A friend of ours (let’s call her Maggie) recently ran into a work crush at a bar.
They have a flirtatious history (and one semi-drunken makeout), but he was acting strange and distant at the bar. Maggie’s other friend had a solution. “He’s intimidated by you!” she said. “You need to approach him!”
This is something girls tell each other all the time. He’s not returning your texts? He’s intimidated! He hasn’t called about a second date? He’s afraid! He’s being weird at the bar? You’re too intimidating!
But these same girls get annoyed when the short, questionably underage GW frat boy comes up to them at bars and acts like he’s way out of their league. They think, “Can you believe he thinks he can get with me?"
Yes. We can. Because when it comes to (the opposite) sex, if it’s one thing most guys aren’t, it’s easily intimidated.
And when they are intimidated, they’re really good at hiding it.
Maybe it’s spray-painted on the showers in every boys locker room, but for whatever, reason, guys seem to learn pretty early on that the best way to get a girl is to act like you’re out of her league.
Guys know how to fake a cocky persona, and if they aren’t talking to you, it’s probably because they don’t want to. Not because they’re intimidated.
Case in point: we later learned that Maggie’s crush had pulled an all-nighter at work that week. He was really tired and ending up going home at 11:30.
He wasn’t necessarily ignoring her because he wasn’t interested, but it wasn’t because he couldn’t muster up the courage.
We’re all much more active in our pursuits of things we aren’t sure we can get. That’s why we spend hours preparing for interviews for our dream jobs and ten minutes browsing the Web site of the NoVa company that’s hiring interns. And that’s why you go to the happy hour for your cute coworker who might have been flirting with you in the lunchroom, but wish the guy who wrote you a love poem on Missed Connections would just get the hint and stop calling already!
When a girl thinks a guy is intimidated, her first instinct is usually to assure him that she’s a sure thing. But that destroys your game, and usually your chances with him.
So the next time a guy ignores you, ignore him back. It’ll get you a lot farther than confessing your love for him.
Showing posts with label dc. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dc. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Anatomy of a One-Night Stand
The other day, a guy friend of ours asked us to help him “slay” a girl he described as “really annoying, but she kind of has big boobs.”
We, of course, refused, but we asked him why he was so interested in this particular girl when he could probably find countless other women equally well endowed with (at least marginally) less abrasive personalities.
No, no, he explained, her annoyingness was the allure; the boobs were just an added bonus.
We loosened him up with a round of drinks and got him to elaborate, and we happened upon some pretty misogynistic sexual desires. Our friend prefers to have one-night stands with women he can’t stand for a litany of reasons, mainly because 1) he gets a Gob Bluth-esque satisfaction out of saying, “I f*cked that,” 2) he feels sexually liberated—he can try whatever he wants with her because he never liked/respected her to begin with, and 3) he never has to feel guilty about blowing her off because he dislikes her anyway.
We were about to get judgmental, but then we realized that few people have the purest intentions when it comes to one-night stands.
One-night stands rarely translate into great sex. Everyone has different sexual idiosyncrasies, which means sex with a new person often starts out awkwardly—especially for women, who often have a harder time orgasming to begin with.
So if we’re not doing it for pleasure, why are we doing it?
Women often receive validation from feeling sexually desired—if a guy wants to bone them, they feel better about themselves. Some women also seek men with money, power, and popularity for sexual flings because they like being able to tell their friends that they “f*cked that.”
None of this is unhealthy, per se, but it is good to think about. We’re not saying you should evaluate your motivations when it’s last call at Heaven and Hell and you’re ovulating, but it’s not a bad idea to think about why you have one-night stands in general.
If you are doing it for validation and self-worth, it might be a good idea to seek these things elsewhere.
The fact of the matter is, sex doesn’t make you more beautiful or powerful or popular. Sex is supposed to provide sexual pleasure (and, technically, babies), and the more you get off, the easier it is to feel sexually satisfied at the end.
But the more you try and make sex into something else (i.e., a self-esteem boost), the more you lose the ability to enjoy the pleasurable physical sensations.
If you have the wrong attitude, one-night stands can leave you feeling frustrated and wanting something more. You went into it wanting to feel better about yourself, and you’re left feeling hot and bothered with no orgasm to speak of.
We, of course, refused, but we asked him why he was so interested in this particular girl when he could probably find countless other women equally well endowed with (at least marginally) less abrasive personalities.
No, no, he explained, her annoyingness was the allure; the boobs were just an added bonus.
We loosened him up with a round of drinks and got him to elaborate, and we happened upon some pretty misogynistic sexual desires. Our friend prefers to have one-night stands with women he can’t stand for a litany of reasons, mainly because 1) he gets a Gob Bluth-esque satisfaction out of saying, “I f*cked that,” 2) he feels sexually liberated—he can try whatever he wants with her because he never liked/respected her to begin with, and 3) he never has to feel guilty about blowing her off because he dislikes her anyway.
We were about to get judgmental, but then we realized that few people have the purest intentions when it comes to one-night stands.
One-night stands rarely translate into great sex. Everyone has different sexual idiosyncrasies, which means sex with a new person often starts out awkwardly—especially for women, who often have a harder time orgasming to begin with.
So if we’re not doing it for pleasure, why are we doing it?
Women often receive validation from feeling sexually desired—if a guy wants to bone them, they feel better about themselves. Some women also seek men with money, power, and popularity for sexual flings because they like being able to tell their friends that they “f*cked that.”
None of this is unhealthy, per se, but it is good to think about. We’re not saying you should evaluate your motivations when it’s last call at Heaven and Hell and you’re ovulating, but it’s not a bad idea to think about why you have one-night stands in general.
If you are doing it for validation and self-worth, it might be a good idea to seek these things elsewhere.
The fact of the matter is, sex doesn’t make you more beautiful or powerful or popular. Sex is supposed to provide sexual pleasure (and, technically, babies), and the more you get off, the easier it is to feel sexually satisfied at the end.
But the more you try and make sex into something else (i.e., a self-esteem boost), the more you lose the ability to enjoy the pleasurable physical sensations.
If you have the wrong attitude, one-night stands can leave you feeling frustrated and wanting something more. You went into it wanting to feel better about yourself, and you’re left feeling hot and bothered with no orgasm to speak of.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Missed Connections
Missed Connections usually have one of two leads: “This is a long shot…” or “I’ve never done this before…”
Then the poster describes what the person in question was wearing, but leaves one critical detail out. He/she ends with “Tell me what color hat I was wearing so I know it’s you.”
It’s sort of the 21st-century equivalent of, “Meet me here. I’ll be wearing a yellow scarf and I’ll have my left hand in my pocket.”
This type of personal ad is nothing new: newspapers attracted hopeless romantics for years with entire sections of coded love letters. (“SWM seeks SWF…”)
Online dating seems to have taken the place personal ads, and probably for good reason. A match.com profile tells you a lot more than a 20-word half sentence, and photos somehow seem a lot more reassuring than a phone number.
But even online dating skeptics read Missed Connections religiously in a move that, when you really think about it, is more old-fashioned than anything else.
The idea seems to be that someone could spot you in a crowded bar and instantly know that you’re “The One.”This is, perhaps, the definition of a hopeless romantic.
Because when you think about it, a guy posting on Missed Connection probably remembers three things about you: your hair color, the size of your boobs, and what your ass looks like in a pair of tight jeans.
The guy on match.com, on the other hand, at least has the optionof looking at your interests and deciding whether or not you two would be compatible.
So, really, the guys posting on Missed Connections are looking for an opening line with a really hot girl who’d never give them the time of day if they approached her in a bar.
It’s rude and creepy to approach a woman and say, “You’re so hot.”
But when you go to Missed Connections and say, “Saw you on the Metro. You were so beautiful. Let’s get dinner?”, suddenly it’s romantic.
Anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that these postings rarely lead to relationships.
Though it is interesting to note that the most vague postings get the most replies in post form (we obviously have no way of tracking which posts get the most e-mail replies).
There’s a pretty obvious explanation for this: everyone who’s reading Missed Connections wants to find a post about themselves.
But if a guy posts, “You’re a brunette. I smiled at you on the blue line this morning,” isn’t that a little suspect? That he felt such a huge connection with this girl, but he can only remember her hair color?
And so, while we get that present company/circumstances/manners sometimes prevent people from making a move, it’s unclear how much a missed connection written by someone who saw you cross the street should count.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Vajazzling
Take it from Jennifer Love Hewitt: vajazzling is great!
According to Ms. Love Hewitt, covering your vagina in Swarovski crystals is not only a great use of money, it also makes your lady parts “shine like a disco ball,” and it might even give you that boost of confidence that some women get by taking off their panties.
Don’t worry about whether or not it’s safe/a good idea to glue crystals to your vagina, or that it costs around $100 and only lasts for 5 days. Instead, focus on the positives—like the fact that you can get vajazzled for 50 bucks during spa week!
It’s unclear why women don’t consider this some kind of cruel and unusual punishment, and it’s even more unclear why they actually pay money for it. If you’ve ever had sex, you’d immediately realize how impractical it’d be to have jewels down there mid-coitus.
