s say he does give you his name. Does that mean you’re “booked for New Year’s?” Absolutely not!
The other problem with this kind of advice is that it encourages girls to read too much in to things. You can’t assume that he’s interested just because he gave you his name. Chick flick and romances novels encourage girls to start picking out baby names after the first date. But when you spend more time fantasizing than you do going on dates, you’re bound to be disappointed.
4. While shopping inside a store blaring Christmas carols at a decibel fit for no man or reindeer – lean over to a cute guy and say, “This song is going to be running through my mind all night long. Unless you want to give me something better to think about…”
This is something Samantha Jones would say before a steamy one-time tryst in the Saks dressing room. But, in the real world, this probably won’t work as well.
If you approach a guy and tell him you’re all about sex, that’s all he’s gonna see you as. Like we said in our first post,a lot of guys think all play and no work is a good deal, but most girls have a hard time making it through it unscathed.
And then there’s the issue of your sanity. Most guys aren’t expecting women to walk up to them in a mall and offer them sex. And while that scenario might be perfect fodder for a little self loving, they probably wouldn’t react as well if it actually happened. After all, if you’re approaching him, he’s probably wondering how many other guys get the same offer.
No matter how well he takes it, you’re still going to look a little crazy. He could be a rapist, or a murderer, or a alien, for all you know. From his perspective, if you’re willing to expose yourself to those kinds of risks, you’re probably not the most stable suitor.
6. Slip that cute Santa bell ringer your number instead of a quarter. (OK, OK, toss a couple of bucks in his bucket as well. Nobody hearts a Grinch!)
We’ve never seen a cute Santa. But even if a jolly (read: portly) old man is your idea of a hot date, think of how you would react if you were trying to raise money for charity and a random guy walked up to you, handed you his number, and then walked away. Would you call? So why do you think you’d fare any better if you were the patron in this scenario?
Even if all of points on this list aren’t meant to be taken seriously, they encourage a type of behavior that’s unlikely to get you what they want. The author wants girls to think they can throw themselves at everything with a penis and still manage to look sexy. But desperation never looks good on anyone.
This is exactly what we mean when we talk about the “wrong” kind of dating advice. This article encourages women to be unappealingly aggressive, the female equivalent of a guy with a beer belly spilling out of his wife beater approaching the hottest blonde in the bar and telling her she has nice tits.
Let’s take a look at some highlights.
2. Accidently pick up his shopping bag instead of yours. Say, “Oops, guess we should write our names on these bags so we don’t get them confused. What’s yours??” If he asks for your name in return, consider yourself booked for New Year’s Eve!
Are. You. Serious. This ploy is going to make you look dumb and desperate, not sexy and seductive. We’ve been to the mall millions of times, and we’ve seen our fair share of crazed Christmas shoppers. But no one has ever mistaken our shopping bag for theirs. So this scheme is going to seem a little off from the beginning. But, OK, let’s say you’ve attempted robbery and the guy doesn’t seem too pissed (after you’ve offered to return his bag). You then drop a line that lacks wit, charm, and social graces. You might as well say, “Hey, yeah, I know, I’m trying to pick up guys at the mall around Christmastime, which is, I know, a little desperate, but, um, I’m really lonely, and I can’t really think of a more creative way of asking this, so: what’s your name?”
When someone tries to steal your bag and then asks for your name, it’s weird and creepy. It also makes you look like a complete airhead. Is that really the best way to make a first impression?
The problem with advice like this is that it encourages girls to act in ways that simply aren’t going to attract a datable guy. It can be hard to sit around in mall full of perfectly eligible bachelors and not make a move. Because nothing ever happens to girls who sit around and wait for things to happen, right?
But acting like this isn’t going to attract the kind of attention you’re looking for. If a guy did fall for the purse-snatcher pick-up, would you want to date him anyway? If a guy came up to you and pulled that move, wouldn’t you run the other way? If this is the only way he can meet a girl, there’s probably a good reason why he’s still single. And you don’t wanna stick around to find out what it is.
But let’s say he does give you his name. Does that mean you’re “booked for New Year’s?” Absolutely not!
The other problem with this kind of advice is that it encourages girls to read too much in to things. You can’t assume that he’s interested just because he gave you his name. Chick flick and romances novels encourage girls to start picking out baby names after the first date. But when you spend more time fantasizing than you do going on dates, you’re bound to be disappointed.
