When He Can't Get It Up

Sex with a new partner can nerve-wracking, intimidating, awkward, and sometimes flat-out awful.

You’re nervous and excited, and both of your expectations are based on completely different sexual pasts. Maybe he thinks sex should always start with a male strip-tease, and you want it to end with oral sex.

Suffice it to say that there’s a high potential for a first-time hookup to not be the best you’re ever had.

But what happens when he can’t sustain (or even achieve) an erection?

This can be very upsetting the first time it happens. You wonder if it’s you, you wonder if it’s him, but mostly you wonder if there’s a fast-forward button you can press to get the hell out of this situation.

Maybe it happens again the second or third time you try, and now you start really wondering what’s going on.

Let’s start with the basics. We know Jennifer Anniston’s character on Friends begs to differ, but it really is normal and it really does happen to most guys, at least once in a while.

But Trey was totally normal and good-looking and if he had erectile dysfunction, gulp, couldn’t this guy too?

Probably not. You wouldn’t initiate sex on your period without warning the guy ahead of time, right? In the same way, a guy with ED probably isn’t going to jump into bed after a few dates and hope for the best.

A man suffering from erectile dysfunction most likely a) knows he has a problem and b) has come up with a few ways of dealing with it, none of which include trying to have sex with a girl he just met and not telling her about it.

So if it’s not physiological, what it is?

More often than not, it’s nerves, alcohol, or some combination of the two. Some guys are shyer than you’d think, others feel pressure to perform, and all should be aware of the whiskey-dick phenomenon, but some seem to delude themselves into illusions of immunity.

The best cure and prevention is comfort, and the more you provide him, the better his better half should perform.

If it happens, don’t make a big deal about it. This should be a no-brainer, but brains sometimes have the annoying habit of turning off when we’re thrown into awkward situations.

Don’t point it out. Don’t ask questions completely unrelated to the task at hand (e.g., has this ever happened before?). In fact, don’t ask questions at all—chances are, if there were something you could do, he’d do it himself, and asking just draws attention to the issue.

Try going down on him for a while. Be gentle, focus on the balls, and be sure to intersperse well-lubricated hand jobs.

But if that’s not working, and he can’t fix it himself, it’s time to abandon ship. To let him off with his ego intact, ask him to go down on you.

Here’s how it works: you’ve tried with your mouth, your hands, his hands, and the heart monitor’s still a straight line. Don’t say, “It’s OK!” or “Let’s try later.” Instead, put on your best coy expression and say, “Will you go down on me?”

And make sure you get really into it.

This will make him feel sexually desired and, more importantly, fulfilling, which might actually help him get hard, if not now, for sure next time.

Make sure to stroke his ego during and after. If you were able to get a glimpse of the ship with full sails, compliment him on his size. But not in a, “I’ve seen them all and even I’m impressed,” kind of way, more in a, “Wow, I must be super inexperienced because that seemed huge.”

If you didn’t get a sense of the size, tell him what a great kisser he was, how good he made you feel, whatever.

The more sexual experience you feign (or admit to) with a guy who’s having trouble performing, the worse it’ll be for both of you. He’s already intimidated, he doesn’t want to be reminded that other guys have rocked your world before him. You want him to feel like he’s the expert, the one who knows what he’s doing,

Channel your inner girl-next-door. That doesn’t mean you have to lie about your past or pretend you’re a virgin, but don’t bring up sex outside of the act itself, and don’t leave your strap-on lying around.

The goal is to make him feel safe and comfortable—not to reassure him. The line between reassurance and pity is pretty thin, and it’s better for him to feel like you didn’t even realize something was wrong.

But give him another chance. Chances are, it’s not you and it’s not him—it’s normal beginning-of-the-relationship jitters, and it will disappear when you guys get to know each other better.