Here’s the interview, if you’re interested.
According to Ms. Love Hewitt, covering your vagina in Swarovski crystals is not only a great use of money, it also makes your lady parts “shine like a disco ball,” and it might even give you that boost of confidence that some women get by taking off their panties.
Don’t worry about whether or not it’s safe/a good idea to glue crystals to your vagina, or that it costs around $100 and only lasts for 5 days. Instead, focus on the positives—like the fact that you can get vajazzled for 50 bucks during spa week!
It’s unclear why women don’t consider this some kind of cruel and unusual punishment, and it’s even more unclear why they actually pay money for it. If you’ve ever had sex, you’d immediately realize how impractical it’d be to have jewels down there mid-coitus.
Here’s the interview, if you’re interested.
Monday, April 5, 2010
Scoring Sunday's Nuptials: DC Edition
If you’re a girl and you’re bored at work on Mondays, chances are, you scan the NYTime’s Wedding Section and make fun of the profiled blushing brides.
And if you identify with all of the above and also hold a liberal arts degree (e.g., pottery making, beading, English), you’re probably already very familiar with Gawker’s Nuptial Roundup. But for the rest of us, Gawker writers/editors basically do the same Monday morning wedding planning that you do, only better (but if you were getting paid to do it, you’d probably be just as snarky).
This week, Gawker pitted couples against couples in an NCAA-style bracket, jealousy(but actually probably closer to self-loathing)-induced hilarity ensued.
We thought: if they can do it in New York, we can do it in DC. But turns out we were wrong. Very wrong.
To start, the Post only publishes three weddings a week, so we had to include the past two weeks to come up with an interesting bracket. Then we followed Gawker’s lead and ranked them by column length.
Quarterfinals: How They Met
Semifinals: The Proposal
Finals: The Wedding
Quarterfinals: How They Met
Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. Carry Galnar and Gustav “Gus” Evler (6)
Imirowicz and Heath are a gay, biracial couple with two kids and a two-page online spread on their recent DC marriage. Does it even matter how they met? Unfortunately, it does, and the fact that they met on an “AOL dating site” doesn’t bode well for them. Galnar and Evler met in Princeton, NJ—but wait: while the bridegroom was supping in dinner clubs and waxing poetic in ivy-lined halls, the bridegroom was attending Westminster Choir College. Heard of it? Neither have we.
Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)
Jennifer Heyman and Jared Okan (2) vs. Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)
The Heyman-Okan team met in Hebrew school, and Wolf caught Beller’s eye at a dinner party. Wow. Can you get any more normal? This round’s headed into overtime, and the tie-breaker? Pick-up line. Beller offered Wolf unnecessarily cutlery, while Okan said, “We should date” (and then the script said to which Heyman replied, “Let’s give it a shot").
Winner: Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)
Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3) vs. Jessika Twodder and Phillip Sedoze (4)
Skipoora and Skuttlerman met on Jdate and had their first date on Christmas day. Twodder and Sedoze met at a glorified frat party.
Winner: Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3)
Semifinals: The Proposal
Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. BYE
According to the article, they’d kind of already been married twice when they got gay married in DC (and the second time was on a “Rosie O'Donnell cruise for gay families”), so Imirowicz and Heath squeak by on a lucky bye.
Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)
Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3) vs. Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)
Skuttlerman proposed to Skipoora on an early-morning beach stroll in Costa Rica. He gets negative points for creativity, but luckily, his opponents also seem to have skipped the proposal (though the article tries to gloss over this by throwing random boring facts—like the fact that both are fourth-generations Washingtonians—in the “proposal” section). Which is too bad, because, despite the low seed, the Beller-Wolf team was becoming a crowd favorite.
Winner: Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3)
Finals: The Wedding
Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman
Skipoora and Skuttlermanbought their chuppah at Home Depot; Imirowicz and Heath, despite loosing points for taking their kids to Clydes post-nuptials, got married on the first day it was legal in DC at what sounds like the most afterlife-obsessed nondenominational church in DC: All Souls Unitarian Church.
Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)
Conclusion: Unlike their New York counterparts, Washingtonians are a lot more like you and me. They come from families that don’t have their own Wikipedia pages, they have actual jobs, and they don’t blow half their trust fund on nuptial floral arrangements. In other words, they’re more boring. It seems like we’ll have to leave the wedding pages to the New Yorkers, but don’t worry! We’ve still got… the White House?
And if you identify with all of the above and also hold a liberal arts degree (e.g., pottery making, beading, English), you’re probably already very familiar with Gawker’s Nuptial Roundup. But for the rest of us, Gawker writers/editors basically do the same Monday morning wedding planning that you do, only better (but if you were getting paid to do it, you’d probably be just as snarky).
This week, Gawker pitted couples against couples in an NCAA-style bracket, jealousy(but actually probably closer to self-loathing)-induced hilarity ensued.
We thought: if they can do it in New York, we can do it in DC. But turns out we were wrong. Very wrong.
To start, the Post only publishes three weddings a week, so we had to include the past two weeks to come up with an interesting bracket. Then we followed Gawker’s lead and ranked them by column length.
Quarterfinals: How They Met
Semifinals: The Proposal
Finals: The Wedding
Quarterfinals: How They Met
Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)
Jennifer Heyman and Jared Okan (2) vs. Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)
Winner: Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)
Winner: Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3)
Semifinals: The Proposal
Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. BYE
According to the article, they’d kind of already been married twice when they got gay married in DC (and the second time was on a “Rosie O'Donnell cruise for gay families”), so Imirowicz and Heath squeak by on a lucky bye.
Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)
Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3) vs. Jim Beller and Chris Wolf (5)
Skuttlerman proposed to Skipoora on an early-morning beach stroll in Costa Rica. He gets negative points for creativity, but luckily, his opponents also seem to have skipped the proposal (though the article tries to gloss over this by throwing random boring facts—like the fact that both are fourth-generations Washingtonians—in the “proposal” section). Which is too bad, because, despite the low seed, the Beller-Wolf team was becoming a crowd favorite.
Winner: Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman (3)
Finals: The Wedding
Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1) vs. Adrienne Skipoora and Alex Skuttlerman
Skipoora and Skuttlermanbought their chuppah at Home Depot; Imirowicz and Heath, despite loosing points for taking their kids to Clydes post-nuptials, got married on the first day it was legal in DC at what sounds like the most afterlife-obsessed nondenominational church in DC: All Souls Unitarian Church.
Winner: Richard Imirowicz and Terrance Heath (1)
Conclusion: Unlike their New York counterparts, Washingtonians are a lot more like you and me. They come from families that don’t have their own Wikipedia pages, they have actual jobs, and they don’t blow half their trust fund on nuptial floral arrangements. In other words, they’re more boring. It seems like we’ll have to leave the wedding pages to the New Yorkers, but don’t worry! We’ve still got… the White House?
Friday, April 2, 2010
Survey the District: Is It a Date?
Dear Date the District,
A friend and of a friend and I have recently become chatty after a chance meeting at a party. When I say chatty, I mean that we are mutually snarky and give one another a hefty helping of shit talk on what has become a somewhat nightly basis. In one of our "serious" lulls he mentioned his internship in DC this summer and I had mentioned that I would be there in July tagging along on a business trip of my aunts to do some sightseeing and he suggested that 'if I get tired of hanging out with my aunt that we should meet up." I more or less said okay, and since then I have wondered what this potential meeting is--is this a date? I'd still call him an acquaintance since we've only met the once, but it does seem peculiar for an acquaintance to go out of his way to chat with you and to invite you out if there weren't some sort of interest? [I maintain that men NEVER knowingly pursue platonic relationships.] He's a total catch so if he is interested I'm delighted but my recent run ins with the opposite sex have left me unenthusiastically suspicious at best.
The problem with cop-out invites that leave the ball in your court is: you rarely find out if it’s a date until after it’s over. If he goes out of his way to meet up with you that week (i.e., calls you, makes plans, takes you out to dinner) and then kisses you at the end of the night, it was probably a date. If he suggests meeting up at the Smithsonian and then tells you he’s meeting up with friends for dinner, it might not have been.
It’s probably not worth spending too much time trying to decipher his intentions. Chances are, he’s still trying to test the waters, and if you ask him out-right, it might do more harm than good.
When you start trying to put labels on things and name every interaction (e.g., his asking me to coffee = date, his asking to borrow my notes = flirting), it drives you crazy, and if the guy finds out, it makes you look neurotic—not exactly a turn-on.
We've said it a million times: the best guy to win a guy over is to make him work for your affection and to treat him like a friend until he asks you out.
Plenty of guys pursue platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex. Sure: some guys put bros before hos and see girls as walking vaginas, but the vast majority don’t. In fact, we would argue that guys are sometimes better at pursing platonic friendships with girls because they’re not socially conditioned to see every member of the opposite sex as a potential soul mate.
Girls watch chick flicks and Gossip Girl and see girl and guy friends fall in love with each other at the wrong times and spend the entire movie/hour working towards the climactic finish: a marriage, a make-out, etc.
