Tuesday, December 22, 2009

International Make-Out Artist: Sufjan Stevens

So what, exactly, is the international make-out song?

The summer before college, a lot of guys who spent their high school years dry humping pillows anticipate the transition to bro-dom and decide to learn guitar. Most Dispatch songs can be played with only one or two chords, so the training isn’t especially difficult, and a guitar coupled with shaggy longish hair is the shortest way into a girl’s heart (and pants).

International make-out songs, in theory, are songs that are so easy to play that 1) any bro can learn to play them with Google and a half hour, 2) said bros can sit on their beds in their freshmen dorms with their doors open and play said songs over and over until the cute girl from down the hall comes in and says, “Ohmygod, I love Dashboard!”, and 3) said girl will immediately begin to make out with said bro, and the songs are so simple that the bro doesn’t even have to stop playing while swapping spit.

Famous international make-out songs include Dashboard’s “Screaming Infedilities,” Dispatch’s “Out Loud,” and Oasis’s “Wonderwall.”

International make-out songs, by definition, have to be slightly obscure. Not so obscure that people haven’t heard of them, but obscure enough that they’re hard to find on the radio. But now that the “bro” identity has taken a definite turn towards hipster, we’ve noticed that international make-out songs are more and more likely to be found on Pitchfork.

The newest international make-out artist? Sufjan Stevens. Beloved by hipsters and evangelical Christians alike, this guy makes girls want to take their pants off (even though he’s probably saving it for marriage).

Bros, ready your tabs.

And of course, the one everyone’s heard:

1 comment:

  1. What a bunch of bullshit, I played some death metal with my door open and no girls stopped by my dorm :(

    Granted, I am not a bro or a hipster.