Our last two posts on directed erotic visualization brought up some obvious questions: if guys and girls require different erotic stimulation, how can you get your partner in the mood?
We had a conversation with one of our readers that provided a few insights.
If a girl wants to ramp up a guy’s sexual energy/desire, she has to stimulate him physically, but moderation is key.
OK, guys are almost always up for sex, and they’re better at making sure they achieve orgasm, so most of the work is done for you.
But if you are looking to up the ante (or perhaps convince a drowsy lover to forgo sleep for other activities), subtlety might actually be the key.
If you grab his dick and start attacking, he’ll have a pretty good idea of where things are going. And guys can be rough and aggressive when they’re stimulating themselves, so you’re just providing a new twist on an old game.
But if you gently kiss his neck or lick his nipples, you’ll have the element of surprise, and while he’ll probably still be able to see the future, you’ll catch him off guard and awaken his sensual side.
And, like we said yesterday, complimenting his penis size probably won’t hurt.
If a guy wants to get a girl in the mood, the key is relaxation.
One of our lesbian friends tells us that she always tells girls to relax before she starts going down on them.
You need to make her feel like it’s all about her, and make sure she’s totally comfortable.
Remember that scene in Cruel Intentions where Ryan Phillippe goes down on a virginal Selma Blair?
He’s debonair and sophisticated. There’s no doubt in anyone’s mind that he knows what he’s doing (even if he is, in fact, hopelessly lost). He takes control of the situation and makes Cecile’s pleasure his number one priority.
Guys could learn a thing or two from the incestuous young Sebastian (and we’re not talking the lesson in sequels being universally awful).
First, take control of the situation. Even if you’re so nervous that you want to vomit, don’t let on. Pretend like you know exactly what you’re doing (don’t go so far as to say that you’ve done this a million times, but you get the picture). If you make a mistake (like, say, your shirt gets stuck on your neck when you’re taking it off), brush it off and pretend that it was intentional (i.e., don’t apologize or awkwardly laugh).
Then get right to business. Make it all about her. Start kissing her all over her body. Take things slowly—very slowly. Don’t jump to her vagina until you’ve spend a few solid minutes warming up the rest of her body. Remember, because female orgasm is less tied to vaginal stimulation, you don’t need to make it the center of attention.
If you don’t, in fact, know what you’re doing, phrase it in a different way. Instead of admitting that you’re lost, say something like, “Does that feel good?” or “Do you like that?” or “Tell me what feels great,” and follow her lead.
Finally, keep telling her to relax. Spend a lot of time on foreplay so her imagination can run wild before penetration.
You can’t get inside her mind, but you can help her get to the mental state that makes orgasm possible.
Showing posts with label how to get a girl off. Show all posts
Showing posts with label how to get a girl off. Show all posts
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Survey the District: How to Make Orgasms a Team Effort
Dear Date the District,
I read your post about how to climax/have good sex. While I think your take on this was helpful, I am relatively shy when it comes to speaking up about what I need in the bedroom. While I don't really have body-consciousness issues, I'm pretty self-conscious about the actual process of how things progress in the bedroom. Sadly, I have never achieved the "big O" with a guy before (I know I am capable of it because I've done it myself). For some reason, it just never gets there for me and I can't tell if I am the one with the issues or if it's whatever guy I'm with that doesn't know what he's doing. Either way, I feel totally weird about giving direction or taking direction. Advice on this? Do guys find it off-putting when a girl says "no, do it like this" to them??
No—in fact, it’s a major turn on!
The female body is a huge mystery to most guys. The male reproductive system is a little more straightforward—the target zone is a lot bigger, for one thing.
So a lot of guys have no clue what they’re doing and feel a little lost every time they’re confronted with a vagina. When they’re not 100 percent sure what to do, they start to worry that they’re doing something wrong, which detracts from their ability to enjoy the task at hand.
When you tell them what to do, they don’t have to worry about getting you off. They can follow your instructions and focus on the pleasurable sensations instead of worrying about getting everything right.
Like we’ve said before, guys get off on driving you wild. They can have an orgasm without having sex, and watching you get hot and bothered is a huge ego boost that’s hard to replicate outside of the bedroom.
It doesn’t matter if you had to lead the way—if you can come, they’ll be happy to take all the credit.
If you feel shy about telling a guy exactly what you want, spin it in a positive light. If he’s licking your bellybutton and seems to think he’s found the clitoris, you don’t have to say, “That’s not really working for me.” Instead, you can say, “You know, it feels really good when you do this,” and then take his hand to the right spot. Guide his fingers for the first few seconds, and then let him know when he gets it right. Soft moaning or words of encouragement will do the trick.