But guys are sometimes better at separating sex from friendship. If they have a girl (space) friend, they’ll still pursue sex—and they often pursue it in other venues.
Girls sometimes see guy friends as potential romantic partners that they already have an in with—not necessarily our fault if we grew up on Julia Roberts movies.
If a guy wants to date a specific girl, her pursue her romantically from day one. If a girl wants to date a specific guy, she’ll often pursue friendship first—not a bad option, given the difficulties of expressing interest without coming on too strong. But that means that girls, not guys, are more likely to have ulterior motives in platonic relationships.
Girls might see guys as unable to pursue strictly platonic relationship because these girls are unable to do just that and they assume that it works the same way on the other side.
This isn’t to say that guys don’t fall for their girl (space) friends. But the best way to win them over is, as always, showing them how cool you are and sprinkling in a dash of unavailability. In other words, treat him like a platonic friend.
So if summer rolls around and he doesn’t make any concrete plans with you, by all means, send him a text and ask him if he wants to hang out. But make plans like you would with a girl (space) friend: no romantic walks around the monuments at sunset, etc. Try to do something during the day. Avoid physical contact. And limit your interaction to only a few hours. If you’re meeting up at 2, tell him you have somewhere to be at 4. That leaves him no time to get sick of you and plenty of time for him to miss you.
Be patient, but until he specifically asks you out on an unambiguous date, it’s best to assume that it’s not.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
What to Wear
Nothing adds to the stress of a first date like the pressure to pick out the perfect outfit.
And when your roommate’s out of town, who’s going to help you comb through your closet without inducing a nervous breakdown?
You might remember last year’s advice on what to wear on a first date .The author just launched his own fashion blog http://withasartorialmind.tumblr.com/, and even those of us who’ve sworn off shopping until we get a raise can learn a thing or two.
With a Sartorial Mind has tips on building your wardrobe, which isn’t necessarily our favorite hobby, but it does kind of make sense.
Think about this: how many times have you freaked out the night before a date and rushed to Forever 21 to buy a dress, and the minute you take the tags off you realize you’ve made a terrible mistake?
A recent post discusses the virtue of saving up for a killer pair of heels that you can keep for five years. Because we all know, for every one great pair of shoes you find at DSW, five more get banished to the bottom of your closet because you can’t walk in them without falling over.
There’s a whole smorgasbord of info, including recipes, and while this blog is still in its infancy, we definitely recommend that you check it out.
And when your roommate’s out of town, who’s going to help you comb through your closet without inducing a nervous breakdown?
You might remember last year’s advice on what to wear on a first date .The author just launched his own fashion blog http://withasartorialmind.tumblr.com/, and even those of us who’ve sworn off shopping until we get a raise can learn a thing or two.
With a Sartorial Mind has tips on building your wardrobe, which isn’t necessarily our favorite hobby, but it does kind of make sense.
Think about this: how many times have you freaked out the night before a date and rushed to Forever 21 to buy a dress, and the minute you take the tags off you realize you’ve made a terrible mistake?
A recent post discusses the virtue of saving up for a killer pair of heels that you can keep for five years. Because we all know, for every one great pair of shoes you find at DSW, five more get banished to the bottom of your closet because you can’t walk in them without falling over.
There’s a whole smorgasbord of info, including recipes, and while this blog is still in its infancy, we definitely recommend that you check it out.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Should I Come Bearing Gifts?
Dear Date the District,
I’m seeing this guy, and he wants me to meet his mom. We’re going out to dinner next week, and his younger brother is coming along. In the past, I’ve always met the bf’s parents at their houses, and I’ll bring wine or dessert or something. Should I bring anything to the restaurant? And, if so, what should I bring for the brother?
If you’re eating a meal at someone else’s house, you should always bring a gift—regardless of whether or not you’re sleeping with someone at the table.
But these gifts should be more edible and less specific, like the bottle of wine/dessert. If you show up with gifts for Mom and Little Joey, and, unbeknownst to you (and possibly even the bf), Grandma decides to come along, you won’t have anything to give her (which will just make your situation worse).
But when you’re going to a restaurant, you can’t really bring a hostess gift (unless it’s BYOB, which we kind of doubt will be the case for you).
Yes, it makes you feel less awkward when you can show up and hand the person you’re trying to impress a trinket of your affection. And it certainly makes for a favorable first impression.
But you can’t really bring a neutral, please-like-me present to a restaurant, and the family certainly won’t be expecting one.
In fact, a gift might make you look like too much of a kiss-ass, and no one wants to feel like her approval can be bought.
Our advice? Show up empty-handed, and let your personality win them over. When you ask people questions about themselves and really listen to what they say/follow up with more questions, they’ll be just as charmed as they would be if you showed up with a $30 bottle of wine.
I’m seeing this guy, and he wants me to meet his mom. We’re going out to dinner next week, and his younger brother is coming along. In the past, I’ve always met the bf’s parents at their houses, and I’ll bring wine or dessert or something. Should I bring anything to the restaurant? And, if so, what should I bring for the brother?
If you’re eating a meal at someone else’s house, you should always bring a gift—regardless of whether or not you’re sleeping with someone at the table.
But these gifts should be more edible and less specific, like the bottle of wine/dessert. If you show up with gifts for Mom and Little Joey, and, unbeknownst to you (and possibly even the bf), Grandma decides to come along, you won’t have anything to give her (which will just make your situation worse).
But when you’re going to a restaurant, you can’t really bring a hostess gift (unless it’s BYOB, which we kind of doubt will be the case for you).
Yes, it makes you feel less awkward when you can show up and hand the person you’re trying to impress a trinket of your affection. And it certainly makes for a favorable first impression.
But you can’t really bring a neutral, please-like-me present to a restaurant, and the family certainly won’t be expecting one.
In fact, a gift might make you look like too much of a kiss-ass, and no one wants to feel like her approval can be bought.
Our advice? Show up empty-handed, and let your personality win them over. When you ask people questions about themselves and really listen to what they say/follow up with more questions, they’ll be just as charmed as they would be if you showed up with a $30 bottle of wine.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Why Finding "The One" Isn't Easy
When women look for relationships, they sometimes expect certain parts to come easily.
No one would sit around and wait for his/her dream job to come around. No one would say, “with the right career, I won’t have to work for it. I’ll just sit back and it’ll come to me.”
Instead, we go to grad school and take less-than-glamorous jobs and work our asses off to move up one (tiny) step on the ladder.
Yet most of us would say that finding a life partner is just as important as a good career, if not more so. So why, then, do we go out and ruthlessly pursue the latter but refuse to put any work in to finding the former?
Most of us wouldn’t think twice about looking for a job online. And if our friend said, “Yeah, I’m not gonna use Monster, because, I dunno, it’s not really as authentic—like, our parents used to look at the Help Wanted ads and mail in their applications. I think it should go back to being like that,” we’d tell her she was crazy.
But when our friends are opposed to online dating and events targeted at meeting guys, we see their points. (This isn’t to say that all dating sites and networking events are worth trying, but a lot of people seem morally opposed to even dabbling in these resources.)
It may seem unfair to compare “love” to a job search, but isn’t that what it’s really like? It’s about finding someone who both possess the qualities you’re looking for in a partner and finds traits in you that he wants in a girlfriend. You’re looking for a “good fit,” the same way you look for the best job that you’re qualified for.
(Not to mention the fact that an abstract idea about love is a lot less important than things like compatibility and similar values, but that’s a topic for another post.)
Of course, many of us grew up hearing stories about our parents, or grandparents, or friends of grandparents, who met when they weren’t looking for love and wound up being soulmates.
It makes for a great story, but it also makes us wonder. Back in the 30s, 40s, 50s, when most of these matches presumably took place, women depended on men for economic support the same way women today need a job to pay their rent.
At the same time, various world wars decimated the male populations in Europe (and, to some extent, the U.S.). So these women needed husbands to survive, and, at the same time, they faced stiff competition for eligible bachelors. And we’re expected to believe that the ones who found husbands sat around waiting for it to happen?
We’ve tested this theory before. We probed our grandparents on specific details of their courtship, and (without airing any specific family laundry) while one set did seem to just fall in love, one of our grandmothers very actively pursued our grandfather, but she leaves out most of those details when she retells the story.
Perhaps that’s because women were expected to be ladylike and wait to be pursued by potential suitors. And even though it’s been decades, our mothers (and grandmothers) still want to project these images when they tell their stories.
This isn’t to say that women should go after men the way they go after Tory Burch flats at a Bloomingdales sale. But when we tell ourselves that, with the right guy, everything will be easy and we won’t have to work, we’re probably doing more harm than good.
So if you are really looking to meet someone, and you aren’t have much luck at The Front Page, why not try kickball or OKcupid? If you do end up meeting your future spouse, you can take a page from our grandparents’ book and tell an alternate version of the truth when someone asks how you met.
No one would sit around and wait for his/her dream job to come around. No one would say, “with the right career, I won’t have to work for it. I’ll just sit back and it’ll come to me.”
Instead, we go to grad school and take less-than-glamorous jobs and work our asses off to move up one (tiny) step on the ladder.
