Survey the District: When the Big O Turns Into "Oh No!"

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and summer flings that turned into something more are close to hitting the 6-month mark (because let’s be honest, no one’s going out and meeting guys when it’s 30 degrees out).

This can be a confusing time of year for love, so this week will be devoted to readers’ questions. Need advice or looking for answers on sex, dating, or relationships? Shoot us an e-mail at datethedistrict@gmail.com

i don't O in every position, esp missionary and i TOTALLY don't mind.
i.e. i like the intimacy of it and it still feels really good but i
can tell he feels terrible when i don't O and no matter what i say he
still apologizes and thinks it's his fault. even if i Oed earlier in
the night on top, he still feels bad.

For guys, sex and orgasms go hand in hand. Guys usually can’t orgasm without having or simulating intercourse, so they see climax as the goal of every sexual encounter.

It’s different for girls. Girls get off on clitoral stimulation, something that’s hard to achieve from intercourse alone. For most girls, it’s easier to come when you take penetration out of the equation.

That doesn’t mean that intercourse doesn’t feel good, and it doesn’t mean that we don’t like doing it. But it does mean that we approach sex differently.

It’s great that you’re able to achieve climax from sex alone—not every girl can do that. But he might not realize what an accomplishment this is.

So spell it out for him. The next time he starts pouting post-coitus, give him a lesson in female anatomy. Explain that all girls have trouble reaching orgasm from sex alone, and explain that the fact you’re able to come even sometimes is really an accomplishment. Tell him that it still feels good, but explain that, when he gets all huffy when you don’t come, it’s a major turnoff.

When he obsesses over your ability to climax, it probably puts pressure on you and makes it harder to come. So don’t phrase it as a “Don’t feel bad” thing, pitch it as something that’s keeping you from enjoying yourself and therefore making him a bad lover.

Guys want to feel like they’re the best you’ve ever had, and they’ll do anything to feel like a pleasure machine in bed. So say something like, “Look, sex and coming are two different things for girls. If I really want to come that badly, I’ll masturbate. I like sex for different reasons, and it feels really good in a way that’s totally different from orgasming. It’s just the way sex works for girls, and if I didn’t love having sex with you, I wouldn’t be doing it. But when you freak out every time I don’t come, it’s a major turnoff, and if you want it to feel really good for me, you’ll stop talking about.”

And make sure he knows how much you’re enjoying yourself. Make noises, talk dirty, and show him that you’re really into it. An orgasm is just reassurance that he’s great in bed, and there are other ways to show him that he’s amazing between the sheets.

Sex Tips: Eye Contact

Every girl wants to feel like she’s amazing in bed.

Even though we firmly believe that you’re there to please yourself, not your man, we understand that the competitive spirit that dominates our lives makes us want to feel like we’re number 1 at all times.

And because performance anxiety makes some girls so nervous that they can’t enjoy sex, we’re willing to share a few secrets to male pleasure so you can be so confident enough in the boudoir to enjoy yourself at all times.

Today’s tip: unexpected eye contact.

This is less of a go-to move and more of an icing-on-the-cake to pull out (no pun intended) every once in a while.

Guys see eye contact as a sign of enthusiasm, and, like we’ve said before, enthusiasm is the number one thing that turns guys on in bed. When you lock eyes mid-coitus, it makes it seem like you’re so focused on how good it feels that you’re not thinking about anything else.

This is especially effective with blowjobs. Most guys know that blowjobs aren’t a girl’s favorite pastime. But the more enthusiastic you seem, the more they enjoy it. It’s hard to moan when your mouth is focused on other things, but staring into his eyes is an easy way to make him feel like you’re getting off by getting him off.

Locking eyes is also a turn-on in unexpected positions. Try turning around and making eye contact during doggy style or reverse cowgirl. He won’t be expecting it, and that further validation will send him over the edge.

But be careful: this trick is easy to abuse. Too much eye contact gets creepy, especially in plain-vanilla positions where eye contact is kind of inevitable. Don’t stare at him too much if he’s on top (missionary-style) or if you’re on top in cowgirl. That kind of eye contact could make him feel uncomfortable, the way you start to squirm when someone stares directly at you throughout an entire two-hour meeting.

We’re taking off early for New Year’s. See you all next week!