The other day, a guy friend of ours asked us to help him “slay” a girl he described as “really annoying, but she kind of has big boobs.”
We, of course, refused, but we asked him why he was so interested in this particular girl when he could probably find countless other women equally well endowed with (at least marginally) less abrasive personalities.
No, no, he explained, her annoyingness was the allure; the boobs were just an added bonus.
We loosened him up with a round of drinks and got him to elaborate, and we happened upon some pretty misogynistic sexual desires. Our friend prefers to have one-night stands with women he can’t stand for a litany of reasons, mainly because 1) he gets a Gob Bluth-esque satisfaction out of saying, “I f*cked that,” 2) he feels sexually liberated—he can try whatever he wants with her because he never liked/respected her to begin with, and 3) he never has to feel guilty about blowing her off because he dislikes her anyway.
We were about to get judgmental, but then we realized that few people have the purest intentions when it comes to one-night stands.
One-night stands rarely translate into great sex. Everyone has different sexual idiosyncrasies, which means sex with a new person often starts out awkwardly—especially for women, who often have a harder time orgasming to begin with.
So if we’re not doing it for pleasure, why are we doing it?
Women often receive validation from feeling sexually desired—if a guy wants to bone them, they feel better about themselves. Some women also seek men with money, power, and popularity for sexual flings because they like being able to tell their friends that they “f*cked that.”
None of this is unhealthy, per se, but it is good to think about. We’re not saying you should evaluate your motivations when it’s last call at Heaven and Hell and you’re ovulating, but it’s not a bad idea to think about why you have one-night stands in general.
If you are doing it for validation and self-worth, it might be a good idea to seek these things elsewhere.
The fact of the matter is, sex doesn’t make you more beautiful or powerful or popular. Sex is supposed to provide sexual pleasure (and, technically, babies), and the more you get off, the easier it is to feel sexually satisfied at the end.
But the more you try and make sex into something else (i.e., a self-esteem boost), the more you lose the ability to enjoy the pleasurable physical sensations.
If you have the wrong attitude, one-night stands can leave you feeling frustrated and wanting something more. You went into it wanting to feel better about yourself, and you’re left feeling hot and bothered with no orgasm to speak of.
Showing posts with label one-night stands. Show all posts
Showing posts with label one-night stands. Show all posts
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
Follow-Up: Reciprocity and Oral Sex
We had a conversation with one of our male readers that prompted use to write a follow up to yesterday's post.
Here were his thoughts…
On grooming: “I'd say that, while grooming is important, and straight up Brazilian or some trimmed peach fuzz is always nice, a real man can hang in the bush.”
On how girls can be their own worst enemies: “I also think that, in some cases, girls take their insecurities and project onto the guy, either by not giving him the chance, or dissuading him by--to greater and lesser degrees of subtlety--grabbing his cock and offering sex.”
And finally, on reciprocity: “I'd like to pose a question: Is oral sex the only means of reciprocity-is it precisely an act for an act?
“Oral sex can be used in different ways. There's the warm up/foreplay--which I think can and should be almost always reciprocal within the term of the sex act. Then there's the one-time release, where someone (granted usually the guy) just gets some oral sex. I don't think it makes sense, necessarily, that the guy or girl be required to immediately reciprocate-just because don't we all want some time to enjoy the post-release relaxation? However, one should keep a mental note and return the favor at the first appropriate moment. These can be little gifts of selfless giving between partners, after a rough day or whatever. Then, there's always the finish-off. Sex nearly completed, a woman takes it upon herself to take the man in her mouth-a personal favorite--also works well if the guy performed oral sex on the girl at the onset of nakedness.”
This brought up larger issues (which required furious gchatting to resolve). The issue, we realized, is that girls are more likely to need to be finished off than guys, because they might have a harder time climaxing from sex alone.
And, in this case, if the guy already reached climax through intercourse, the girl probably doesn’t need to reciprocate at that moment. So, within the confines of a relationship, the balance might actually be more skewed to the women.