Yet most of us would say that finding a life partner is just as important as a good career, if not more so. So why, then, do we go out and ruthlessly pursue the latter but refuse to put any work in to finding the former?
Most of us wouldn’t think twice about looking for a job online. And if our friend said, “Yeah, I’m not gonna use Monster, because, I dunno, it’s not really as authentic—like, our parents used to look at the Help Wanted ads and mail in their applications. I think it should go back to being like that,” we’d tell her she was crazy.
But when our friends are opposed to online dating and events targeted at meeting guys, we see their points. (This isn’t to say that all dating sites and networking events are worth trying, but a lot of people seem morally opposed to even dabbling in these resources.)
It may seem unfair to compare “love” to a job search, but isn’t that what it’s really like? It’s about finding someone who both possess the qualities you’re looking for in a partner and finds traits in you that he wants in a girlfriend. You’re looking for a “good fit,” the same way you look for the best job that you’re qualified for.
(Not to mention the fact that an abstract idea about love is a lot less important than things like compatibility and similar values, but that’s a topic for another post.)
Of course, many of us grew up hearing stories about our parents, or grandparents, or friends of grandparents, who met when they weren’t looking for love and wound up being soulmates.
It makes for a great story, but it also makes us wonder. Back in the 30s, 40s, 50s, when most of these matches presumably took place, women depended on men for economic support the same way women today need a job to pay their rent.
At the same time, various world wars decimated the male populations in Europe (and, to some extent, the U.S.). So these women needed husbands to survive, and, at the same time, they faced stiff competition for eligible bachelors. And we’re expected to believe that the ones who found husbands sat around waiting for it to happen?
We’ve tested this theory before. We probed our grandparents on specific details of their courtship, and (without airing any specific family laundry) while one set did seem to just fall in love, one of our grandmothers very actively pursued our grandfather, but she leaves out most of those details when she retells the story.
Perhaps that’s because women were expected to be ladylike and wait to be pursued by potential suitors. And even though it’s been decades, our mothers (and grandmothers) still want to project these images when they tell their stories.
This isn’t to say that women should go after men the way they go after Tory Burch flats at a Bloomingdales sale. But when we tell ourselves that, with the right guy, everything will be easy and we won’t have to work, we’re probably doing more harm than good.
So if you are really looking to meet someone, and you aren’t have much luck at The Front Page, why not try kickball or OKcupid? If you do end up meeting your future spouse, you can take a page from our grandparents’ book and tell an alternate version of the truth when someone asks how you met.
Monday, March 8, 2010
When You're Just Not That Into Him
Most of the time, when you start seeing someone, it doesn’t work out.
It’s the depressing fact of dating that keeps Ben & Jerry’s in business. But what if you’re the one who’s making the decision to terminate, and it’s only been a few dates?
We usually advocate giving someone more than one chance to get it right. But sometimes you can see the writing on the wall on the second date, like when he asks for your SAT scores over dinner.
If you’re never going to see this guy again, you might be tempted to just drop off the face of the earth. You figure you could stop responding to his texts and never return his phone calls, and you won’t have to worry about running into him at your best friend’s birthday dinner.
We’ll get back to that in a second, but what if there’s a good chance that you will run into this guy in social settings?
You could still go the ignore route and hope that he gets the hint. And the next time you see him in a bar, you can spend the whole night talking about how awkward it is, and you’ll have good gchat material for a solid week (“Ohmygod, I ran into Brian at Whitlows on Thursday and it was soooooooooo awk!”).
Or you could just level with him. Think about all the guys who’ve blown you off in the past. It’s a really shitty feeling, and it always leaves you wanting an explanation of what went wrong.
We’re not saying you should tell this guy why you don’t want to be with him. But it is nice to give him a heads up that you’re not interested.
You don’t need to tell him to his face. You don’t need to call him and pour your heart out. And you also don’t need to jump the gun—if he drops you off at your place after the third date and you never hear from him again, there’s no need to tell him that you weren’t feeling it either.
But if he does seem like he wants to pursue the relationship (i.e., he asks you out again), you could send him a text that says something like, “I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out with you, but I’m not sure I can get into something right now.” If it feels right, throw in something about friendship. If it doesn’t, don’t.
He might get the message. Or he might ask to meet you in person to talk about it. Or he might get pissed and send you a scathing text message (“w/e i’m 2 hot 4 u neway”).
At this point, you don’t need to respond. Remember, you don’t owe this guy anything, and you’ve been courteous enough to tell him the truth.
If you run into him after that, you don’t have to feel guilty. You’ll probably still feel awkward, but at least you won’t have to have that, “I haven’t heard from you…” conversation.
Sending a text is not a big deal. It takes less than a minute and requires very little actual thought/effort. And so the question is, why not do it in the case of guy number one, who you’re pretty sure you’re not going to see again?
Part of being an adult is learning how to navigate awkward situations. You’re not so much doing this for the guys as you’re doing it for yourself.
If you learn how to firmly, but politely, reject someone, you’re the one who benefits. You’re more confident in your social abilities, and you don’t have to worry about not giving someone a chance because you’re worried about hurting his feelings if things don’t work out.
Bruised egos are par for the course in dating. But you feel like even more of a jackass when you realize that the person you’re pursing has been blowing you off for the past few weeks.
You can spend your 20s running from potentially awkward situations. But if you’re upfront and direct with a guy you’re not interested in, most of your tension and anxiety disappears.
If you don’t tell him, you’ll agonize over each invitation you need to invent an excuse to avoid. You’ll worry about what to say if you run into him. And you’ll waste time worrying about a situation that isn’t worth the anguish.
It’s the depressing fact of dating that keeps Ben & Jerry’s in business. But what if you’re the one who’s making the decision to terminate, and it’s only been a few dates?
We usually advocate giving someone more than one chance to get it right. But sometimes you can see the writing on the wall on the second date, like when he asks for your SAT scores over dinner.
If you’re never going to see this guy again, you might be tempted to just drop off the face of the earth. You figure you could stop responding to his texts and never return his phone calls, and you won’t have to worry about running into him at your best friend’s birthday dinner.
We’ll get back to that in a second, but what if there’s a good chance that you will run into this guy in social settings?
You could still go the ignore route and hope that he gets the hint. And the next time you see him in a bar, you can spend the whole night talking about how awkward it is, and you’ll have good gchat material for a solid week (“Ohmygod, I ran into Brian at Whitlows on Thursday and it was soooooooooo awk!”).
Or you could just level with him. Think about all the guys who’ve blown you off in the past. It’s a really shitty feeling, and it always leaves you wanting an explanation of what went wrong.
We’re not saying you should tell this guy why you don’t want to be with him. But it is nice to give him a heads up that you’re not interested.
You don’t need to tell him to his face. You don’t need to call him and pour your heart out. And you also don’t need to jump the gun—if he drops you off at your place after the third date and you never hear from him again, there’s no need to tell him that you weren’t feeling it either.
But if he does seem like he wants to pursue the relationship (i.e., he asks you out again), you could send him a text that says something like, “I’ve had a lot of fun hanging out with you, but I’m not sure I can get into something right now.” If it feels right, throw in something about friendship. If it doesn’t, don’t.
He might get the message. Or he might ask to meet you in person to talk about it. Or he might get pissed and send you a scathing text message (“w/e i’m 2 hot 4 u neway”).
At this point, you don’t need to respond. Remember, you don’t owe this guy anything, and you’ve been courteous enough to tell him the truth.
If you run into him after that, you don’t have to feel guilty. You’ll probably still feel awkward, but at least you won’t have to have that, “I haven’t heard from you…” conversation.
Sending a text is not a big deal. It takes less than a minute and requires very little actual thought/effort. And so the question is, why not do it in the case of guy number one, who you’re pretty sure you’re not going to see again?
Part of being an adult is learning how to navigate awkward situations. You’re not so much doing this for the guys as you’re doing it for yourself.
If you learn how to firmly, but politely, reject someone, you’re the one who benefits. You’re more confident in your social abilities, and you don’t have to worry about not giving someone a chance because you’re worried about hurting his feelings if things don’t work out.
Bruised egos are par for the course in dating. But you feel like even more of a jackass when you realize that the person you’re pursing has been blowing you off for the past few weeks.
You can spend your 20s running from potentially awkward situations. But if you’re upfront and direct with a guy you’re not interested in, most of your tension and anxiety disappears.
If you don’t tell him, you’ll agonize over each invitation you need to invent an excuse to avoid. You’ll worry about what to say if you run into him. And you’ll waste time worrying about a situation that isn’t worth the anguish.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Online Dating for Smarties
Summer Heights High taught us that students from private school are more likely to go to college and make lots of money, while nearly all wife beaters and rapists are public school educated.
So what do you do if you’re one of the lucky few to graduate from a fancy university with $150,000 in debt? You can’t date just anyone—especially someone who went to a state school.
Luckily, you have options. Why scrounge around on Match.com when anyone with an e-mail address can message you?
Instead, try intelligentpeople.com. It’s, “an online dating and networking community exclusively for intelligent people.” And no posers allowed—you have to pass an IQ test to join.
