How to Get Your Partner in the Mood

Our last two posts on directed erotic visualization brought up some obvious questions: if guys and girls require different erotic stimulation, how can you get your partner in the mood?

We had a conversation with one of our readers that provided a few insights.

If a girl wants to ramp up a guy’s sexual energy/desire, she has to stimulate him physically, but moderation is key.

OK, guys are almost always up for sex, and they’re better at making sure they achieve orgasm, so most of the work is done for you.

But if you are looking to up the ante (or perhaps convince a drowsy lover to forgo sleep for other activities), subtlety might actually be the key.

If you grab his dick and start attacking, he’ll have a pretty good idea of where things are going. And guys can be rough and aggressive when they’re stimulating themselves, so you’re just providing a new twist on an old game.

But if you gently kiss his neck or lick his nipples, you’ll have the element of surprise, and while he’ll probably still be able to see the future, you’ll catch him off guard and awaken his sensual side.

And, like we said yesterday, complimenting his penis size probably won’t hurt.

If a guy wants to get a girl in the mood, the key is relaxation.

One of our lesbian friends tells us that she always tells girls to relax before she starts going down on them.

You need to make her feel like it’s all about her, and make sure she’s totally comfortable.

Remember that scene in Cruel Intentions where Ryan Phillippe goes down on a virginal Selma Blair?

He’s debonair and sophisticated. There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that he knows what he’s doing (even if he is, in fact, hopelessly lost). He takes control of the situation and makes Cecile’s pleasure his number one priority.

Guys could learn a thing or two from the incestuous young Sebastian (and we’re not talking the lesson in sequels being universally awful).

First, take control of the situation. Even if you’re so nervous that you want to vomit, don’t let on. Pretend like you know exactly what you’re doing (don’t go so far as to say that you’ve done this a million times, but you get the picture). If you make a mistake (like, say, your shirt gets stuck on your neck when you’re taking it off), brush it off and pretend that it was intentional (i.e., don’t apologize or awkwardly laugh).

Then get right to business. Make it all about her. Start kissing her all over her body. Take things slowly—very slowly. Don’t jump to her vagina until you’ve spend a few solid minutes warming up the rest of her body. Remember, because female orgasm is less tied to vaginal stimulation, you don’t need to make it the center of attention.

If you don’t, in fact, know what you’re doing, phrase it in a different way. Instead of admitting that you’re lost, say something like, “Does that feel good?” or “Do you like that?” or “Tell me what feels great,” and follow her lead.

Finally, keep telling her to relax. Spend a lot of time on foreplay so her imagination can run wild before penetration.

You can’t get inside her mind, but you can help her get to the mental state that makes orgasm possible.