4. While shopping inside a store blaring Christmas carols at a decibel fit for no man or reindeer – lean over to a cute guy and say, “This song is going to be running through my mind all night long. Unless you want to give me something better to think about…”
This is something Samantha Jones would say before a steamy one-time tryst in the Saks dressing room. But, in the real world, this probably won’t work as well.
If you approach a guy and tell him you’re all about sex, that’s all he’s gonna see you as. Like we said in our first post,a lot of guys think all play and no work is a good deal, but most girls have a hard time making it through it unscathed.
And then there’s the issue of your sanity. Most guys aren’t expecting women to walk up to them in a mall and offer them sex. And while that scenario might be perfect fodder for a little self loving, they probably wouldn’t react as well if it actually happened. After all, if you’re approaching him, he’s probably wondering how many other guys get the same offer.
No matter how well he takes it, you’re still going to look a little crazy. He could be a rapist, or a murderer, or a alien, for all you know. From his perspective, if you’re willing to expose yourself to those kinds of risks, you’re probably not the most stable suitor.
6. Slip that cute Santa bell ringer your number instead of a quarter. (OK, OK, toss a couple of bucks in his bucket as well. Nobody hearts a Grinch!)
We’ve never seen a cute Santa. But even if a jolly (read: portly) old man is your idea of a hot date, think of how you would react if you were trying to raise money for charity and a random guy walked up to you, handed you his number, and then walked away. Would you call? So why do you think you’d fare any better if you were the patron in this scenario?
Even if all of points on this list aren’t meant to be taken seriously, they encourage a type of behavior that’s unlikely to get you what they want. The author wants girls to think they can throw themselves at everything with a penis and still manage to look sexy. But desperation never looks good on anyone.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Cheap Date: The Room
After watching The Room, one critic remarked that it seemed as if every expense had been spared on cast, crew, location, and production.
But that didn't stop us from paying $10 for an autographed copy of the DVD.
The film opens with the film's stars, a banker named Johnny with unprofessionally long greasy hair and an unidentifiable (and probably fake) accent and his fiancee Lisa, engaging in a pretty mundane conversation. Somber, ominous music plays in the background. Within five minutes, the soundtrack abruptly switches to a generic R&B song to accompany a painfully long, awkward, and gratuitous sex scene. There's another five minutes of stilted dialogue. And then another five minute sex scene (which reuses shots from the first one).
We don't normally like things that are so bad they're good, but The Room makes box office bombs look like amateurs. After a scene in which Johnny's best friend Mark (who's also listed as a personal assistant to the director in the credits) quizzes Johnny on his new client, and Johnny responds, "I can't tell you it's confidential. Anyway how is your sex life?", you begin to wonder if even Stanley Kubrick could have made this film on purpose. The film's missteps (and, as far as we can tell, there are only one or two lines that don't count as missteps) prove to be comedic gold.
The Room has regular screenings in New York and LA, but the director is making a stop in DC this weekend.
So if you're in town tonight, get your ass down to the E Street Cinema. And take a picture with Tommy Wiseau and send it to us at datethedistrict@gmail.com.
But that didn't stop us from paying $10 for an autographed copy of the DVD.
The film opens with the film's stars, a banker named Johnny with unprofessionally long greasy hair and an unidentifiable (and probably fake) accent and his fiancee Lisa, engaging in a pretty mundane conversation. Somber, ominous music plays in the background. Within five minutes, the soundtrack abruptly switches to a generic R&B song to accompany a painfully long, awkward, and gratuitous sex scene. There's another five minutes of stilted dialogue. And then another five minute sex scene (which reuses shots from the first one).
We don't normally like things that are so bad they're good, but The Room makes box office bombs look like amateurs. After a scene in which Johnny's best friend Mark (who's also listed as a personal assistant to the director in the credits) quizzes Johnny on his new client, and Johnny responds, "I can't tell you it's confidential. Anyway how is your sex life?", you begin to wonder if even Stanley Kubrick could have made this film on purpose. The film's missteps (and, as far as we can tell, there are only one or two lines that don't count as missteps) prove to be comedic gold.
The Room has regular screenings in New York and LA, but the director is making a stop in DC this weekend.
So if you're in town tonight, get your ass down to the E Street Cinema. And take a picture with Tommy Wiseau and send it to us at datethedistrict@gmail.com.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
What to Wear on a First Date
One of the great things about first dates is how easy it is to recycle outfits. If you have one dress reserved for first dates, no one will ever know how often you wear it (even if you find yourself pulling it out of your hamper three nights in a row).