Here’s the first question on the IQ test:
Find the image missing in the frame
No, this isn’t a trick question. So, on second thought, this might not be a horrible idea, as we’re not sure we’d want to date anyone who couldn’t answer this question correctly.
Full disclosure: we flukned this mofo. Twice. It gets harder, we swear.
But if you’re looking for the full package (i.e., high IQ and an Ivy League education), two dating sites screen users by alma mater.
Goodgenes.com advertises itself as an “exclusive online introduction and dating service… to help Ivy Leaguers and similarly well-educated graduates and faculty find others with matching credentials.”
Acceptable institutions include, Harvard, Princeton, “Medical Schools,” “Law Schools,” and “Schools of Osteopathic Medicine.”
If all of this sounds too good to be true, wait till you see the sample profiles. One reads, “Hello, I am a 24 year old Italian male. I stand 5'9" tall and weigh 166 lbs. I work out 4 days a week and enjoy outdoor avtivities [sic]. I attend the Universtity [sic] of Medicine and Dentistry. Currently, I am a junior in the Dental program. I plan on graduating in May of 2001 where I plan on becoming an associate in an established practice.”
Joining is easy: simple fill out a paper application and mail (yes, mail) it in along with your check (this company doesn’t seem to have caught on to the whole electronic payment thing yet) and hard copy photos, which they scan in and add to your profile. Want to change your profile? It’s as easy as mailing in your revisions along with a check for $5.00. Because updating a profile requires a lot of manpower, it’s $5.00 each time you update your profile. Want to see another member’s profile? Mail in a check for $5.00. While match.com might not make you pay to look at profiles, goodgenes.com removes 99 percent of the population from your dating pool, so it’s definitely worth it.
The Right Stuff (rightstuffdating.com) has pretty much the same setup. You have to mail in a paper application, and you have to mail in $5.00 every time you want to make changes to your profile or look at another member’s page. But they have 4,900 members nationwide—which is almost the size of one graduating class at an elite universitiy! And while there may not be any members in your city, it sure beats trying to pick up jailbait at Georgetown house parties, right?
You might be wondering why these dating sites targeted at the nation’s elite look like they were designed by 5-year-olds and seem to have the technological capabilities of a Web site built in 1991. To that, we say: if you even have to ask those questions, you’re probably not smart enough to join.
So what do you do if you’re one of the lucky few to graduate from a fancy university with $150,000 in debt? You can’t date just anyone—especially someone who went to a state school.
Luckily, you have options. Why scrounge around on Match.com when anyone with an e-mail address can message you?
Instead, try intelligentpeople.com. It’s, “an online dating and networking community exclusively for intelligent people.” And no posers allowed—you have to pass an IQ test to join.
Here’s the first question on the IQ test:
Find the image missing in the frame
No, this isn’t a trick question. So, on second thought, this might not be a horrible idea, as we’re not sure we’d want to date anyone who couldn’t answer this question correctly.
Full disclosure: we flukned this mofo. Twice. It gets harder, we swear.
But if you’re looking for the full package (i.e., high IQ and an Ivy League education), two dating sites screen users by alma mater.
Goodgenes.com advertises itself as an “exclusive online introduction and dating service… to help Ivy Leaguers and similarly well-educated graduates and faculty find others with matching credentials.”
Acceptable institutions include, Harvard, Princeton, “Medical Schools,” “Law Schools,” and “Schools of Osteopathic Medicine.”
If all of this sounds too good to be true, wait till you see the sample profiles. One reads, “Hello, I am a 24 year old Italian male. I stand 5'9" tall and weigh 166 lbs. I work out 4 days a week and enjoy outdoor avtivities [sic]. I attend the Universtity [sic] of Medicine and Dentistry. Currently, I am a junior in the Dental program. I plan on graduating in May of 2001 where I plan on becoming an associate in an established practice.”
Joining is easy: simple fill out a paper application and mail (yes, mail) it in along with your check (this company doesn’t seem to have caught on to the whole electronic payment thing yet) and hard copy photos, which they scan in and add to your profile. Want to change your profile? It’s as easy as mailing in your revisions along with a check for $5.00. Because updating a profile requires a lot of manpower, it’s $5.00 each time you update your profile. Want to see another member’s profile? Mail in a check for $5.00. While match.com might not make you pay to look at profiles, goodgenes.com removes 99 percent of the population from your dating pool, so it’s definitely worth it.
The Right Stuff (rightstuffdating.com) has pretty much the same setup. You have to mail in a paper application, and you have to mail in $5.00 every time you want to make changes to your profile or look at another member’s page. But they have 4,900 members nationwide—which is almost the size of one graduating class at an elite universitiy! And while there may not be any members in your city, it sure beats trying to pick up jailbait at Georgetown house parties, right?
You might be wondering why these dating sites targeted at the nation’s elite look like they were designed by 5-year-olds and seem to have the technological capabilities of a Web site built in 1991. To that, we say: if you even have to ask those questions, you’re probably not smart enough to join.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
Valentine's Day Smorgasboard
The blogs are ablaze with stories of just how much Valentine’s Day sucks.
Because we’re not feeling particularly Grinchy today, we thought we’d let everyone else do the dirty work for us. So we’re going to post highlights throughout the day: some for the lovestruck, and others for the embittered.
Because we’re not feeling particularly Grinchy today, we thought we’d let everyone else do the dirty work for us. So we’re going to post highlights throughout the day: some for the lovestruck, and others for the embittered.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Favors
Yesterday, we talked about the complexities of exchanging gifts with a newly acquired BF.
But lavish presents aren’t the only pitfalls when you’re stuck in that gray area between dating and committed relationship.
There are plenty of other nonsexual favors that might seem like better ideas than they really are.
When you start dating a new guy, it’s natural to want to prove your worth. You want your guy to know that you can cook and clean, and if you keep bringing small presents over to his apartment, he’ll want to keep you around to keep the treats coming. Right?
Maybe not.
Favors are like anything else. If a guy’s not really working for them, he’s going to wonder why he’s getting them. And he’s probably going to conclude that you’re so desperate to date him, you’ll do anything to be with him.
But these things sometimes appear to be fairly innocuous.
Take, for example, our friend Julie.
Julie dated her boyfriend all through college. They broke up after graduation, but they now live in the same city. After a period of not talking, they became “friends,” and now Julie thinks they’re heading back towards rekindling their relationship.
But Julie’s also worried that there might be other girls in the picture. She’s particularly concerned about one Facebook wall-to-wall with a younger girl.
Julie wanted to send her ex a Valentine’s Day card, because she thought if she didn’t send him one and the other girl did, she’d have no chance of getting back together with him.
But if she sends him a Valentine’s Day card, she might as well make her Facebook status, “Robbie, will you take me back?”
If there’s one thing you never want to be, it’s a sure thing. And when you offer to clean his apartment and make him dinner, you might not think that’s the message you’re sending.
But think about it from a guy’s perspective. Guys, more than anyone, know how much cooking and cleaning sucks. While they might think it’s awesome that they’re getting a cook, maid, and sex slave for nothing, they’re not going to want to go out of their way to date you. If they’re getting all they want and you’re not even in a “real” relationship, why should they bother taking you out for Valentine’s Day?
And when you send your ex a Valentine’s Day card, you might think you’re sending a message you can’t afford for him to miss. After all, if his Facebook friend sends him a card and you don’t, he might think that she’s interested and you’re not. And he might ask her out instead of you.
Except he won’t. Guys aren’t looking to date girls who seem like sure things. They want to date the ones who seem out of their league, the ones who they’re not sure they can get. Yes, we’re starting to sound like a broken record, but it’s worth repeating.
If you go out of your way to do things for him and show him how much you care too soon, he might think “Hm, this is convenient,” but he’s not going to think, “Wow, I don’t know what I’d do without the fresh cookies and handmade cards and cleaning service—I better keep this one around.”
Guys don’t need an impeccably clean house. When they’re in college, the puke on the frat-house walls isn’t enough to make them move out, and when they settle into the 20-something routine, they rarely invest in vacuum cleaners.
If you want to impress him, act like you’re so cool and desirable that you don’t need to put on a housekeeper’s uniform to attract a boyfriend.
But lavish presents aren’t the only pitfalls when you’re stuck in that gray area between dating and committed relationship.
There are plenty of other nonsexual favors that might seem like better ideas than they really are.
When you start dating a new guy, it’s natural to want to prove your worth. You want your guy to know that you can cook and clean, and if you keep bringing small presents over to his apartment, he’ll want to keep you around to keep the treats coming. Right?
Maybe not.
Favors are like anything else. If a guy’s not really working for them, he’s going to wonder why he’s getting them. And he’s probably going to conclude that you’re so desperate to date him, you’ll do anything to be with him.
But these things sometimes appear to be fairly innocuous.
Take, for example, our friend Julie.
Julie dated her boyfriend all through college. They broke up after graduation, but they now live in the same city. After a period of not talking, they became “friends,” and now Julie thinks they’re heading back towards rekindling their relationship.
