Friday, March 12, 2010

How to Get Over a Guy

Whenever a relationship ends, we always wish things had played out exactly the opposite of how they actually did.

If you had to break things off, you think about how easy it would have been if the guy had pulled the plug.

If you were dumped, you wish youcould’ve been the one to say, “I don’t think this is working…”

Earlier this week,we talked about what you can do to ease the sting if you’re the one doing the dumping.

But what if you’re the one who’s getting burned, and it’s coming out of nowhere?

It’s easy to fantasize about how you could have responded (which is always perfect and the exact opposite of how you actually did respond). It’s nice to imagine running into him a few months from now, and having him apologize/beg you to take him back.

When most people get dumped, they spend a lot of time waiting for the explanation and apology. They convince themselves that if the guy could only tell them why he wasn’t interested and apologize for any wrongdoing, they’d be over it in a second.

But the justification/apology rarely has this effect in real life.

Let’s say your ex-boyfriend calls you up to explain what went wrong. He could say, “Look, I really like you, but I’m not over my ex.” And then you’ll wonder why you couldn’t help him get over his ex, and you’ll look back for the warning signs, and maybe you’ll even convince yourself that you can win him back with this knowledge. This revelation didn’t heal all wounds—if anything, you’re probably going to become more obsessed/emotionally invested.

And the fact of the matter is, you’ll never know if he’s telling the truth. He could say it’s about his ex when it’s really about your webbed feet.

But the biggest issue is, when you convince yourself that you’re not going to get over a guy until he apologizes, you’re putting all the power in his hands. And how can you get over someone who holds so much control over you?

That’s why the apology also rarely has the calming effect we expect it to. You’ve probably had at least one guy apologize for dicking you over. And did it really change how you felt?

The best way to get over someone is to do it on y our own terms—to take control of the situation and move on because you want to, not because he gives you permission to.

Speaking of last words, this is ours for the next two weeks. We’ll be on vacation until March 29, but check back in then.

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