We’re not slaves to fashion, and normally we don’t think it’s worth spending too much time thinking about what to wear. But a first date brings out the neurosis in most of us, and if you spend too much time worrying about your outfit, it can put you in the I’m-trying-too-hard frame of mind that never looks good on anyone.
Having a go-to outfit tucked away in your closet can help alleviate pre-date jitters.
But not everyone has the same ideas about what makes a good outfit, so we enlisted the help of two single DCers who never seem to be at a loss for dates. And we threw in our own opinion, just for good measure.
The 9-to-5 Blonde
When this girl goes out, guys take one look at her and open a tab. But she still gets nervous before dates. She went out with a new guy for the first time the other night, and she shared this story about what she wore:
The morning of my first date I heard on the radio that in order to have a successful first date (meaning, he calls you back) you have to show off 40 percent of your skin. (Apparently both arms are 10 percent and legs are 15 percent each.) That led to an entire day of anxiety trying to figure out how I was going to show off 40 percent of my skin in the middle of November. After mentioning this statistic to a few friends, it didn't take long for us to realize that no one other than a man came up with that statistic. Every woman should feel beautiful on her first date and if you feel beautiful showing off 40 percent of your skin in the middle of November, than do it. I prefer to be warm and comfortable. Basically, I decided what to wear based on what makes me feel beautiful. I chose the color black because it is slimming and classy. This black sweater dress is tight around my waist and really shows off my body without revealing a lot of skin. I wore tights and knee-high black boots to give it a wintery look. I topped the outfit off with a silver necklace to add some color other than black. When he picked me up the first words out of his mouth were, "You look great." The 40 percent skin rule isn't really a rule at all. Wear what makes you feel beautiful and you will come across as a confident and classy young woman that he can't wait to spend another night with.
The Black Card Beauty
When this girl goes shopping, she tells them to put it on her account. But she says most guys can’t tell Fendi from Forever 21, so she only advocates telling them to put it on her account if it actually looks good:
I think a lot of girls will spend $500 on a boxy dress that just isn’t flattering. I always want to look good, and I never want to look like I’m trying too hard. That’s why I almost always wear jeans on a first date: they can go either way. For this outfit, I paired jeans with a really nice top and some bolder accessories. In my opinion, you’re better off splurging on accessories, because you can carry the same bag every day and no one’s going to call you out on it. And if you’re wearing nice jeans and carrying a nice bag, a $20 top can suddenly look like a $200 top. Not that most guys are going to notice stuff like that. And if they do, I don’t necessarily want to be dating them. I also love raiding my mom’s closet—that bag is hers. You’d be surprised by what you can find in your parents’ wardrobes. Finally, I like to wear open-toed shoes on dates. I think they’re very flirty, but in a more subtle way. Anyone can wear something that shows off too much cleavage, but open-toed shoes are suggestive without being skanky. But, on the whole, I don’t think it’s worth worrying about what designer you’re wearing on a first date. If a guy’s judging you on that, do you really want to be dating him?
The Blogger
Like most bloggers, I’m almost always broke, so I don’t advocate actually spending money to put an outfit together. Instead, I always go through my closet and find new ways to wear clothes I already own.
I’m really into the Joan look from Mad Men right now because I think high-waisted skirts are pretty universally flattering. Unfortunately, I don’t own a high-wasited skirt. So I take a regular black skirt and a wide, tight-fitting, elastic belt (preferably one that doesn’t leave a loose end hanging), hike it up so that the skirt’s waist falls at the narrowest part of my midsection and secure it in place with the belt. (Sometimes I need to fold some material in around the zipper if the new placement makes the skirt hang awkwardly.) Make sure that the skirt’s waistline is completely tucked into the belt. If my I’m using a tight skirt, I take a gauzy or loose-fitting white shirt and tuck it into the skirt. And then I use the belt to make it look like skirt and shirt are one piece. If I’m using a loose skirt, I put on a tight-fitting white shirt, and, again, use the belt to make it look like one seamless dress. If you have great boobs, show a little cleavage. If you’re as flat-chested as I am, consider using the tight skirt/loose shirt option (I personally use a skin-tight long tube top from American Apparel that can kinda, sorta pass for a skirt, especially with a guy who knows nothing about clothes), and opt for a shirt with ruffles where there should be cleavage. The clearance section at a store like Marshalls or Filene’s Basement can be a surprisingly good place to find shirts for under $5 that might look hideous on their own, but don’t look so bad when only the top third peeks out from under the skirt. Add a pair of black tights—they make everyone’s legs look better, and some even come with control tops if you’re into that sort of thing. Finally, throw on a pair of heels. Yes, they’re annoying to walk in, but they also have a flattering effect. If you’re looking to blow some cash, maybe invest in a pair of stiletto ankle boots—whenever I go out, my guy friends always point them out to me. And while you’re at it, send me a pair at datethedistirct@gmail.com.