But Julie’s also worried that there might be other girls in the picture. She’s particularly concerned about one Facebook wall-to-wall with a younger girl.
Julie wanted to send her ex a Valentine’s Day card, because she thought if she didn’t send him one and the other girl did, she’d have no chance of getting back together with him.
But if she sends him a Valentine’s Day card, she might as well make her Facebook status, “Robbie, will you take me back?”
If there’s one thing you never want to be, it’s a sure thing. And when you offer to clean his apartment and make him dinner, you might not think that’s the message you’re sending.
But think about it from a guy’s perspective. Guys, more than anyone, know how much cooking and cleaning sucks. While they might think it’s awesome that they’re getting a cook, maid, and sex slave for nothing, they’re not going to want to go out of their way to date you. If they’re getting all they want and you’re not even in a “real” relationship, why should they bother taking you out for Valentine’s Day?
And when you send your ex a Valentine’s Day card, you might think you’re sending a message you can’t afford for him to miss. After all, if his Facebook friend sends him a card and you don’t, he might think that she’s interested and you’re not. And he might ask her out instead of you.
Except he won’t. Guys aren’t looking to date girls who seem like sure things. They want to date the ones who seem out of their league, the ones who they’re not sure they can get. Yes, we’re starting to sound like a broken record, but it’s worth repeating.
If you go out of your way to do things for him and show him how much you care too soon, he might think “Hm, this is convenient,” but he’s not going to think, “Wow, I don’t know what I’d do without the fresh cookies and handmade cards and cleaning service—I better keep this one around.”
Guys don’t need an impeccably clean house. When they’re in college, the puke on the frat-house walls isn’t enough to make them move out, and when they settle into the 20-something routine, they rarely invest in vacuum cleaners.
If you want to impress him, act like you’re so cool and desirable that you don’t need to put on a housekeeper’s uniform to attract a boyfriend.
Friday, February 5, 2010
Sex Tips for a Snowy Weekend
Well, DC readers, it looks like we’re all going to be snowed in this weekend. (And we’d like to take this opportunity to push our own picks for the snowstorm name: Snowbamanation and Snowfair—as in, it’s snowfair that it only snows on the weekend in DC.)
To make the boredom a little more bearable, we thought we’d give you some sex tips to help pass the time.
To get you off:
We’ve talked about this before, but clitoral stimulation is the most effective way to get off through intercourse.
But this is easier said than done, especially in the more vanilla sex positions (e.g., missionary, girl on top).
We already mentioned one position that stimulates your clit through penetration.
But if you’re more into guy-on-top, here’s another position you can try.
Let your guy get on top and get inside of you, then close your legs tightly. Have the guy move sideways so that his head’s to the left of yours and his feet are to the right of yours (or vice-versa). Your bodies should look like an X to a fly on the ceiling.
Then have the guy move forwards and backwards slowly, instead of the more traditional in-and-out motion. The key is to stimulate your clit, not to get as deep inside of you as he can. This one can take some time to adjust, but once you get it right, there’s a lot of clitoral contact.
To get him off:
Variety adds spice to any sex life, and the more unexpected and original you can make it, the better.
Getting naked and jumping in to bed is great, but it’s pretty standard, as far as sex goes.
To drive him wild, try imitating action in an unexpected locale—the living room, the kitchen, the basement. Don’t say, “I have a surprise for you waiting downstairs.” Instead, take him downstairs, and ask him to help you carry out the trash. Wait until you’re in the middle of something, and then grab him like you couldn’t control yourself. Don’t take off your clothes—instead, move them to the side, and only remove what’s absolutely necessary.
Another thing that seems to really get guys off: answering your phone during sex. It sounds weird, but try this:
The next time your phone rings, get on all fours and tell him you have to take it. But let him do you from behind while you’re talking. Don’t let the conversation go on for two long, but the naughty, subversive nature of your behavior will definitely turn him on.
Let us know how it goes at datethedistrict@gmail.com.
To make the boredom a little more bearable, we thought we’d give you some sex tips to help pass the time.
To get you off:
We’ve talked about this before, but clitoral stimulation is the most effective way to get off through intercourse.
But this is easier said than done, especially in the more vanilla sex positions (e.g., missionary, girl on top).
We already mentioned one position that stimulates your clit through penetration.
But if you’re more into guy-on-top, here’s another position you can try.
Let your guy get on top and get inside of you, then close your legs tightly. Have the guy move sideways so that his head’s to the left of yours and his feet are to the right of yours (or vice-versa). Your bodies should look like an X to a fly on the ceiling.
Then have the guy move forwards and backwards slowly, instead of the more traditional in-and-out motion. The key is to stimulate your clit, not to get as deep inside of you as he can. This one can take some time to adjust, but once you get it right, there’s a lot of clitoral contact.
To get him off:
Variety adds spice to any sex life, and the more unexpected and original you can make it, the better.
Getting naked and jumping in to bed is great, but it’s pretty standard, as far as sex goes.
To drive him wild, try imitating action in an unexpected locale—the living room, the kitchen, the basement. Don’t say, “I have a surprise for you waiting downstairs.” Instead, take him downstairs, and ask him to help you carry out the trash. Wait until you’re in the middle of something, and then grab him like you couldn’t control yourself. Don’t take off your clothes—instead, move them to the side, and only remove what’s absolutely necessary.
Another thing that seems to really get guys off: answering your phone during sex. It sounds weird, but try this:
The next time your phone rings, get on all fours and tell him you have to take it. But let him do you from behind while you’re talking. Don’t let the conversation go on for two long, but the naughty, subversive nature of your behavior will definitely turn him on.
Let us know how it goes at datethedistrict@gmail.com.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Gender Equality (Or Lack Thereof) in the Dating World
We spent most of last night in a heated debate about gender equality in the dating world.
In our opinion, it doesn’t exist. And here’s why:
From about the age of 0, girls start hearing the same message. They watch Disney movies, and later sit coms and chick flicks, they read “young adult” books, and later romance novels, and they all say the same thing: a woman’s goal in life should be to find the most handsome, charming, and desirable man she can, and the best way to snag him is to “fall in love” with him.
But it doesn’t work like that. If a guy thinks you’re in love with him before you’ve even gone on a first date, it’s going to scare him off.
Furthermore, these messages encourage women to base a lot of their own self-worth on their marital status and/or partner. Single? There must be something wrong with you! Do other girls think your boyfriend is kind of awkward and not that cute? They must think the same thing about you too!
Your love life (or lack thereof) becomes your primary focus. That’s not to say you can’t hold down a job or keep up some semblance of a personal life. But, when push comes to shove, this idea of “love” is the ultimate pursuit. Worth leaving your job for, worth transferring to a different city, worth putting everything on the line.
The truth is, life probably is easier and more enjoyable when you have a partner to share it with. But “love” does not a successful relationship make. Things like trust, mutual interests, and shared values will take you a lot further than lust that feels like something more.
And so our society sets women up to want a partner more than anything else, but doesn’t give them the tools to find one.
Guys, for whatever reason, seem to instinctively understand how to play games. They don’t return calls, they keep you guessing, and they seem less interested in couplehood to begin with.
Girls, on the other hand, watch a women on TV turn down Stanford to follow her crush to NYU and end up getting the guy after she confesses all this to him.
In the real world, this would be a major turnoff. But no one ever explains this to us.
So women are set up to want a partner more than (almost) anything else. But they’re also conditioned to behave in ways that would send most potential matches running in the opposite direction.
This doesn’t mean that women are doomed, but it does mean we have to work harder to overcome the urge to call him when he’s not responding.
And above all, it means women need to be more savvy about the dos and don’ts of dating. And it means we sometimes need to show each other the way—for example, by not encouraging our friends to drunk-text guys they want to date.
It’s not enough to tell yourself that things never work the way they do on TV and in the movies. You have to understand why they don’t work that way, and what does work in “real” life.
In our opinion, it doesn’t exist. And here’s why:
From about the age of 0, girls start hearing the same message. They watch Disney movies, and later sit coms and chick flicks, they read “young adult” books, and later romance novels, and they all say the same thing: a woman’s goal in life should be to find the most handsome, charming, and desirable man she can, and the best way to snag him is to “fall in love” with him.
But it doesn’t work like that. If a guy thinks you’re in love with him before you’ve even gone on a first date, it’s going to scare him off.
Furthermore, these messages encourage women to base a lot of their own self-worth on their marital status and/or partner. Single? There must be something wrong with you! Do other girls think your boyfriend is kind of awkward and not that cute? They must think the same thing about you too!
Your love life (or lack thereof) becomes your primary focus. That’s not to say you can’t hold down a job or keep up some semblance of a personal life. But, when push comes to shove, this idea of “love” is the ultimate pursuit. Worth leaving your job for, worth transferring to a different city, worth putting everything on the line.
The truth is, life probably is easier and more enjoyable when you have a partner to share it with. But “love” does not a successful relationship make. Things like trust, mutual interests, and shared values will take you a lot further than lust that feels like something more.
And so our society sets women up to want a partner more than anything else, but doesn’t give them the tools to find one.
