The Girl's Guide to Getting Off: In Bed

Coming is easier for guys.

It’s not fair, but it’s true. It probably has something to do with social constructs: the fact that it’s more socially acceptable for guys to jerk off and to start masturbating at a younger age. It might also have something to do with the fact that a male orgasm is necessary from an evolutionary standpoint. A woman doesn’t have to come to make a baby. A guy does.

It often takes women longer to learn how to have an orgasm. And when they do finally figure out what gets them off, they can’t always climax during coitus.

Some girls expect to orgasm the first time they have sex. And some do, but, for the rest of us, it doesn’t come that easily.

Maybe you’ve never had an orgasm before. Maybe you can only have one when it’s just you and your vibrator. Maybe you only come when a guy goes down on you. And maybe you come from just thinking about sex and have no idea what we’re talking about.

The fact is (and we know you’ve heard this a million times), it’s all normal. Orgasming is much more of a (for lack of a better word) skill that takes some women longer to learn.

And it really is something you have to teach yourself how to do. There’s no magic do-this-and-you-will-orgasm-every-time technique. It takes a lot of experimenting to find a way to reach climax with a partner. And it takes even more work to orgasm from plain vanilla penis-in-vagina sex.

Why do we bring this up? Because the more we talk to women about sex, the more we realize that there are a lot of post-pubescent women who’ve never even had an orgasm. Or they’re not sure if they have. Or they want to have them more regularly, or from sex, or on their own.

This is something that’s not always easy to talk about with friends. And it’s not something that’s easily cured by masturbation, no matter how many virgin sex columnists write their first column about how “outraged” they are that female masturbation is such a taboo subject, and the fact that they masturbate all the time (and are in fact probably masturbating to their own perceived profundity while writing said clichéd column), and how every girl’s sexual problems would all be solved if she simply had the courage to introduce herself to everyone she met by saying, “Hi, I’m Jane, and don’t worry about shaking my hand, because I always wash them after my frequent masturbation sessions.”

If that gets you off, great. But if it doesn’t, and you’re looking for ways to amp up your orgasms, read on. We’re going to talk a lot about orgasms a lot in the upcoming weeks, but today, we’re going to talk about girls who know how to orgasm but have trouble climaxing from intercourse alone.

First, figure out what does get you off. What’s the quickest, easiest way for you to come? Whatever that is, try to incorporate it into intercourse.

Maybe your nipples are the key to peak arousal. Maybe you get off when a guy strokes your inner thighs. Either stimulate those areas yourself during sex, or ask your partner to do it for you.

This is where some girls start to feel shy. They think a guy will be turned off if he finds out that they have foot fetishes or like getting a finger in their back doors.

But here’s what they don’t know: guys love it when their partners get off.

For guys, orgasms are a pretty regular occurrence. Most guys that we know jerk off at least a few times a week, some do it daily. They pretty much have a routine down and can get off fast. And while the sensation might be different in a mouth or a vagina, at the end of the day, an orgasm is an orgasm.

So why are guys obsessed with sex? For them, it’s less about the orgasm, which they can get whenever they want, and more about the other things that come with sex: namely, getting to see a real live naked girl, and feeling sexually desired.

Guys can’t make themselves feel sexually desired with their hands. And that’s why the love it when girls are really into doing them, because it’s the one part of sex you really can’t fake. Every guy wants to feel like he’s amazing in bed, and the louder you are, the more he can believe he’s a sex god.

So if you know something that’ll work for you, don’t be shy. Don’t say, “Um, so, I was wondering if you could, like, finger me while we’re doing it.” Instead, provide clear directions, and say something like, “You know, if you rub my clit while I’m fucking you, it’ll really make me scream.”

Of course, some of these conversations will feel more natural if you wait till you’re in the middle of the act. You’re both hot and bothered, your inhibitions are lowered, and most guys get turned on when women are assertive in bed.

But if you don’t know what works for you, here’s a hint: clitoral stimulation.

For most girls, the clitoris is the shortest path to orgasm. The problem is, standard positions (like missionary, girl on top, reverse cowgirl, etc.) usually don’t do anything for this sexual organ.

If you can find a way to stimulate your clitoris during penetration, you have a better chance of having an orgasm.

Women’s magazines always ntell you that if you rub your clitoris during sex, you’ll come. That works for some people, but it’s not a guarantee.

Here’s a trick one of our friends taught us: if you get on top and lean really far forward (so that you’re almost lying on top of your partner), you can rub your clitoris up against his penis as you’re moving up and down the shaft. It takes some positioning, and you may have to hold the lips of your vagina apart to make sure you’re getting full contact, but once you’re set up, the sensation is similar to what you’d feel if you were grinding up against him in a naked make-out (only more intense).

We’ll share a few more easy-to-orgasm positions later this week. But let us know if this one works for you at datethedistrict@gmail.com.

A Second Word of Advice

Last week, we talked about the dangers of asking your friends for certain advice.

But an even more dangerous source of misinformation can often seem deceptively reliable: your new guy’s girl (space) friends.

When you meet a guy’s girl friend, it’s easy to bond over the fact that you both have breasts and vaginas. And, since most guys have more guy friends than girl friends, his girl friend’s estrogen might provide a much-need break from the usual night out with his friends (e.g., Testosterone Fest 2010).

You might really hit it off with one of his girl friends. And after a few nights of xx-chromosome bonding while you’re playing s.o., she might seem like the perfect person to tell you what’s really going on with him. After all, she’s known him longer, and she probably has some good insight.

The problem is that his friends’ loyalties almost always lie with him. You’re his plus-one first, their friend second.

If you and your guy called it quits tomorrow, chances are, you won’t get an invite to his best friend’s holiday party.

It might seem like those rules shouldn’t apply when his friend shares your gender. But it’s better to assume that they do, especially at first.

Girls tend to be good at socializing. They can be super sweet and make great conversation, even when they don’t really like the person they’re talking to.

That doesn’t mean that all of his girl friends are two-faced bitches. But it does mean that shouldn’t be too quick to assume that she wants to play relationship doctor.

You never know what she’s going to repeat to her friend/your boyfriend. You share some of your insecurities about the relationship (“I mean, he invites me out with his friends, like, all the time, but he never takes me out on dates, and sometimes he forgets to call…”), hoping that she’ll reassure you. And she might do that to your face (“Oh yeah, he’s sooo into you”), but then later share that conversation with the one person you wouldn’t want to find out (i.e., your guy).

Or she might genuinely be misinformed. You might ask her something like, “So, is he trying to date me? Or does he just, like, keep things casual?” Even if this girl seems really close with your boyfriend, she wouldn’t necessarily have access to this information. They might have heart-to-hearts all the time, but guys aren’t always the best at sharing feelings, especially if they’re unsure of where you stand. Or they might never talk about relationships, in which case, her guess is as good as yours. Maybe he wasn’t so into the last girl he dated, and maybe he’s said some things in the past that make her think that he’s looking the play the field. That doesn’t mean he feels the same way about you. In any case, you have no way of knowing whether her take on the situation is right.

And let’s not forget the worst-case scenario: she could be into this guy. Girls fall for their guy friends all the time—even when they’re in committed relationships—and, if you’re dealing with a friend with a crush, she’s probably not going to have your best interests at heart.

The bottom line is: you never know. So why risk it when you can’t trust her opinion any more than anyone else’s?