Boy Bashing

The other day we saw a commercial for a new dating site. The joke (we think—we were watching it on mute) revolved around a clumsy hookup, presumably the result of membership on said dating site.

The woman described each painful detail to a group of her friends, making sure the guy was the butt of all jokes, before logging back on to the site to find her next victim match.

But here’s the problem: the start of a relationship is always filled with uncomfortable, even painfully awkward firsts, seconds, and even thirds, but a rocky start doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship’s doomed.

What happens if the hypothetical woman in the commercial decides to give this guy a second chance? And what if they hit it off on date number two and overcome all sexual inadequacies three weeks later?

The odds might be against this outcome, but one thing’s certain: if you bash a potential boyfriend in front of all friends and acquaintances, the comedic gains pale in comparison to the strain you’re putting on the romantic relationship.

If you’ve made this guy out to be a total loser, your friends are probably going to question your decision to be with him. And because the stories you told them were probably true (he really did order a Diet Coke after you asked for a Chardonnay), it’s hard to come up with a defense. Besides—it takes time to win someone over, which means your friends are probably armed with months of embarrassing anecdotes and minor character flaws. You don’t want to spend every girls’ night out countering each shortfall and trying to show them what you see in him.

We all value our friends’ opinions—especially when it comes to guys. And it can be therapeutic to give our friends a play-by-play of truly painful dates. We’re not saying you should give up this type of gossip all together, but it might not be a bad idea to limit the audience.

Pick a few friends whose opinions matter most. And when you’re with them, don’t hold back. But don’t talk about his flaws with other people. If people ask, keep it vague. Tell them that he seems cool, but you’re still getting to know him.

Calories, Cardio, and Cast-Away Boyfriends: Three Things You Shouldn't Talk About on a First Date

Any former sorority girl will tell you there are three things you should never talk about in the rush room: boys, bitches, and bank accounts.

On a first date, certain topics of conversation should also be off-limits, but they’re not always as obvious.

The first is CALORIES. When a group of girls get together for dinner, they sometimes guesstimate the grams of fat in the salad dressing or bitch about how many pieces of pizza they ate for lunch, and no one thinks anything of it.

But guys don’t necessarily want to hear you list the caloric content of everything you ate in one day. When you start talking about dieting or watching what you eat, it makes you sound insecure and superficial.

Guys appreciate nice bodies, but they aren’t turned on when you go into detail about how you maintain yours. A guy may want to date a girl who weighs 120 pounds, but he doesn’t want to go on dates with someone who always asks for salad dressing on the side.

When you obsess about calories, it also makes you look insecure. A guy wants to think his date has a bangin’ bod. But if she tells him she’s just having a salad because she went overboard on Tuesday, it’s harder for him to notice the perfection. Guys want to think that girls have naturally slim waists. And that’s not how most girls keep their figures, but when you spoil the illusion, the rosy tint disappears.

And besides, you have more interesting things to talk about. A conversation about calories is, frankly, boring, and it makes you look like a ditz.

Along the same lines, the second no-no is CARDIO. A guy doesn’t get a boner when you pull out your notebook of calorie counts, and he doesn’t want to hear about your workouts either.

It’s fine to mention that you work out. And it’s great to say that you enjoy exercise. But when you start explaining that you only work out to stay skinny, you’re back to looking like a ditzy bimbo.

Maybe you like the runner’s high. Perhaps you turn the resistance all the way up on the elliptical so that you can sprint up the Metro escalators in the morning. For a lot of us, exercise is part of our daily routines, and it’s not something you should be ashamed of or try to hide.

But there’s no need to mention the fact that you only work out to burn calories. And don’t obsess over the details of your workout either.

A guy might want to sleep with a girl who spends 40 hours a week in spin class, but he’s not going to want to date her.

You wouldn’t tell a guy that you spent two hours applying makeup for your first date. Cardio’s another grooming habit that’s better left understated.

When a girl is casual and laid back about her weight, it makes her seem more substantive, which translates to: more datable.

The third conversation to avoid is CAST-AWAY BOYFRIENDS. Don’t talk about previous relationships. Just don’t.

Sometimes guys bring this up. They’ll say something like, “When was your last relationship?” or “What was your longest relationship?”

These questions might seem innocuous/slightly relevant, but there’s never a good answer. If you say you just got out of a relationship, he’ll think he’s the rebound. If you say it’s been a while, he might wonder if other guys think you’re not worth dating. If you say your longest relationship was three years, he might think you’re a serial monogamous. And if you say it was three months, he might think you’re just DTF.

The truth is, your past isn’t any of his business. It’s like asking how much money you make. So react to the former the way you would to the latter.

You don’t have to say, “That’s none of your business” if you’re worried you’ll end up sounding like a bitch. You could laugh and say something like, “Do you want to see my bank statement too?” Or keep a straight face and say, “Sixty years.” Or you could just say, “Oh, I dunno” and change the subject.

The past isn’t relevant, and you shouldn’t talk about it.