What Not to Wear (To a Bar)

Spring has officially hit DC: bars are packed for happy hour, tourists have taken over the Metro and bought up all the fanny packs inside the beltway, and people are finally going out again.

All the eligible bachelors spent the winter hibernating, and if you’re single, you’re probably more than ready for a summer fling.

While we don’t advocate meeting guys in bars (mainly because the only thing you’re guaranteed to have in common with a guy you meet at a bar is a taste for alcohol, and as the night progresses, the normal guys tend to go home, leaving you surrounded by raging frat boys), it’s bound to happen in the warmer months, and we definitely approve of getting free drinks.

In an ideal world, we’d all bring books to bars, and our fellow DFW-enthusiasts would approach us to ask us what we were writing in the margins of
Infinite Jest.

But in the real world, your appearance is the only first impression you get. You don’t have much control over the shape of your nose or the size of your boobs (excluding surgery), but you do have control over one thing: your outfit.

If you were to ask the average girl to name a female fashion icon, she’d likely name some obscure designer or trendy celebrity. If you were to ask a guy, he’d say Scarlett Johansson in a bikini.

Fashion is totally lost on most straight males, which is too bad, because most girls dress to attract a mate (though these intentions might not always be conscious).

You might think your cape is cutting edge, but the average guy (especially in DC), probably finds it weird and intimidating.

Here are a few other trends you might want to modify for a night at McFadden’s.

1. Long, shapeless dresses. If you’re 6’2” and 120 pounds, go for it. If you’re not, beware: these dresses tend to make you look shorter and rounder than you really are.

2. Tons of layers. Trendy layers (vests, etc.) can also add bulk if they’re not applied correctly. If you’re adding layers for the sake of layers (i.e., to look more hipster), it’s usually pretty obvious.

3. Boxy shirts/dresses. Same as number 1: adds unnecessary bulk. If it’s well made and paired with the right pair of jeans, it might work, but if it’s from Forever 21, it’s probably doing more harm than good.

4. Short skirts/dresses and bare legs. Almost everyone has cellulite on their upper thighs—why show it off? Throw on a pair of leggings or some black tights—they’re slimming (and less skanky), and they eliminate the need for tanning.

5. Forehead headbands. Let’s be real: on face value, these things just look silly. They’re too ubiquitous to make any sort of statement (unless your statement is, I want to marry Free People/Urban Outfitters), and they’re definitely not guy magnets.