Monday, November 9, 2009

The Women's Guide to Being Good in Bed

When my friends and I first started having sex, we spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to be good in bed.

We learned about sex from Sex and the City, Cosmopolitan, and the occasional overly graphic movie we weren’t supposed to be watching. All three mediums presented sex as a competition that you could only win by being the best lover your partner ever had.

We weren’t quite sure how you were supposed to accomplish this. Was there a secret move, a certain thrust of the hips, that was the key to being a veritable vixen?

I have shamelessly asked countless male friends this very question, and it has gotten me a little closer to some kind of answer. Obviously sex is different for every person, but there are some things that most guys seem to like.

The guys I have talked to have overwhelmingly said that their most memorable partners have all one tiny, simple thing in common: they’re really enthusiastic in bed. That is, they're really into having sex.

They initiate it, they suggest trying new things, they seem uninhibited and they tell a guy exactly what to do to make them come.

Obviously there's a limit to this: Most guys would get a little freaked out if a girl pulled out a strap-on and told them to bend over the first or second time they had sex.

But, in general, guys have healthy sexual appetites, and they're looking for someone who is as hungry for an orgasm as they are.

Showing a guy that there’s nowhere else you'd rather be turns out to be the best move you can pull in bed.

How can you do this? The first step is body confidence.

A lot of girls feel insecure when they're naked. Our society teaches women to look at each other critically, to seek out the flaws and imperfections in each other's bodies.

Occasionally, women assume that men are doing the same thing. But men aren't wired like that, especially when a situation presents them with the potential for sex.

Their hormones kick in and the blood leaves their brains and heads south, leaving them with only one thought: "Naked girl - hot!"

The fashion world has also created an image that most girls I know aspire to: thin to the point of malnourishment, with hips as narrow as a 10-year-old boy's.

However, this picture is designed to intimidate every girl who can't fit into dolls' clothing, which makes it harder to get naked without feeling self-conscious.

Again, this is not what guys are thinking. If you flip through an issue of Playboy, you won't see any protruding ribs or skeletal arms. Instead, you'll see curvy hips, thick thighs and asses you could balance a dinner tray on.

Any guy is probably going to be turned on by whatever he finds under a girl's clothes, as long as she presents her body as something that should turn him on.

Act like you are really enjoying your body, even if you're feeling a little bloated. Don't hide under the sheets, and don't insist that he turn off all the lights before you even take off your shirt.

If you still feel a little self-conscious, imagine that you are an entirely different person, someone who can't wait to show off her naked body. Pretend you're acting in a sex scene in a movie.

What would your character do? Eventually, your persona's self-assuredness will translate into confidence in your own body.

Then keep the enthusiasm coming. This doesn't mean that you should fake anything, but sometimes when you try things that may at first seem a little out of character, you start to feel more comfortable and open up to new things.

Start with baby steps. Touch yourself. Let the guy watch. Initiate a blowjob.

Foreplay is your chance to let loose a little more. If something feels good, don't be afraid to moan or tell the guy how it feels.

Again, don't force anything. If something isn't working for you, do something about it. Move his hand or his head and point him in the right direction, or give him verbal instructions.

Guys already know they can get themselves off, so they're usually much more interested in trying to get you off too. Let yourself get really turned on.

When it comes to actual sex, some girls can be a little passive. They're content to let a guy get on top and do all the work, while they lie on their backs without making a sound.

If a guy is really into sex, and you're not, it's a buzz kill. This doesn't mean that you have to put your legs behind your head or twist yourself into a really awkward position, but your partner should know that you're having fun.

If something is not working for you, change positions. If you're having trouble climaxing, reach down and touch yourself.

You should be making noise not because you're forcing yourself to, but because you're genuinely into what you're doing.

You can also demonstrate your enthusiasm by trying new things. Dirty talk can be an easy thing to start with because you don't even need to bring it up ahead of time.

While you're having sex, start telling your partner how good he feels inside of you.

If he responds positively, take it further. Get graphic; use descriptive language (here's where college creative writing classes actually comes in handy).

Sometime when you're not having sex, you can also suggest trying different locations, role-playing, vibrators, sex toys, and whatever else sounds sexy to you.

In some ways, girls have it easy. All we have to do to be good in bed is have really intense orgasms.


  1. Just browsing through the blogs of my fellow blogspotters and I came across this. I have one question for you, it's going to sound sarcastic but I think it's a very important question and is not asked nearly enough by people who give relationship advice, in the way you are.

    Why should anyone listen to your advice, have you banged/dated/turned down proposals from 300 men? Is this a scholarly work (if so put down the Cosmo, cause we all know it's just full of crap)? Basically, what are your credentials to be advising others?

  2. To avoid any confusion, I’d like to second what you said and point out that Cosmo provides some of the worst/sex dating advice out there, and it should be ignored at all costs. Cosmo leaves girls thinking they should shower their S.O.s with love and affection and go out of their way to please their partners in bed. This not only hurts girls, it also sends guys running in the other direction.

    As far as my credentials go, I’ve just read a lot of books, talked to a lot of guys, and made a lot of mistakes that I learned from. I also worked as a sex columnist for a newspaper. It’s up to you to decide whether or not to what I’m saying rings true…

  3. What newspaper did you write for??? Are your articles posted online so we can read them? It would be great to see how you started!

  4. That's a fair answer. I'm just wary of anyone giving relationship advice since every meeting between two people is unique. Obviously there are the people who are just plain stupid. They tend to need advice, but of course it falls on deaf ears :D

    I'm glad you agree with me about Cosmo, but also most literature on relationships is at best useless and at worst dangerous. I don't even want to imagine the number of relationships destroyed by travesties such as 'The Game' or 'Men are From Mars...". Having said that, you are correct, we only learn from our experiences. Which is why I came to your blog in the first place. I was hoping it would be someone talking about their experiences - like what was your last date like etc.

    In this way, I feel the 'Sex and the City' mold would be more useful as a learning tool. Assuming, of course, it wasn't fictional.

  5. Enjoyed this post!

    I know that I started blogging because friends came to me with relationship and sex questions and kept telling me to write about my wacky dating experiences. I don't have training in the field of sex education so I make sure to include some disclaimers. (That might just be the lawyer in me, though - lol.)

    I think that your Q&A format totally works. That approach also gives you the option to keep it all Q&A or expand in the future. (It might help if you linked to your old articles to increase traffic and credibility, but that's totally your call.)

    Good luck and I look forward to reading more!

  6. Every woman should have tools of seduction to really satisfy their lover! Of course, confidence is key to all the tips in the Internet. If you don't have it, forget it!

  7. Interesting blog's information i like it women wants sex in different style and much more when she feel satisfaction in that she feel relax..

  8. Very nice blog..............!
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