Confidence

This weekend, we found ourselves having a conversation with a group of guys about what makes a girl a “fly hunny.”

The unanimous answer, was, unsurprisingly, confidence. But how, we asked, does one project confidence in a bar?

If we could find guys with the answer to this question, we’d be rich. But our male friends did offer a few insights and it all boils down to what not to project and how to react.

What Not to Project

The guys had a hard time coming up with examples of the type of behavior they’re looking for, but they were quick to name one woman they found totally unappealing, and the answer didn’t surprise us: Paris Hilton.

But these guys weren’t turned off for the reasons you might expect (e.g., slutty outfits, number of past partners). They didn’t like the drama, and they weren’t interested in someone who seemed so desperate for attention.

“A girl should act like she has her shit together,” one guy added.

Most of us remember the SNL Drunk Girl character, the hard-partying college chick whose inebriation made her insanely unattractive. In a way, NBC was creating a public service announcement for teenage girls across the country. Society tells us that underage drinking is cool—the more you drink, the cooler you look. But what makes us look cool doesn’t always make us look sexy, and in this case, it has the opposite effect.

Paris Hilton and other socialites are just as easy to market to young women. Magazines, TV shows, and other societal forces praise them for their emaciated figures, their six-digit dresses, and their lives of leisure. And while most of us probably think that Paris Hilton is a complete joke, that doesn’t mean we wouldn’t kill for her body.

Then these women get these reality TV shows. We watch them start fights in bars and immerse themselves in neat 30-minute packages of drama. And while we mock these women in public, we privately wonder how they manage to get these guys, bank accounts, and, well, lives.

And so maybe without meaning to, we start to emulate them. It’s hard to grow up in this country and not strive for some degree of fame (even if we’d never admit it). If being on TV is the ultimate sign that you’ve made it, MTV is telling us that more you embrace dumbness and drama, the greater your chances of fame.

And so we roll into bars and screech when we see someone we know. We air all our dirty laundry—as loudly as we can—because that’s what everyone does on TV. We start talking about what shitshows we were last weekend or how we can’t even go to our kickball games anymore because we made out with too many guys on our team.

This isn’t confidence—it’s a cry for attention. And it’s not attractive to guys.

How to React

“The hottest girls don’t put up with any bullshit,” one of our friends explained. If a guy grabs your ass, don’t just giggle and tell your friends what happened (“Ohmygod, that guy just totally grabbed my ass”). Don’t scream and cause a lot of drama either. Turn around, put on your most serious face, and say, “Don’t do that.” Don’t start a fight—if he tries to engage you, ignore him.

Same goes for if a guy comes up to you and starts talking to you. Out of nowhere. With no segue. That’s not to say that you can’t talk to guys in bars, but when guys come up to you and drop a line, don’t fall for it. Ignore him or politely explain that you’re in the middle of another conversation.

Side note: The rest of the week is guys’ week on Date the District. We’ll have articles/advice more geared towards the men who read this blog. You know who you are.