Survey the District: When Are We Hanging Out?

Dear Date the District,

I have noticed recently all the guys interested in me won't physically ask me out! All they say is "When are we hanging out?" I don't like that they put it in my court. It's very passive aggressive! HELP!

We don’t like it, either.

It sounds like these guys are both lazy and afraid of rejection. If they ask you out, you can say no. But “When are we hanging out?” isn’t a yes-or-no question, which makes it harder for you to flat-out turn them down. It also means they don’t have to come up with a plan or put in very much effort.

It sounds like these guys are testing the waters.

Guys sometimes try to see how little they can get away with. We’ve talked about this before: guys are more likely to prioritize the physical aspects of a relationship and see everything else as “work.” So when it comes to hooking up, the less they have to do, the better.

But, nine times out of ten, if a guy is (soberly) attracted to you enough to hook up with you, he finds you attractive enough to date you.

Guys aren’t always as picky as girls are when it comes to physical attributes. They’ll talk a big talk, but, when it comes down it to it, every girl has boobs and a vagina. And guys are way more interested in those two body parts than they are in your eyes or the shape of your nose.

It’s the way you act, not the way you look, that’ll determine whether or not a guy wants to date you. Plenty of hot girls throw themselves at every guy that looks twice. That doesn’t mean that guys won’t hook up with these girls. But after the hot girl sends the third, “I’m starting to really fall in love with you :)” text after just as many dates, the guy’s going to stop responding.

So when guys ask you when you’re going to hang out, they are putting the ball in your court. And you can either throw yourself at them, or you can play cool.

If you say something like, “I dunno, you never call me!” or “Whenever you ask me out,” you’re making yourself look very available. And that’s going to make you look less attractive in his eyes.

Instead, say something like, “I know, sorry--I’ve been really busy.” That makes it look like the ball’s been in your court the whole time, and you’ve been the one who’s been trying to see how little you can get away with.

When You Can't Ignore a Text

Like we’ve said before, a weak-thumbed texter is usually not worth your time.

But when you really like a guy and don’t hear from him for two weeks, it can hard to ignore the text he finally does send.

If you can’t stop yourself from responding, at least try to communicate on your terms.

Take our friend’s latest conversations with one of her hookups. They’ve gotten into the habit of hanging out at his place, but she wants to spend time outside of the bedroom.

He texted her on a Monday night and asked her if she wanted to come over. She replied, “I have plans tonight. Friday would be better.”

Her schedule was actually wide open that night, except for her regular spin class. But because she hadn’t heard from him in a while, she didn’t want to make it look like she was ready to drop everything to see him. And she didn’t say, “How about Friday?”, which would give him the final say. Instead, she told him what the plan was, which it seem like she was calling the shots.

As it turns out, he had a dinner Friday evening, but would be back around ten. He asked her if she wanted to come over then. She replied, “Ten would probably be too late to go out and do something. Some other time.”

She didn’t say, “No thanks, I’m only going to hook up with you if you start taking me out.” But that’s the message she sent. He ended up canceling his dinner plans.

This isn’t to say that texts like this will work every time. If a guy has already been flaky with communication, he’s not necessarily even going to respond to your first text. But it’s better than getting a “Wanna hang out?” text and jumping in a cab and to head over to his place before you’ve even hit the send button on your reply.