We’re not slaves to fashion, and normally we don’t think it’s worth spending too much time thinking about what to wear. But a first date brings out the neurosis in most of us, and if you spend too much time worrying about your outfit, it can put you in the I’m-trying-too-hard frame of mind that never looks good on anyone.
Having a go-to outfit tucked away in your closet can help alleviate pre-date jitters.
But not everyone has the same ideas about what makes a good outfit, so we enlisted the help of two single DCers who never seem to be at a loss for dates. And we threw in our own opinion, just for good measure.
The 9-to-5 Blonde
When this girl goes out, guys take one look at her and open a tab. But she still gets nervous before dates. She went out with a new guy for the first time the other night, and she shared this story about what she wore:
The morning of my first date I heard on the radio that in order to have a successful first date (meaning, he calls you back) you have to show off 40 percent of your skin. (Apparently both arms are 10 percent and legs are 15 percent each.) That led to an entire day of anxiety trying to figure out how I was going to show off 40 percent of my skin in the middle of November. After mentioning this statistic to a few friends, it didn't take long for us to realize that no one other than a man came up with that statistic. Every woman should feel beautiful on her first date and if you feel beautiful showing off 40 percent of your skin in the middle of November, than do it. I prefer to be warm and comfortable. Basically, I decided what to wear based on what makes me feel beautiful. I chose the color black because it is slimming and classy. This black sweater dress is tight around my waist and really shows off my body without revealing a lot of skin. I wore tights and knee-high black boots to give it a wintery look. I topped the outfit off with a silver necklace to add some color other than black. When he picked me up the first words out of his mouth were, "You look great." The 40 percent skin rule isn't really a rule at all. Wear what makes you feel beautiful and you will come across as a confident and classy young woman that he can't wait to spend another night with.
The Black Card Beauty
When this girl goes shopping, she tells them to put it on her account. But she says most guys can’t tell Fendi from Forever 21, so she only advocates telling them to put it on her account if it actually looks good:
I think a lot of girls will spend $500 on a boxy dress that just isn’t flattering. I always want to look good, and I never want to look like I’m trying too hard. That’s why I almost always wear jeans on a first date: they can go either way. For this outfit, I paired jeans with a really nice top and some bolder accessories. In my opinion, you’re better off splurging on accessories, because you can carry the same bag every day and no one’s going to call you out on it. And if you’re wearing nice jeans and carrying a nice bag, a $20 top can suddenly look like a $200 top. Not that most guys are going to notice stuff like that. And if they do, I don’t necessarily want to be dating them. I also love raiding my mom’s closet—that bag is hers. You’d be surprised by what you can find in your parents’ wardrobes. Finally, I like to wear open-toed shoes on dates. I think they’re very flirty, but in a more subtle way. Anyone can wear something that shows off too much cleavage, but open-toed shoes are suggestive without being skanky. But, on the whole, I don’t think it’s worth worrying about what designer you’re wearing on a first date. If a guy’s judging you on that, do you really want to be dating him?
The Blogger
Like most bloggers, I’m almost always broke, so I don’t advocate actually spending money to put an outfit together. Instead, I always go through my closet and find new ways to wear clothes I already own.
