Dear Date the District,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 6 months now, and I’ve faked orgasms with him every time we’ve had sex. It’s not that he’s bad—I’ve just never had one before, and I’ve always been too embarrassed to tell the guys I’m with. I feel totally comfortable with my current boyfriend, and I’d really like to try coming for real with him. The problem is, how do I tell him I’ve been lying for the past six months?
Female orgasms are a sensitive subject. In the absence of any physical proof, guys are forced to rely on their partners for feedback, and fake orgasms are a huge blow to their egos.
Faking an orgasm is a huge breach of trust, because it’s betraying people in an area in which they usually feel pretty vulnerable: sex. Guys usually assume that women only fake it when it’s really bad, and girls sometimes feel like they have to fake it, even if they’re enjoying it, to make their partner feel adequate.
Coming clean can be embarrassing and difficult, and how you decide to do it depends on where you are in your relationship. If you think he’ll take it well, tell the truth. But if you’re worried it might make him feel incredibly sexually insecure (e.g., he seems to get a huge self-esteem boost from getting you off), there are still a few ways to work on orgasming without telling the whole truth.
If you’ve been faking it during penetration, tell him you’ve never had a clitoral orgasm, and ask him to work with you on that. Tell him he’ll need to be patient, but that it’s really important to you, and something you’ve been wondering about for years.
If you’re faking it when he goes down on you, tell him you want to find your g-spot.
If you’ve started taking medication, you could blame it on that. Tell him your new birth control means you’re going to need to work a little harder to get you back in the saddle, but that your doctor really wants you to try to make this brand work.
Because you’ve never come before, you’re probably best off having him spend more time eating you out. Tell him you want it to last longer than usual, and that you’re going to hold back and make him work harder to get you off.
You could also try something like this, “I always thought I was coming with you, but the other day in the shower, I was touching myself, and it was like this explosion. Like, with you, it always felt really good, but I think maybe this was my first ever orgasm—I was like squirting and everything. I want to get there again—and I want you to do it for me.”
At the end of the day, though, if you love and trust him, you should be able to come clean and work through your sexual exaggeration. He’s obviously doing something right if you’ve been together this long, and make sure he knows how good makes you feel in bed before you tell him your performances might have been a little less than authentic.
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