Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: DC Edition

If you’re a girl and you’re bored at work on Mondays, chances are, you scan the NYTime’s Wedding Section and make fun of the profiled blushing brides.

And if you identify with all of the above and also hold a liberal arts degree (e.g., pottery making, beading, English), you’re probably already very familiar with Gawker’s Nuptial Roundup. But for the rest of us, Gawker writers/editors basically do the same Monday morning wedding planning that you do, only better (but if you were getting paid to do it, you’d probably be just as snarky).

This week, Gawker pitted couples against couples in an NCAA-style bracket, jealousy(but actually probably closer to self-loathing)-induced hilarity ensued.

We thought: if they can do it in New York, we can do it in DC. But turns out we were wrong. Very wrong.

To start, the Post only publishes three weddings a week, so we had to include the past two weeks to come up with an interesting bracket. Then we followed Gawker’s lead and ranked them by column length.

Quarterfinals: How They Met
Semifinals: The Proposal
Finals: The Wedding

Quarterfinals: How They Met

Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. Carry Galnar and Gustav “Gus” Evler (6)

Imirowicz and Heath are a gay, biracial couple with two kids and a two-page online spread on their recent DC marriage. Does it even matter how they met? Unfortunately, it does, and the fact that they met on an “AOL dating site” doesn’t bode well for them. Galnar and Evler met in Princeton, NJ—but wait: while the bridegroom was supping in dinner clubs and waxing poetic in ivy-lined halls, the bridegroom was attending Westminster Choir College. Heard of it? Neither have we.

Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)

Jennifer Heyman and Jared Okan (2) vs. Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)

The Heyman-Okan team met in Hebrew school, and Wolf caught Beller’s eye at a dinner party. Wow. Can you get any more normal? This round’s headed into overtime, and the tie-breaker? Pick-up line. Beller offered Wolf unnecessarily cutlery, while Okan said, “We should date” (and then the script said to which Heyman replied, “Let’s give it a shot").
Winner: Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)

Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3) vs. Jessika Twodder and Phillip Sedoze (4)

Skipoora and Skuttlerman met on Jdate and had their first date on Christmas day. Twodder and Sedoze met at a glorified frat party.
Winner: Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3)





Semifinals: The Proposal

Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. BYE

According to the article, they’d kind of already been married twice when they got gay married in DC (and the second time was on a “Rosie O'Donnell cruise for gay families”), so Imirowicz and Heath squeak by on a lucky bye.
Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)

Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3) vs. Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)

Skuttlerman proposed to Skipoora on an early-morning beach stroll in Costa Rica. He gets negative points for creativity, but luckily, his opponents also seem to have skipped the proposal (though the article tries to gloss over this by throwing random boring facts—like the fact that both are fourth-generations Washingtonians—in the “proposal” section). Which is too bad, because, despite the low seed, the Beller-Wolf team was becoming a crowd favorite.
Winner: Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3)

Finals: The Wedding

Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman

Skipoora and Skuttlermanbought their chuppah at Home Depot; Imirowicz and Heath, despite loosing points for taking their kids to Clydes post-nuptials, got married on the first day it was legal in DC at what sounds like the most afterlife-obsessed nondenominational church in DC: All Souls Unitarian Church.
Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)

Conclusion: Unlike their New York counterparts, Washingtonians are a lot more like you and me. They come from families that don’t have their own Wikipedia pages, they have actual jobs, and they don’t blow half their trust fund on nuptial floral arrangements. In other words, they’re more boring. It seems like we’ll have to leave the wedding pages to the New Yorkers, but don’t worry! We’ve still got… the White House?