Attitude is everything when it comes to sex. Guys love it when girls take the lead, but you can pretty much get away with whatever you want if you act like what you’re doing is perfectly normal.
When guys have sex, they’re more worried about whether or not they’re doing something wrong. They don’t have enough energy left over to watch you with a critical eye, so if you project confidence, they’ll assume that you know what you’re doing.
Sometimes you really have to force yourself to take the plunge to see how this works though. If you’re too shy to ask him to do something outright, move his hand. When you see how willingly he follows your direction, that might give you the confidence you need to deliver verbal instruction.
But sometimes you just have to get over your shyness. It can help to disassociate from yourself. Pretend you’re playing a porn star in a Larry Flint special. In pornos, the women don’t lay there and hope he gets it right. Depending on the genre, they’ll nag, yell, boss, and generally take command.
Or try taking deep breaths and relaxing. The more comfortable you feel, the easier it’ll be for you to release some inhibitions.
But realize that coming isn’t as easy with a guy as it is when you’re by yourself. And the fact that you haven’t come with a guy before is nobody’s fault. There’s nothing wrong with you—it just takes practice!
Be patient and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have an orgasm when you’re with a guy. You might have some moves you can use to get yourself off, but a guy might not be able to replicate those exactly.
It might take some work and collaboration on both of your parts. But remember, most guys are eager to work with you to achieve climax—no matter how long it takes. It might feel weird for you to make adjustments every few minutes, but the guy is probably so eager to get you off that he won’t notice.
I read your post about how to climax/have good sex. While I think your take on this was helpful, I am relatively shy when it comes to speaking up about what I need in the bedroom. While I don't really have body-consciousness issues, I'm pretty self-conscious about the actual process of how things progress in the bedroom. Sadly, I have never achieved the "big O" with a guy before (I know I am capable of it because I've done it myself). For some reason, it just never gets there for me and I can't tell if I am the one with the issues or if it's whatever guy I'm with that doesn't know what he's doing. Either way, I feel totally weird about giving direction or taking direction. Advice on this? Do guys find it off-putting when a girl says "no, do it like this" to them??
No—in fact, it’s a major turn on!
The female body is a huge mystery to most guys. The male reproductive system is a little more straightforward—the target zone is a lot bigger, for one thing.
So a lot of guys have no clue what they’re doing and feel a little lost every time they’re confronted with a vagina. When they’re not 100 percent sure what to do, they start to worry that they’re doing something wrong, which detracts from their ability to enjoy the task at hand.
When you tell them what to do, they don’t have to worry about getting you off. They can follow your instructions and focus on the pleasurable sensations instead of worrying about getting everything right.
Like we’ve said before, guys get off on driving you wild. They can have an orgasm without having sex, and watching you get hot and bothered is a huge ego boost that’s hard to replicate outside of the bedroom.
It doesn’t matter if you had to lead the way—if you can come, they’ll be happy to take all the credit.
If you feel shy about telling a guy exactly what you want, spin it in a positive light. If he’s licking your bellybutton and seems to think he’s found the clitoris, you don’t have to say, “That’s not really working for me.” Instead, you can say, “You know, it feels really good when you do this,” and then take his hand to the right spot. Guide his fingers for the first few seconds, and then let him know when he gets it right. Soft moaning or words of encouragement will do the trick.
Attitude is everything when it comes to sex. Guys love it when girls take the lead, but you can pretty much get away with whatever you want if you act like what you’re doing is perfectly normal.
When guys have sex, they’re more worried about whether or not they’re doing something wrong. They don’t have enough energy left over to watch you with a critical eye, so if you project confidence, they’ll assume that you know what you’re doing.
Sometimes you really have to force yourself to take the plunge to see how this works though. If you’re too shy to ask him to do something outright, move his hand. When you see how willingly he follows your direction, that might give you the confidence you need to deliver verbal instruction.
But sometimes you just have to get over your shyness. It can help to disassociate from yourself. Pretend you’re playing a porn star in a Larry Flint special. In pornos, the women don’t lay there and hope he gets it right. Depending on the genre, they’ll nag, yell, boss, and generally take command.
Or try taking deep breaths and relaxing. The more comfortable you feel, the easier it’ll be for you to release some inhibitions.
But realize that coming isn’t as easy with a guy as it is when you’re by yourself. And the fact that you haven’t come with a guy before is nobody’s fault. There’s nothing wrong with you—it just takes practice!
Be patient and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have an orgasm when you’re with a guy. You might have some moves you can use to get yourself off, but a guy might not be able to replicate those exactly.
It might take some work and collaboration on both of your parts. But remember, most guys are eager to work with you to achieve climax—no matter how long it takes. It might feel weird for you to make adjustments every few minutes, but the guy is probably so eager to get you off that he won’t notice.
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