The Hardest Part of Breaking Up Is Actually Doing It (Part 3)

Third scenario: the guy you’re “seeing”

Maybe you’ve met his parents. Or his friends. Or he’s taken you to brunch at Liberty Tavern one too many times for you to say, “We’re just getting to know each other.”

At this point, you need to do it in person. But the face-to-face is actually less about manners/his feelings and more about practicality.

The person on the receiving end of a “We should see other people” speech rarely succeeds in “not taking it personally.”

In fact, when most people realized that they’re being dumped, they take it pretty badly.

If you break up over the phone, or on Gchat, or at your apartment, he can yell, scream, cry, call you names, guilt-trip you into staying with him while he “rides out the pain.”

But if you break up with him in a bar, coffee shop, or other public place, the pressure to adhere to social norms will keep him from going too crazy.

Don’t make this a bigger deal than it has to be. Don’t ask him if he wants to get drinks at the Ritz. Instead, say something like, “Do you want to get coffee after work?”

Try to avoid alcohol at all costs. Lower inhibitions might make you feel more comfortable, but you don’t want him feeling “relaxed” enough to start crying, screaming, whatever.

Doing it in public keeps it short, sweet, and somewhat civil.

So come right out and say what you’re feeling the moment he sits down. No half-hour discussion about last night’s episode of The Big C as your lead-in to, “So, I’ve been thinking…”

Be as honest as you want, but, generally, the less you say, the better. If you say, “You know, I really want to date someone who plays kickball,” he’s going to take that as, “If I join a kickball team, we’ll stay together!”

Remember, you’re not obliged to hear him out. But again, it’s different for every relationship. If you’re breaking up with your fiancée, there might be more to say than there would be with your friend’s cousin’s brother that you met at a wedding.

If he’s being mean, rude, or just generally unpleasant, you have every right to say, “I have to go. I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

The bottom line is, the more serious the relationship, the harder the breakup. But if you do it in public, you’re making composure and priority, which should make the whole process at least a teensy bit smoother.

How to Get Over a Guy

Whenever a relationship ends, we always wish things had played out exactly the opposite of how they actually did.

If you had to break things off, you think about how easy it would have been if the guy had pulled the plug.

If you were dumped, you wish youcould’ve been the one to say, “I don’t think this is working…”

Earlier this week,we talked about what you can do to ease the sting if you’re the one doing the dumping.

But what if you’re the one who’s getting burned, and it’s coming out of nowhere?

It’s easy to fantasize about how you could have responded (which is always perfect and the exact opposite of how you actually did respond). It’s nice to imagine running into him a few months from now, and having him apologize/beg you to take him back.

When most people get dumped, they spend a lot of time waiting for the explanation and apology. They convince themselves that if the guy could only tell them why he wasn’t interested and apologize for any wrongdoing, they’d be over it in a second.

But the justification/apology rarely has this effect in real life.

Let’s say your ex-boyfriend calls you up to explain what went wrong. He could say, “Look, I really like you, but I’m not over my ex.” And then you’ll wonder why you couldn’t help him get over his ex, and you’ll look back for the warning signs, and maybe you’ll even convince yourself that you can win him back with this knowledge. This revelation didn’t heal all wounds—if anything, you’re probably going to become more obsessed/emotionally invested.

And the fact of the matter is, you’ll never know if he’s telling the truth. He could say it’s about his ex when it’s really about your webbed feet.

But the biggest issue is, when you convince yourself that you’re not going to get over a guy until he apologizes, you’re putting all the power in his hands. And how can you get over someone who holds so much control over you?

That’s why the apology also rarely has the calming effect we expect it to. You’ve probably had at least one guy apologize for dicking you over. And did it really change how you felt?

The best way to get over someone is to do it on y our own terms—to take control of the situation and move on because you want to, not because he gives you permission to.

Speaking of last words, this is ours for the next two weeks. We’ll be on vacation until March 29, but check back in then.