I’m really into the Joan look from Mad Men right now because I think high-waisted skirts are pretty universally flattering. Unfortunately, I don’t own a high-wasited skirt. So I take a regular black skirt and a wide, tight-fitting, elastic belt (preferably one that doesn’t leave a loose end hanging), hike it up so that the skirt’s waist falls at the narrowest part of my midsection and secure it in place with the belt. (Sometimes I need to fold some material in around the zipper if the new placement makes the skirt hang awkwardly.) Make sure that the skirt’s waistline is completely tucked into the belt. If my I’m using a tight skirt, I take a gauzy or loose-fitting white shirt and tuck it into the skirt. And then I use the belt to make it look like skirt and shirt are one piece. If I’m using a loose skirt, I put on a tight-fitting white shirt, and, again, use the belt to make it look like one seamless dress. If you have great boobs, show a little cleavage. If you’re as flat-chested as I am, consider using the tight skirt/loose shirt option (I personally use a skin-tight long tube top from American Apparel that can kinda, sorta pass for a skirt, especially with a guy who knows nothing about clothes), and opt for a shirt with ruffles where there should be cleavage. The clearance section at a store like Marshalls or Filene’s Basement can be a surprisingly good place to find shirts for under $5 that might look hideous on their own, but don’t look so bad when only the top third peeks out from under the skirt. Add a pair of black tights—they make everyone’s legs look better, and some even come with control tops if you’re into that sort of thing. Finally, throw on a pair of heels. Yes, they’re annoying to walk in, but they also have a flattering effect. If you’re looking to blow some cash, maybe invest in a pair of stiletto ankle boots—whenever I go out, my guy friends always point them out to me. And while you’re at it, send me a pair at datethedistirct@gmail.com.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
In Defense of Games
We’ve had quite a few comments from readers who seem to object to the idea of playing games. If you’re looking for a nice guy, they argue, you don’t need to play games. Games only attract assholes, and they aren’t necessary if you meet the right guy.
Sometimes you do meet the right guy and everything happens just the way we assume it does in Twilight (sparkling pseudo-orgasms and all).
But most of the time, it doesn’t. And it’s not always because “he’s just not that into you,” and it’s never because all guys are assholes who are just looking to break the world record for one-night stands.
But it’s also not that surprising. When you meet someone new, you have your guard up. You invest a lot of time, money, and emotions in each relationship, and you’re not going to give just anyone the chance to waste those commodities. Before you date someone, you want to make sure he’s worth it.
So if you meet someone who seems clingy or needy or annoying or whatever, chances are, you’re not going to want to date him/her. If a girl decides a guy isn’t datable, she’s probably going to stop seeing him. But if a guy is somewhat attracted to a girl he doesn’t want to date, he’s more likely to try to turn her into a friend with benefits.
And that’s where games can help your case. It’s not so much about tricking someone into dating you as it showing him why he wants to date you.
If a guy likes you enough to go out of his way to pursue a hook up (and this doesn’t mean buying you drinks at a bar the night you meet him), there’s a good chance he likes you enough to date you. But sometimes you need to remind him why he wants a relationship.
If he can get you to cab to his apartment at 2 a.m. for a night of no-strings-attached sex, he might forget that you’re worth taking out to dinner and introducing to his friends. When you give up your time, energy, and body that easily, it seems like they’re not that valuable to you. And if they don’t seem valuable to you, he’s definitely not going to think they’re worth much. From his perspective, if you’re so desperate to be with him that you’ll take anything, even a post-coital kick-out, it’s probably because he's out of your league. And if you’re out of his league, he can do better.
On the other hand, if you wait to show your enthusiasm, if you don’t accept all of his invitations, and if you start out unavailable, he might think, “Wow, this girl is out of my league. I need to lock this down.” Or he’ll think, “Wow, this girl is popular.” (And, thanks to high school, we all know that perceived popularity increases your sex appeal.) In general, your time will seem more valuable to him (even economists know that scarcity increases demand), and the more valuable something is, the more people want it.
Playing games is about showing your calm, cool, and confident side, not your clingy, desperate, emotionally unstable side. Playing games is about showing him that he’s not the most important thing in your life, and it’s about proving that if he’s going to treat you like shit, you have better things to do with your time.
Let’s say a guy makes a mistake early on. Let’s say he genuinely forgets to return your call for one week. And, when he does return your call, he gives you some lame excuse.
Some girls think that the “grown up” thing to do is to have a conversation with him and say, “Look, I don’t play games. I don’t date guys who don’t return my calls.”
And that’s fine—as long as you stick to your word. But if you decide to have that conversation after you’ve gone to his house and given him a blowjob, he’s not going to believe you. He’s already pulled a dick move and gotten away with it. Why should he go out of his way to be a gentleman the next time?
Games aren’t going to work every time. If the guy is a jerk or just isn’t interested, games will probably drive him away. But why is that a bad thing?
You probably have a great guy friend who started dating a great girl and then stopped returning her calls. And, because he’s your friend, you know he’s a super nice guy. So why is he being such a dick with this girl?
