Thursday, November 12, 2009

Survey the District: But How Do I Let Him Know That I'm Interested?

Dear Date the District,

One of your posts talked about texting... OK, I get that you don’t ever want to look desperate. But how do you let a guy know you’re interested? Sometimes he asks for your number and then never calls, and sometimes I think it might be because I didn’t seem interested enough at the bar. So what’s wrong with texting him to clear the air?


Well, anonymous, the answer to your question is simple: never let a guy know that you’re interested. If a guy’s not calling you, it’s not because he’s worried that you’ll shoot him down. The lack of interest is on his part, not yours.

I don’t buy the whole He’s-Just-Not-That-Into-You craze, the book that your best friends were all telling you you had to read five years ago that turned into a movie that is single-handedly responsible for my desire to punch Ginnifer Goodwin in the face (seriously, WTF was she doing in a chick flick?).

Realizing that a guy doesn’t like you is painful, not liberating, and my problem with the He’s Just Not That Into You franchise is that it encourages girls to act like psycho bitches (i.e., leaving a guy five messages in a row and then validating that behavior by saying, “Well, if he doesn’t like me, it’s his loss!”).

Most of the time, if you try to show a guy that you’re into him, he’s not gonna be that into you.

It works that way for girls too. I went to a happy hour with some friends recently, and two of my friends (let’s call them Kate and Angela) started talking to two guys. The guy Kate was talking to was really cute, and Angela’s guy… was not. They all exchanged numbers at the end of the night. Kate’s guy called her the next day and asked her to go out the following night. On their date, he kept telling her how happy he was to have met her. He texted her three times that night, and Kate never responded. She said she never felt a spark.

Angela, on the other hand, didn’t hear for her guy for almost a week. And she noticed. Even though she claimed she wasn’t interested, she was worried that he’d rejected her. And that made her care.

Like we talked about last week, when you know someone’s interested in you, that person becomes less exciting, less appealing. It’s the unknowns that really get inside your head.

It’s the same way for guys. So even though a guy might respond to a 3 a.m. booty call text, he’s not gonna stick around for breakfast the next morning. He’ll continue to hook up with you for as long as it’s convenient, but when you ask him to come to your office holiday party, he’ll conveniently be out of town, and you’ll probably stop hearing from him for a while.

If you want to go out of your way to let a guy know you’re interested, he’ll get the message. But that will just make it hurt even more when you realize he’s not.


  1. Dear Date the District,

    Let me pose a question here: Where do you get off with this heinous advice?

    I don't mean to be cruel but you should reevaluate your choices here. You seem to be a good writer, but the content is ATROCIOUS.

    I can tell from your perspective on both men and women that you are probably 22 years old, newly moved to the district (because if you weren't you'd know the last thing DC needs is another blog by some lonely girl telling lonely girls how not to be lonely), and probably have very little relationship experience.

    When is the right time to have sex? When it feels right, and you're in a sexually and emotionally mature place. For some people that's after the first date. For some its after 50. Waiting "as long as possible" is a ridiculous trick that little girls play when they're unaware of how mutual respect works.

    I'm going to put it out there- if you slept with a guy on the first date, and he never called you again, you guys were NEVER going to be in a happy, successful relationship. Similarly, if you waited 3 months and strung the poor hormonal mess along and then fucked the ever living daylights out of him and OMG HE TOTALLY CALLED YOU!!!! Guess what, its not going to last! Tricking some man into sticking it out through a punitively long wait for sex is not going to change your innate chemistry, it will just expose you as a manipulative bitch, who probably sucks in bed. (I mean, if you were a rockstar in the sack, you'd probably want to show him right away, just saying.)

    Similarly, advising that girls should never seem interested is what turns men into dogs- if they always have to hunt for the prey, they think of women as just that, prey. Then they go after the shiny bunnies- the blondes with big tits (sorry, they're tits on that kind of girl), who present themselves as sexual objects for the taking. Girls like you, being cold and aloof are left in the corner hating on the bunny girls and talking about 'self worth' and being above it. You're right, why demonstrate that you are an interesting person worth spending some extra time on, when you can demonstrate that you are a cold, disinterested, self absorbed bitch?

    As I said, I don't mean to be cruel, but you need to take a step back and reevaluate what you put into the world. This advice is the pseudo-feminist, quasi-liberal crap that girls who have had bad experiences with douchebags spout to their similarly inclined friends over too many vodka sodas at a crappy bar.

    Leave it there.

    Following up on a previous comment, drop the fake question and answer format (dude, no one is e-mailing you questions, get over it, its just weird.) and give some real life experiences. Want to talk about why you should wait? Give it a story. Put your real life experiences where you're mouth is. You said you were a sex columnist... Based on the contents of this blog, I am not inclined to believe that. Where's the juice? The humility? The EXPERIENCE? Give me that and that's a blog I would read and not want to vomit hatred all over their comments.

    So, my most sincere apologies for shitting all over you right now, but really this last post was the absolute tipping point for me. You sound ridiculous, please reevaluate, and try to give your readers something real to hold onto.

    Sorry I got a little real just then.

    Love always,
    Your loyal reader,
    DC Snarker.

  2. I totally agree "He's Just Not That Into You" was a horrendous movie! Hmm I think your plan would make sense, if i could only i could stop drunk-texting guys in the middle of the night! Maybe you should make a "Survey the District" entry on how to stop yourself from doing that!

  3. "Similarly, advising that girls should never seem interested is what turns men into dogs- if they always have to hunt for the prey, they think of women as just that, prey."

    I completely agree, you can't complain about the 'game' and then perpetuate it. Personally, I like it when girls are into me. I mean, why would I want to be around one who wasn't.

  4. I definitely agree with you on Ginnifer Goodwin. Between her two roles as a polygamist and a desperate girl without a clue, she's given some of the worst dating advice. Oh, and Justin Long is her enabler. Ensemble cast rom-coms almost always end in disaster.

  5. DCSnarker -- chill the fuck out. No one's forcing you to read this blog. I happen to love the advice and think the poster provides a fresh, blunt perspective. Like it or don't like it. Don't be a hater.