News Roundup: Do Men with Accents Have an Edge in Dating?

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Missed Connection of the Day: You flagged me(police) down

You flagged me(police) down - m4w - 40 (DC (SE))

I was eating my lunch in my cruiser by the stadium. You flagged me down about a woman smacking her kids as she drove. She made it through the light & you were not sure what kind of car she drove. Honestly, I could barely pay attention to what you were saying. Your eyes were captivating and as an officer, I had never felt more like a victim…..of your beauty. If I call 911, will you rescue me?

Missed Connection of the Day: My Eye Doctor

My Eye Doctor - m4w - 38 (Rockville)

You asked me if I needed some help as I was standing in the store. I told you I was there to pick up my contacts. When you gave them to me, I indicated that I wanted the 2 week contacts and not the monthly ones. You insisted that I have you reorder another 3 pairs for me. I finally accepted after some persuasion from you.
Just wanted to let you know that I could have stayed lost in your eyes forever...If you read this and recall the moment, do please respond.

How to Keep Things Casual (Without Getting Hurt)

We usually advise our readers to stay away from casual dating.

A lot of hearts get broken in that gray zone between committed relationship and platonic friendship, and most 20-something women have outgrown the highs and lows that come from just hooking up (even if they aren’t willing to admit it) and, deep down, they’re looking for something more serious.

But sometimes you’re six months away from moving to a new city, or you just got out of a really serious relationship, and you just need to have some fun!

If you know what you’re getting yourself into (and this involves more than just telling yourself that you know what you’re getting into and that you won’t get attached—namely, spending some time figuring out what you are getting into and when it’ll be time to pull out), casual dating doesn’t have to be a scarring experience.

But successful casual dating is less about getting attached and more about respect and honesty.

Honesty might seem counterintuitive when you’re engaging in nonmonogamous sex, but the key to getting the most out of something neither of you is putting a lot into is making sure that you feel comfortable.

But to understand how that works, we need to talk about respect. The problem with most noncommitted relationships is that they can be the worst thing to happen to a girl’s self esteem since middle school happened.

When a guy engages in typical blow-off behavior (e.g., responding to a text two days later, only calling when he wants sex), the girl has a tendency to blame it on herself. She thinks that if only she were prettier or blonder or skinnier, he’d be showing up at her door with flowers every night, when in reality it’s probably her behavior, and not her looks, that are driving him away.

If a guy expresses sexual interest in you and then falls off the face of the planet, it’s probably because you made yourself too available. If you’re going to be engaging in casual sex, you have to realize that, and when it happens, you need to examine your behavior, not spend an extra three hours at the gym.

Casual dating can sometimes wreck havoc on your self-esteem. You meet a guy, hook up a few times, maybe come off as a little too eager, and then he starts blowing you off. So you think, “Oh, OK, he’s too hot/rich/smart for me—I need to focus on guys who are in my league. But also maybe he didn’t realize that I was interested, so he went off to find someone who was.” So then you start seeing this guy who maybe isn’t as good on paper (or in person). You hook up a few times, but you’re not going to make the same mistakes you did with the last guy. You start telling him how much you like him on the third date, and then he never asks you out on a fourth. You decide to lower your standards and up the eagerness. You’re miles out of the new guy’s league, and you tell him you love him on the second date, and when he tells you he doesn’t want to see you anymore, you can’t believe you got dumped by the unemployed 40-year-old your friend’s aunt set you up with.

Sometimes you can avoid this by being upfront. Tell him that you’re not looking for anything serious.

But if he does start blowing you off, or mentioning other people he’s seeing, or doing anything else that makes you feel shitty about yourself, break it off.

It’s not worth your sense of self worth—and this is what vibrators were invented for.

How to Approach Online Dating

Our regular readers know that we’re huge proponents of online dating. When it’s used properly, it’s a great way to meet someone who shares your interests and values, which is pretty much the opposite of meeting guys in bars (i.e., is he cute enough? am I drunk enough?).

But sometimes it’s hard to figure out how, exactly to navigate this social stratosphere that no other generation has really used. What should you put on your profile? Should you message him first? What’s too sexy for a profile picture?

In our opinion, online dating works better as a conversation starter than it does as a matchmaking service. Think of it this way: you’re probably more likely to sign up for one of these sites when you’re new to a city and desperate to meet anyone—platonic friends included.

In fact, one of our friends who’s had the most success with online dating has a huge circle of friends that she meet on dating sites. This might not seem like a huge deal, but when you consider the fact that most people who sign up for these services are looking for love and come in with the highest of hopes and then quickly learn to move on at the first sign of incompatibility, it’s pretty remarkable that she keeps in touch with, much less befriends, people she romantically rejected.

But in the real world, think about situations that produce the most successful couples. How many couples meet at dinner parties or work events where they aren’t looking for love? And how many met at speed dating?

This is why we prefer free dating sites to paid subscriptions. When you sign up for OK Cupid, you’re testing the waters, seeing what’s out there. When you drop $200 for 6 months of Match.com, you’ve made a pretty big financial commitment to get what you paid for.