But that’s not what our reader wrote in about yesterday. She raised the issue of oral sex within the confines of a one-night stand.
And here’s where our male reader offered perhaps the best advice on equalizing the oral sex exchange that we’ve ever heard.
The one-night stand oral sex issue often comes up when a girl takes a guy home, realizes she doesn’t want to have sex with him, and then tries to trade oral sex for penetration (like the woman in our earlier post).
The guys who might not want to reciprocate, he argues, are either lazy, squeamish, or selfish. They either want to get pleasure without giving any, or they’re a little intimidated by an unknown vagina.
When partners are reciprocating oral sex, everyone wants to go last. We all want to enjoy that post-pleasure release without worrying about the work to come.
But if you’re doing the one-night stand oral-sex tradeoff (which, by the way, we never, ever advocate doing), it actually makes sense for the girl go to first. Why?
Let’s say the guy starts doing that thing where he pushes your head downtown or straight-up asks you for a blowjob. Instead of going for it and hoping he repays the favor afterward, say, “I’ll do you if you do me first.”
According to our reader, very few guys will turn down a blowjob. And so some of the squeamish, lazy, and selfish guys who were on the fence about going down on you will be more likely to get you off in order to earn that blowjob.
Here were his thoughts…
On grooming: “I'd say that, while grooming is important, and straight up Brazilian or some trimmed peach fuzz is always nice, a real man can hang in the bush.”
On how girls can be their own worst enemies: “I also think that, in some cases, girls take their insecurities and project onto the guy, either by not giving him the chance, or dissuading him by--to greater and lesser degrees of subtlety--grabbing his cock and offering sex.”
And finally, on reciprocity: “I'd like to pose a question: Is oral sex the only means of reciprocity-is it precisely an act for an act?
“Oral sex can be used in different ways. There's the warm up/foreplay--which I think can and should be almost always reciprocal within the term of the sex act. Then there's the one-time release, where someone (granted usually the guy) just gets some oral sex. I don't think it makes sense, necessarily, that the guy or girl be required to immediately reciprocate-just because don't we all want some time to enjoy the post-release relaxation? However, one should keep a mental note and return the favor at the first appropriate moment. These can be little gifts of selfless giving between partners, after a rough day or whatever. Then, there's always the finish-off. Sex nearly completed, a woman takes it upon herself to take the man in her mouth-a personal favorite--also works well if the guy performed oral sex on the girl at the onset of nakedness.”
This brought up larger issues (which required furious gchatting to resolve). The issue, we realized, is that girls are more likely to need to be finished off than guys, because they might have a harder time climaxing from sex alone.
And, in this case, if the guy already reached climax through intercourse, the girl probably doesn’t need to reciprocate at that moment. So, within the confines of a relationship, the balance might actually be more skewed to the women.
But that’s not what our reader wrote in about yesterday. She raised the issue of oral sex within the confines of a one-night stand.
And here’s where our male reader offered perhaps the best advice on equalizing the oral sex exchange that we’ve ever heard.
The one-night stand oral sex issue often comes up when a girl takes a guy home, realizes she doesn’t want to have sex with him, and then tries to trade oral sex for penetration (like the woman in our earlier post).
The guys who might not want to reciprocate, he argues, are either lazy, squeamish, or selfish. They either want to get pleasure without giving any, or they’re a little intimidated by an unknown vagina.
When partners are reciprocating oral sex, everyone wants to go last. We all want to enjoy that post-pleasure release without worrying about the work to come.
But if you’re doing the one-night stand oral-sex tradeoff (which, by the way, we never, ever advocate doing), it actually makes sense for the girl go to first. Why?
Let’s say the guy starts doing that thing where he pushes your head downtown or straight-up asks you for a blowjob. Instead of going for it and hoping he repays the favor afterward, say, “I’ll do you if you do me first.”
According to our reader, very few guys will turn down a blowjob. And so some of the squeamish, lazy, and selfish guys who were on the fence about going down on you will be more likely to get you off in order to earn that blowjob.
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