Like we’ve said before, it’s all about chemistry, attraction, and making someone want you. And the more a guy can’t have you, the more he wants you. If you didn’t like our Christmas toy analogy, look it up in an Econ textbook. Scarcity increases demand. The more you withhold, the more he wants it.
When you go on a date, you want to make a good impression. You put on an outfit that makes you look hot, you spend an hour doing your hair, and you do your makeup five times before you get it right.
So why not give your personality a dating makeover and play a little hard to get while you’re getting to know each other? It’s just like putting on lipstick: you can stop wearing it when your relationship gets to that point.
Sometimes you do meet the right guy and everything happens just the way we assume it does in Twilight (sparkling pseudo-orgasms and all).
But most of the time, it doesn’t. And it’s not always because “he’s just not that into you,” and it’s never because all guys are assholes who are just looking to break the world record for one-night stands.
But it’s also not that surprising. When you meet someone new, you have your guard up. You invest a lot of time, money, and emotions in each relationship, and you’re not going to give just anyone the chance to waste those commodities. Before you date someone, you want to make sure he’s worth it.
So if you meet someone who seems clingy or needy or annoying or whatever, chances are, you’re not going to want to date him/her. If a girl decides a guy isn’t datable, she’s probably going to stop seeing him. But if a guy is somewhat attracted to a girl he doesn’t want to date, he’s more likely to try to turn her into a friend with benefits.
And that’s where games can help your case. It’s not so much about tricking someone into dating you as it showing him why he wants to date you.
If a guy likes you enough to go out of his way to pursue a hook up (and this doesn’t mean buying you drinks at a bar the night you meet him), there’s a good chance he likes you enough to date you. But sometimes you need to remind him why he wants a relationship.
If he can get you to cab to his apartment at 2 a.m. for a night of no-strings-attached sex, he might forget that you’re worth taking out to dinner and introducing to his friends. When you give up your time, energy, and body that easily, it seems like they’re not that valuable to you. And if they don’t seem valuable to you, he’s definitely not going to think they’re worth much. From his perspective, if you’re so desperate to be with him that you’ll take anything, even a post-coital kick-out, it’s probably because he's out of your league. And if you’re out of his league, he can do better.
On the other hand, if you wait to show your enthusiasm, if you don’t accept all of his invitations, and if you start out unavailable, he might think, “Wow, this girl is out of my league. I need to lock this down.” Or he’ll think, “Wow, this girl is popular.” (And, thanks to high school, we all know that perceived popularity increases your sex appeal.) In general, your time will seem more valuable to him (even economists know that scarcity increases demand), and the more valuable something is, the more people want it.
Playing games is about showing your calm, cool, and confident side, not your clingy, desperate, emotionally unstable side. Playing games is about showing him that he’s not the most important thing in your life, and it’s about proving that if he’s going to treat you like shit, you have better things to do with your time.
Let’s say a guy makes a mistake early on. Let’s say he genuinely forgets to return your call for one week. And, when he does return your call, he gives you some lame excuse.
Some girls think that the “grown up” thing to do is to have a conversation with him and say, “Look, I don’t play games. I don’t date guys who don’t return my calls.”
And that’s fine—as long as you stick to your word. But if you decide to have that conversation after you’ve gone to his house and given him a blowjob, he’s not going to believe you. He’s already pulled a dick move and gotten away with it. Why should he go out of his way to be a gentleman the next time?
Games aren’t going to work every time. If the guy is a jerk or just isn’t interested, games will probably drive him away. But why is that a bad thing?
You probably have a great guy friend who started dating a great girl and then stopped returning her calls. And, because he’s your friend, you know he’s a super nice guy. So why is he being such a dick with this girl?
Like we’ve said before, it’s all about chemistry, attraction, and making someone want you. And the more a guy can’t have you, the more he wants you. If you didn’t like our Christmas toy analogy, look it up in an Econ textbook. Scarcity increases demand. The more you withhold, the more he wants it.
When you go on a date, you want to make a good impression. You put on an outfit that makes you look hot, you spend an hour doing your hair, and you do your makeup five times before you get it right.
So why not give your personality a dating makeover and play a little hard to get while you’re getting to know each other? It’s just like putting on lipstick: you can stop wearing it when your relationship gets to that point.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Reading His Mind
When a guy’s doing something you don’t like, it’s natural to want to figure out why he’s ignoring your texts or making out with your best friend.
