Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Why We’re Just Not That Into He’s Just Not That Into You

We spend a lot of time throwing quick punches at the book all women were reading 5 years ago, He’s Just Not That Into You.

Today, we thought we’d finally explain why we don’t like this book, and why we think it does more harm than good.

Our problem isn’t with the message, which is, in its most condensed form, is basically this: if he’s not actively trying to make you his girlfriend, he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend.

That’s solid advice—too many of us spend hours obsessing about what a text means, trying to explain away the fact that he isn’t calling, texting, or telling you he wants to get serious. Sometimes we are wasting our time and energy on people who, for whatever reason, are never going to change their minds.

The problem is that this is where the message stops. He’s not into you, so get over it and move on to someone who is. And, most importantly, it’s not you—it’s him.

This isn’t always true. Sometimes it is you. Sometimes you’re clingy, or text too often, or talk about your ex, or tell him you’re on a diet, or engage in a variety of other behaviors that don’t reflect the awesome, amazing, self-confident person that you are.

HJNTIY would say, “Fuck him—wait for a guy who loves your neuroses!”

That’s certainly one solution, but a better one might be to behave in a manner that’s attractive to men. To make yourself less available. To project a friendly, confident, and independent personality. To make a guy work for your affection.

There’s definitely a point where you need to forget him and move on. But HJNTIY focuses exclusively on this point—not the before and after, which are usually the more important parts. The before is your chance to seduce, and the after is usually easier said than done. If getting over a crush were as easy as saying, “Oh well, he’s just not that into me!”, Facebook wouldn’t have expanded beyond Harvard.

It’s easy to obsess and hard to break the habit. It’s easy (once you know what you’re looking for) to figure out when a guy isn’t interested. But it’s much harder to avoid having to give yourself the HJNTIY pep talk in the first place.


  1. I totally agree with this. Also, I thought the book had way too simplistic "reader questions" that they used as examples to illustrate the point. I have had some stupid friends in my time, but never have they been so ridiculously stupid to think a married man who still actively has a life with his wife, and who maintains that life for 20 years, will ever leave to be with them. I had to put the book down after a while.

  2. who has a freaking answering machine anymore?

  3. Completely agree. It's a good thing when women can accept themselves and move past rejection -- but not when they do it by assuming that anyone who rejects them is a crazy commitmentphobe.

  4. I never read the book 5 years ago or now so I don't know whether I agree with you or not. But now I'm kinda intrigued. It sounds like it'd be a quick enough read and you could take the positive/helpful notes and leave the rest right? Do you think its worth a read for the good stuff or are we JUST NOT THAT INTERESTED in reading this book? Let me know and Cheers, T.

  5. I won't read the book. It's not that I don't think it wouldn't be valuable, but I don't think I need a book to tell me a dude's not into me. I can typically tell. The shame is I get mad at me for breaking imaginary rules, rules books like this one I assume puts into place. Maybe I wish secretly that there were rules so if something went wrong I can blame the system and not myself :)