Guys, for whatever reason, seem to instinctively understand how to play games. They don’t return calls, they keep you guessing, and they seem less interested in couplehood to begin with.
Girls, on the other hand, watch a women on TV turn down Stanford to follow her crush to NYU and end up getting the guy after she confesses all this to him.
In the real world, this would be a major turnoff. But no one ever explains this to us.
So women are set up to want a partner more than (almost) anything else. But they’re also conditioned to behave in ways that would send most potential matches running in the opposite direction.
This doesn’t mean that women are doomed, but it does mean we have to work harder to overcome the urge to call him when he’s not responding.
And above all, it means women need to be more savvy about the dos and don’ts of dating. And it means we sometimes need to show each other the way—for example, by not encouraging our friends to drunk-text guys they want to date.
It’s not enough to tell yourself that things never work the way they do on TV and in the movies. You have to understand why they don’t work that way, and what does work in “real” life.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Heart Pounding? Stomach Fluttering? It's Not a Sign That You're Meant to Be...
You know those fluttery-stomach, heart-pounding sensations you get when the cute guy from your office smiles at you?
We dismiss those feelings as silly and insignificant, but we spend an awful lot of time chasing them, sometimes without realizing it.
Ever go out on a date with a guy who seems great on paper (cute, smart, funny), but then stop returning his calls because you didn’t feel a “spark?” Did you ever stop to think about what that spark feels like?
Some people call it chemistry, others call it lust, but it always feels the same: the giddy, light-headed, can’t-stop-giggling mood boost that lasts long after the date ends.
As good as it feels, we have some bad news: that “feeling” isn’t real.
And so many girls will end relationships with perfectly awesome guys because they don’t feel “a connection.”
But let’s think about the guys who make you feel tingly all over: the guy from work who might have a girlfriend. The guy from your gym who always smiles at you. The guy who took you out on one date and now only calls you after 2 a.m.
What do all these guys have in common? None are a sure thing.
Most of them probably don’t want to date you. If they did, they probably wouldn’t seem so unavailable.
In short: you feel that “spark” when a guy plays hard to get. That might mean playing games (e.g., not returning texts) or legitimately trying to let you down easy (because he really does have a girlfriend).
But when a guy does return your calls, and when he does ask you out on real dates, your heart doesn’t pound. You feel like it’s a sure thing, and you lose the excitement and anticipation.
That’s not to say that some guys won’t be legitimately boring. And you’ll probably go on more than a few dates with guys you have nothing in common with.
But the spark isn’t a sign that you’re meant to be with someone. It’s just a sign that he’s coming off as unavailable.
If you understand that, you’ll be able to make more informed decisions.
That means if you’re going out with a guy who’s cute and nice and smart, give him a chance before you decide he’s not the one.
If he’s being nice to you, you won’t get that fluttery feeling. But you might get something even better: a stable, meaningful relationship.
We dismiss those feelings as silly and insignificant, but we spend an awful lot of time chasing them, sometimes without realizing it.
Ever go out on a date with a guy who seems great on paper (cute, smart, funny), but then stop returning his calls because you didn’t feel a “spark?” Did you ever stop to think about what that spark feels like?
Some people call it chemistry, others call it lust, but it always feels the same: the giddy, light-headed, can’t-stop-giggling mood boost that lasts long after the date ends.
As good as it feels, we have some bad news: that “feeling” isn’t real.
And so many girls will end relationships with perfectly awesome guys because they don’t feel “a connection.”
But let’s think about the guys who make you feel tingly all over: the guy from work who might have a girlfriend. The guy from your gym who always smiles at you. The guy who took you out on one date and now only calls you after 2 a.m.
What do all these guys have in common? None are a sure thing.
Most of them probably don’t want to date you. If they did, they probably wouldn’t seem so unavailable.
In short: you feel that “spark” when a guy plays hard to get. That might mean playing games (e.g., not returning texts) or legitimately trying to let you down easy (because he really does have a girlfriend).
But when a guy does return your calls, and when he does ask you out on real dates, your heart doesn’t pound. You feel like it’s a sure thing, and you lose the excitement and anticipation.
That’s not to say that some guys won’t be legitimately boring. And you’ll probably go on more than a few dates with guys you have nothing in common with.
But the spark isn’t a sign that you’re meant to be with someone. It’s just a sign that he’s coming off as unavailable.
If you understand that, you’ll be able to make more informed decisions.
That means if you’re going out with a guy who’s cute and nice and smart, give him a chance before you decide he’s not the one.
If he’s being nice to you, you won’t get that fluttery feeling. But you might get something even better: a stable, meaningful relationship.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
The Stripper Question
Recently, one of our friend’s moms got drunk and spilled some secrets about her wild and crazy youth in Canada.
We would be remiss if we didn’t share one of them with you, loyal readers.
Back in the day, this mom (we’ll call her Abby) was friends with a guy whose parents owned a bunch of strip clubs in Ontario. She’d never been to a strip club before (she was, we think, the only person in Canada at the time with this distinction), so her friend convinced her to visit one of his parent’s “business establishments” one night.
Abby noticed that 9 out of 10 girls were smokin’ hot. But the other 10 percent, were, well, cute, but not knockouts.
She asked her friend about this, and explained that those are the most important girls. Guys like to see hot women dance around buck naked, but they always see those women as completely unattainable.
The meh girls, however, seem more attainable, and, as a result, they’re a more attainable fantasy. Guys can fantasize about the girls who don’t seem like a perfect 10 because it’s easier for them to believe that these girls would actually want to have sex with them. They’ll throw much more money at these girls because the fantasy becomes so real to them, and they forget that strippers don’t go home with you at the end of the night.
We’re not saying you should all go out and get part-time jobs at The House.
But we do think “normal” women tend to be very intimidated by the few supermodels who walk among us. And while those girls probably do get the most attention, the guys who go after them are like the kids who apply to Harvard with a 1200 on their SATs. It’s worth a shot in the dark for such a big payoff, but you go into knowing it’s probably not going to happen.
Most guys are also beyond intimidated by the idea of sleeping with one of these Sports Illustrated pinups. One of our friends actually broke up with a girl because, “I felt like I was having sex with a porn star.” And while that may sound sexy at first, it quickly leads to performance anxiety and feelings of self-doubt.
You want to be an attainable fantasy. That doesn’t mean you should go out in sweatpants, but it does mean you shouldn’t wear a baggy t-shirt to happy hour because you’re worried people will notice that you lost your 3 p.m. battle with the vending machine.
We would be remiss if we didn’t share one of them with you, loyal readers.
Back in the day, this mom (we’ll call her Abby) was friends with a guy whose parents owned a bunch of strip clubs in Ontario. She’d never been to a strip club before (she was, we think, the only person in Canada at the time with this distinction), so her friend convinced her to visit one of his parent’s “business establishments” one night.
Abby noticed that 9 out of 10 girls were smokin’ hot. But the other 10 percent, were, well, cute, but not knockouts.
She asked her friend about this, and explained that those are the most important girls. Guys like to see hot women dance around buck naked, but they always see those women as completely unattainable.
The meh girls, however, seem more attainable, and, as a result, they’re a more attainable fantasy. Guys can fantasize about the girls who don’t seem like a perfect 10 because it’s easier for them to believe that these girls would actually want to have sex with them. They’ll throw much more money at these girls because the fantasy becomes so real to them, and they forget that strippers don’t go home with you at the end of the night.
We’re not saying you should all go out and get part-time jobs at The House.
But we do think “normal” women tend to be very intimidated by the few supermodels who walk among us. And while those girls probably do get the most attention, the guys who go after them are like the kids who apply to Harvard with a 1200 on their SATs. It’s worth a shot in the dark for such a big payoff, but you go into knowing it’s probably not going to happen.
Most guys are also beyond intimidated by the idea of sleeping with one of these Sports Illustrated pinups. One of our friends actually broke up with a girl because, “I felt like I was having sex with a porn star.” And while that may sound sexy at first, it quickly leads to performance anxiety and feelings of self-doubt.
You want to be an attainable fantasy. That doesn’t mean you should go out in sweatpants, but it does mean you shouldn’t wear a baggy t-shirt to happy hour because you’re worried people will notice that you lost your 3 p.m. battle with the vending machine.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Missed Connection of the Day: Dear cute asian woman I followed home from the metro - m4w - 28 (Silver Spring)
Dear cute asian woman I followed home from the metro,
I am sorry that I followed you all the way from the metro to (what I can only assume is) your apartment building. I am sorry if my presence put you on edge for the length of that long dark stretch of lonely road. At 6'4" and 270 pounds, I can understand why I might appear intimidating. Add in the fact that it was already night, and that I have a beard and a septum ring. Then count in that I was wearing my hood up, which covered most of my face, and really it does make sense to me that you checked over your shoulder no less than 4 times in the three blocks to see if I was still behind you, each time giving a clear look of "oh fuck!" and then trying to walk-run as fast as your heeled boots could carry you over the slushy sidewalk. I know, it was super creepy. Trust me. If I had been in your position, I would have been scared too.