Just take this conversation we overheard on the Red line last night:
Girl: So, last night I texted Brian, just, you know, to say hi—
Her friend: What did you say?
Girl: I was just like, “Hey, what’re you up to tonight?”
Her friend: What’d he say?
Girl: He never responded!
Her friend: What a dick!
Girl: No, like, I think the thing is, I think he might not be over his ex-girlfriend.
Her friend: Oh.
Girl: Yeah, like, I was looking at his Facebook, and there were all these pictures of him with this super hot blonde. She was, like, really cute, and looked like tons of fun. And I Googled her and she works for some big law firm, so she’s obviously really successful and stuff.
Her friend: Yeah.
Girl: And remember how I was telling you that he told me last weekend that he really wasn’t look for a relationship?
Her friend: Oh yeah.
Girl: I bet it’s because of her, you know? Like, I bet she totally broke his heart by dumping him for some hot-shot lawyer.
Her friend: Maybe…
Girl: And I wonder if, like, when I was starting to tell him that I liked him last weekend, if that maybe freaked him out.
Her friend: Could be…
Girl: So, maybe he’s trying to, like, play things cool so he doesn’t get too attached to me.
Her friend: Yeah.
Girl: I mean, also, he could have swine flu.
Her friend: You can still respond to a text with swine flu.
Girl: I’ve heard your fever gets so high you forget your own name.
Her friend: Really?
Girl: Well, he could just not be that into me.
Her friend: Ohmygod I’m sure that’s not it.
Girl: Yeah. You’re right. It’s probably swine flu.
This conversation made us cringe, for multiple reasons. But our first reaction was: these girls just wasted five minutes of their lives.
There are so many “what not to do’s” we could point out about this conversation, but the most striking of them is this: it’s not worth trying to figure out why Brian was ignoring her calls.
Most of us can’t read minds, a fact that frustrates scorned lovers to no end. After all, wouldn’t it be so much easier to move on if you knew why he was treating you like shit?
Maybe it would be, but no amount of Facebook stalking or drunk texting will ever reveal what’s going on in his head. Which makes any speculation on your part an utterly useless pursuit.
This applies to analyzing behavior too. If a guy tells you he doesn’t want to see you any more, it’s natural to wonder why he also told you he still loves you. And when a guy spends $200 on your first date, but then doesn’t call you for a month, you want to create the story that explains everything.
But even if you were to get him to “open up” to you about what went wrong, it’d be no more revealing than a suggestive wall-to-wall. People lie. They do things that don’t make sense. They tell you that they want to take you to Paris when they have no intention of ever seeing you again.
Actions may speak louder than words, but they still don’t tell you what a guy’s thinking. That’s why it’s not worth trying to figure out what a romantic first date or an intimate conversation “means:” you’ll never really know.
Once you start trying to read his mind, it’s hard to stop. You’ll probably never reach any conclusions you can truly believe, which means you’ll spend more and more time trying to “figure him out.” The closer he is to the forefront of your mind, the harder it is to move on if things don’t work out.
The key to healthy relationships and speedy breakup recoveries is thinking about the other person less, not more. If you spend too much time obsessing over a new guy, you build him up to something he can never be. And if you waste time thinking about what went wrong with an ex, you prevent yourself from moving on.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever think about him/your relationship. In fact, you should spend time analyzing the situation and figuring out how you think things are going. But when your analysis turns towards his thoughts and feelings, you start asking questions you’ll never find answers to.
Instead of trying to figure out what he’s thinking (which you’ll never know), focus on what he’s doing. And adjust your behavior accordingly.
If he’s taking you on dates and calling to say hi, keep seeing him. If he waits three weeks to text you, don’t respond.
There’s no direct line to another person’s stream of consciousness. It’s not hidden in the next Facebook photo or his track times from high school.
You’re never going to know anything with 100 percent certainty, and that includes his motives, his intentions, and his opinions of you. And no amount of obsessive analysis will change that.
So stop trying to figure out what he’s thinking.
Just take this conversation we overheard on the Red line last night:
Girl: So, last night I texted Brian, just, you know, to say hi—
Her friend: What did you say?
Girl: I was just like, “Hey, what’re you up to tonight?”
Her friend: What’d he say?
Girl: He never responded!
Her friend: What a dick!
Girl: No, like, I think the thing is, I think he might not be over his ex-girlfriend.
Her friend: Oh.