Guys are more attracted to women who seem laid back, casual, fun, and not too obsessed with the idea of finding “The One.” So your OK Cupid persona should project this persona. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ignore messages from guys with facial piercings if your entire wardrobe is Lily Pulitzer. But it does mean your profile and messages should be more of a conversation starter than a marriage proposal.

Don’t look at your profile as the place to capture your personality so that the person on the other side of the screen can get to know the real you, deepest, darkest secrets included, and then decide whether or not you two would be compatible. In the real-world dinner party scenario, you wouldn’t tell the guy sitting next to you that could absolutely, positively never date a smoker and that you fall in love too easily. Instead, you would drop tiny tidbits of information in the hopes of drawing him in to the conversation.

Your profile should do the same thing. Your “About Me” section doesn’t have to be an autobiography. It doesn’t have to sum up your personality or list your flaws. It’s supposed to give the person looking at your profile something to message you about. And that’s why vague, abstract descriptions of your personality are actually a terrible idea, because a) they’re pretty boring to read and b) what’s he going to message you—“I procrastinate too!”?

Talk about things that are more on the unique/interesting side of things, but universal enough that someone can respond with his own experience. Things like travel, hobbies, etc. Try to be both specific and open-ended so that he can ask you about it. Something like, “I once backpacked through Guatemala and resorted to eating live fish.” Specific story that naturally leads to when/how/why you ate live fish.

Same goes for messages you send potential matches. Don’t say, “I also love The Big Lebowski—I bet we would get along really well!” Try more along the lines of, “So I’m a little new to this and not really sure how this works, but I just moved to DC and I see that you do yoga—do you have any suggestions for a good studio?”

Keep it short and sweet, like you would at a dinner party.

And treat the ensuing banter like a dinner party. Don’t provide unsolicited information. Don’t send overly long messages. Keep it light and casual. Online dating is just like meeting guys at any other place—this isn’t your only shot at love, so don’t act like you think it is.

Missed Connection of the Day: Farragut West Stop---Blue & White Plaid Shirt Man

The picture makes this post.

Farragut West Stop---Blue & White Plaid Shirt Man - w4m - 18 (Farragut West Metro Stop)


I entered the same metro car as you at court house around 11:45am, headed to my internship at national geographic. you were already sitting, listening to music, but glanced up at me when i entered. i almost chose to sit next to you, but your bag was on the seat beside you...*sigh* you were handsome with wavy dark brown hair, brown eyes [i believe], and were wearing a blue and white plaid shirt. we both got off at the Farragut West stop...and both took the elevator to the 17th street exit. i smirked b/c you were walking behind me. we should've walked together! i'm attaching a photo of myself so maybe you can identify me...i'm assuming you work around the area that i do, so maybe we could grab some coffee sometime. dunno how old you are...i'm thinking early 20 to mid-ish 20s. if you see this, verify what color clothing i was wearing...i was only wearing one color...so hopefully you remember.

What to Do When A Guy Offers to Split the Check

Last week, a friend of ours met a guy at a party. He asked for her number and called a few days later to invite her to dinner at a swanky sushi place. On the actual date, he ordered all the food—which was a major turn-on for our friend. When the bill came, she politely pulled out her wallet and offered to split. He paused. “It’s up to you,” he said.

Our friend instantly lost all interest in her date.

There are a million reasons why a guy should pay on the first date, and why you might want to rethink things if he doesn’t. But here’s the SparkNotes version: on a first date, you’re seeing the guy on his best behavior. He should be going out of his way to impress you and show off his good manners, and he knows going into it that the guy picking up the check is what society calls good manners (just like you know that you need to offer to split it). So if he doesn’t even want to go out of his way to make a good impression by picking up the check on the first date, there’s a good chance you’ll be eating at Wendy’s (and picking up the tab) six months from now.

And then there’s the issue that, in this case (and on most first dates), the guy does the inviting. Which means he picks the restaurant. Which means the girl has little control over the price. And when the guy orders everything, she has zero control, and letting her pay half the bill is like asking her to subsidize his splurge.

But this guy did something even more manipulative. When our friend offered to split, he told her the decision was hers to make. This might seem nice, but what he was really doing was making it seem like she had a choice when really he was dumping an awkward nondecision on her. When he says, “It’s up to you,” what’s she going to say? No, you pay?

But our friend actually handled this very well. She said, “I’m gonna let you pick up dinner, and I’ll buy you a drink.”

If you’re under thirty and working in DC, chances are, you’re on a pretty tight budget. And when a guy pulls a move like that, you probably don’t want to see him again. So why blow rent money to pay for a meal you didn’t order just to avoid a potentially awkward situation with a guy you don’t care about?

If you do what our friend did (i.e., tell him you’ll “let him pick this up” and offer to buy him a drink), you avoid the awkwardness. But if grace under pressure isn’t your forte, it’s still better to hold your ground. He got himself into this bill, he can pay his way out. If he insists on your paying, you can say something like, “You know, I didn’t order any of this food, and this is way out of my budget. I’m happy to give you thirty bucks, but I can’t afford to split this with you.”

A guy who acts like this on the first date only gets worse as the relationship goes on. So don’t worry about what he’ll tell his friends and congratulate yourself on getting out early.