I want you to know that I consider myself harmless. Milquetoast even! Please, let me explain!
That whole walk was so awkward... there I was, walking home from the grocery store with two bags of comfort food, quietly ruminating on Valentines Day ideas that aren't hackneyed or trite, tired after a long day of reading and writing in cafes all over town and suddenly, there was this very small woman in front of me. I tried to pass you but my shoes have literally NO grip. None. So that refreezing slush was difficult to navigate at all, let alone trying to walk fast enough to pass you, up and down each of those hills, with my backpack on and two bags of groceries in my hands. And my hood was up because it was so cold my ears were throbbing with pain! If I had known that you were going to literally the exact same building that was my destination, I would have done anything to avoid the palpable tension of you trying to run away from me and me trying to not fall or die. Oh, and the reason that I didn't have a key, and waited outside of the building while you got on the elevator, checking one last time to see if I was STILL behind you? That was because I don't live in that building.
My boyfriend does.
He went to visit his father today, and I spent time working on my honors thesis in philosophy of language. I had to wait outside for his room mate to let me in, but really, by that point, there was nothing I could do that wasn't absurdly terrifying and awkward (and frankly kinda funny). So yeah, I'm sorry that I, a gay philosopher who's never thrown a punch in his life, absentmindedly toddling through ice while trying to be creatively romantic for the first Valentines Day of my relationship, scared you by the sheer coincidence of genetics and location. Honestly.
I am sorry that I followed you all the way from the metro to (what I can only assume is) your apartment building. I am sorry if my presence put you on edge for the length of that long dark stretch of lonely road. At 6'4" and 270 pounds, I can understand why I might appear intimidating. Add in the fact that it was already night, and that I have a beard and a septum ring. Then count in that I was wearing my hood up, which covered most of my face, and really it does make sense to me that you checked over your shoulder no less than 4 times in the three blocks to see if I was still behind you, each time giving a clear look of "oh fuck!" and then trying to walk-run as fast as your heeled boots could carry you over the slushy sidewalk. I know, it was super creepy. Trust me. If I had been in your position, I would have been scared too.
I want you to know that I consider myself harmless. Milquetoast even! Please, let me explain!
That whole walk was so awkward... there I was, walking home from the grocery store with two bags of comfort food, quietly ruminating on Valentines Day ideas that aren't hackneyed or trite, tired after a long day of reading and writing in cafes all over town and suddenly, there was this very small woman in front of me. I tried to pass you but my shoes have literally NO grip. None. So that refreezing slush was difficult to navigate at all, let alone trying to walk fast enough to pass you, up and down each of those hills, with my backpack on and two bags of groceries in my hands. And my hood was up because it was so cold my ears were throbbing with pain! If I had known that you were going to literally the exact same building that was my destination, I would have done anything to avoid the palpable tension of you trying to run away from me and me trying to not fall or die. Oh, and the reason that I didn't have a key, and waited outside of the building while you got on the elevator, checking one last time to see if I was STILL behind you? That was because I don't live in that building.
My boyfriend does.
He went to visit his father today, and I spent time working on my honors thesis in philosophy of language. I had to wait outside for his room mate to let me in, but really, by that point, there was nothing I could do that wasn't absurdly terrifying and awkward (and frankly kinda funny). So yeah, I'm sorry that I, a gay philosopher who's never thrown a punch in his life, absentmindedly toddling through ice while trying to be creatively romantic for the first Valentines Day of my relationship, scared you by the sheer coincidence of genetics and location. Honestly.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Follow-Up: Reciprocity and Oral Sex
We had a conversation with one of our male readers that prompted use to write a follow up to yesterday's post.
Here were his thoughts…
On grooming: “I'd say that, while grooming is important, and straight up Brazilian or some trimmed peach fuzz is always nice, a real man can hang in the bush.”
On how girls can be their own worst enemies: “I also think that, in some cases, girls take their insecurities and project onto the guy, either by not giving him the chance, or dissuading him by--to greater and lesser degrees of subtlety--grabbing his cock and offering sex.”
And finally, on reciprocity: “I'd like to pose a question: Is oral sex the only means of reciprocity-is it precisely an act for an act?
“Oral sex can be used in different ways. There's the warm up/foreplay--which I think can and should be almost always reciprocal within the term of the sex act. Then there's the one-time release, where someone (granted usually the guy) just gets some oral sex. I don't think it makes sense, necessarily, that the guy or girl be required to immediately reciprocate-just because don't we all want some time to enjoy the post-release relaxation? However, one should keep a mental note and return the favor at the first appropriate moment. These can be little gifts of selfless giving between partners, after a rough day or whatever. Then, there's always the finish-off. Sex nearly completed, a woman takes it upon herself to take the man in her mouth-a personal favorite--also works well if the guy performed oral sex on the girl at the onset of nakedness.”
This brought up larger issues (which required furious gchatting to resolve). The issue, we realized, is that girls are more likely to need to be finished off than guys, because they might have a harder time climaxing from sex alone.
And, in this case, if the guy already reached climax through intercourse, the girl probably doesn’t need to reciprocate at that moment. So, within the confines of a relationship, the balance might actually be more skewed to the women.
But that’s not what our reader wrote in about yesterday. She raised the issue of oral sex within the confines of a one-night stand.
And here’s where our male reader offered perhaps the best advice on equalizing the oral sex exchange that we’ve ever heard.
The one-night stand oral sex issue often comes up when a girl takes a guy home, realizes she doesn’t want to have sex with him, and then tries to trade oral sex for penetration (like the woman in our earlier post).
The guys who might not want to reciprocate, he argues, are either lazy, squeamish, or selfish. They either want to get pleasure without giving any, or they’re a little intimidated by an unknown vagina.
When partners are reciprocating oral sex, everyone wants to go last. We all want to enjoy that post-pleasure release without worrying about the work to come.
But if you’re doing the one-night stand oral-sex tradeoff (which, by the way, we never, ever advocate doing), it actually makes sense for the girl go to first. Why?
Let’s say the guy starts doing that thing where he pushes your head downtown or straight-up asks you for a blowjob. Instead of going for it and hoping he repays the favor afterward, say, “I’ll do you if you do me first.”
According to our reader, very few guys will turn down a blowjob. And so some of the squeamish, lazy, and selfish guys who were on the fence about going down on you will be more likely to get you off in order to earn that blowjob.
Here were his thoughts…
On grooming: “I'd say that, while grooming is important, and straight up Brazilian or some trimmed peach fuzz is always nice, a real man can hang in the bush.”
On how girls can be their own worst enemies: “I also think that, in some cases, girls take their insecurities and project onto the guy, either by not giving him the chance, or dissuading him by--to greater and lesser degrees of subtlety--grabbing his cock and offering sex.”
And finally, on reciprocity: “I'd like to pose a question: Is oral sex the only means of reciprocity-is it precisely an act for an act?
“Oral sex can be used in different ways. There's the warm up/foreplay--which I think can and should be almost always reciprocal within the term of the sex act. Then there's the one-time release, where someone (granted usually the guy) just gets some oral sex. I don't think it makes sense, necessarily, that the guy or girl be required to immediately reciprocate-just because don't we all want some time to enjoy the post-release relaxation? However, one should keep a mental note and return the favor at the first appropriate moment. These can be little gifts of selfless giving between partners, after a rough day or whatever. Then, there's always the finish-off. Sex nearly completed, a woman takes it upon herself to take the man in her mouth-a personal favorite--also works well if the guy performed oral sex on the girl at the onset of nakedness.”
This brought up larger issues (which required furious gchatting to resolve). The issue, we realized, is that girls are more likely to need to be finished off than guys, because they might have a harder time climaxing from sex alone.
And, in this case, if the guy already reached climax through intercourse, the girl probably doesn’t need to reciprocate at that moment. So, within the confines of a relationship, the balance might actually be more skewed to the women.
But that’s not what our reader wrote in about yesterday. She raised the issue of oral sex within the confines of a one-night stand.
And here’s where our male reader offered perhaps the best advice on equalizing the oral sex exchange that we’ve ever heard.
The one-night stand oral sex issue often comes up when a girl takes a guy home, realizes she doesn’t want to have sex with him, and then tries to trade oral sex for penetration (like the woman in our earlier post).
The guys who might not want to reciprocate, he argues, are either lazy, squeamish, or selfish. They either want to get pleasure without giving any, or they’re a little intimidated by an unknown vagina.
When partners are reciprocating oral sex, everyone wants to go last. We all want to enjoy that post-pleasure release without worrying about the work to come.
But if you’re doing the one-night stand oral-sex tradeoff (which, by the way, we never, ever advocate doing), it actually makes sense for the girl go to first. Why?
Let’s say the guy starts doing that thing where he pushes your head downtown or straight-up asks you for a blowjob. Instead of going for it and hoping he repays the favor afterward, say, “I’ll do you if you do me first.”
According to our reader, very few guys will turn down a blowjob. And so some of the squeamish, lazy, and selfish guys who were on the fence about going down on you will be more likely to get you off in order to earn that blowjob.
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