Girl: Yeah, like, I was looking at his Facebook, and there were all these pictures of him with this super hot blonde. She was, like, really cute, and looked like tons of fun. And I Googled her and she works for some big law firm, so she’s obviously really successful and stuff.
Her friend: Yeah.
Girl: And remember how I was telling you that he told me last weekend that he really wasn’t look for a relationship?
Her friend: Oh yeah.
Girl: I bet it’s because of her, you know? Like, I bet she totally broke his heart by dumping him for some hot-shot lawyer.
Her friend: Maybe…
Girl: And I wonder if, like, when I was starting to tell him that I liked him last weekend, if that maybe freaked him out.
Her friend: Could be…
Girl: So, maybe he’s trying to, like, play things cool so he doesn’t get too attached to me.
Her friend: Yeah.
Girl: I mean, also, he could have swine flu.
Her friend: You can still respond to a text with swine flu.
Girl: I’ve heard your fever gets so high you forget your own name.
Her friend: Really?
Girl: Well, he could just not be that into me.
Her friend: Ohmygod I’m sure that’s not it.
Girl: Yeah. You’re right. It’s probably swine flu.
This conversation made us cringe, for multiple reasons. But our first reaction was: these girls just wasted five minutes of their lives.
There are so many “what not to do’s” we could point out about this conversation, but the most striking of them is this: it’s not worth trying to figure out why Brian was ignoring her calls.
Most of us can’t read minds, a fact that frustrates scorned lovers to no end. After all, wouldn’t it be so much easier to move on if you knew why he was treating you like shit?
Maybe it would be, but no amount of Facebook stalking or drunk texting will ever reveal what’s going on in his head. Which makes any speculation on your part an utterly useless pursuit.
This applies to analyzing behavior too. If a guy tells you he doesn’t want to see you any more, it’s natural to wonder why he also told you he still loves you. And when a guy spends $200 on your first date, but then doesn’t call you for a month, you want to create the story that explains everything.
But even if you were to get him to “open up” to you about what went wrong, it’d be no more revealing than a suggestive wall-to-wall. People lie. They do things that don’t make sense. They tell you that they want to take you to Paris when they have no intention of ever seeing you again.
Actions may speak louder than words, but they still don’t tell you what a guy’s thinking. That’s why it’s not worth trying to figure out what a romantic first date or an intimate conversation “means:” you’ll never really know.
Once you start trying to read his mind, it’s hard to stop. You’ll probably never reach any conclusions you can truly believe, which means you’ll spend more and more time trying to “figure him out.” The closer he is to the forefront of your mind, the harder it is to move on if things don’t work out.
The key to healthy relationships and speedy breakup recoveries is thinking about the other person less, not more. If you spend too much time obsessing over a new guy, you build him up to something he can never be. And if you waste time thinking about what went wrong with an ex, you prevent yourself from moving on.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ever think about him/your relationship. In fact, you should spend time analyzing the situation and figuring out how you think things are going. But when your analysis turns towards his thoughts and feelings, you start asking questions you’ll never find answers to.
Instead of trying to figure out what he’s thinking (which you’ll never know), focus on what he’s doing. And adjust your behavior accordingly.
If he’s taking you on dates and calling to say hi, keep seeing him. If he waits three weeks to text you, don’t respond.
There’s no direct line to another person’s stream of consciousness. It’s not hidden in the next Facebook photo or his track times from high school.
You’re never going to know anything with 100 percent certainty, and that includes his motives, his intentions, and his opinions of you. And no amount of obsessive analysis will change that.
So stop trying to figure out what he’s thinking.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Cheap Date: The Source
If you're intimidated by the absence of prices on the menu at the DC version of Wolfgang Puck's trendy (read: expensive) line of restaurants, the new happy-hour-esque special at The Source might be for you. It's still an excuse to get dressed up, but, if you get there between 5 and 6 p.m. Monday through Saturday, you don't have to blow a ton of cash. The Source is, of course, too classy to call it what it really is (a happy hour), so they're dubbing it "The Hour of Power," and they'll give you three dishes paired with three glasses of wine for $25. That should be enough to eliminate some of that still-getting-to-know-each-other awkwardness. And we always love a happy hour that lasts till Saturday. Although you'll still have to come up with your own solution to the inexorable DC "Why am I drunk at 6 p.m. and what am I supposed to do now?" conundrum.
The Source
575 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.
202.637.6100
The Source
575 Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W.
202.637.6100
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