Friday, February 26, 2010

Girl Friends: A Follow Up

Yesterday, one of our readers wrote in in response to yesterday's post.

I think your characterization of girl (space) friends of guy friends is not only wrong but plays into reinforcing societal misconceptions about integrating sex into male/female relationships and gives women in general, a bad name. I think that while yes, that can be true for some girls, it’s unfair to say even that most girls are that way. I have a lot of guy friends that I have zero sexual tension/chemistry with, that I would happily play wingwoman for and help set them up with interested girls. All of my female friends are the same way. A lot of us are like brother and sister and have our friends’ best interests at heart - and so if the girl is awesome, we'll hook it up. Just wanted to let you know that women are not all scheming, conniving and territorial.

We totally agree. While we think you have to watch out for girls who are a little territorial, this reader is right. Not all girls are going to sabotage your relationship with their guy friends (just as not all girls are going to be as eager to hook you up).

But we also think this reader pointed out something that we should have emphasized more yesterday. “If the girl is awesome,” she says, “we’ll hook it up.”

The problem is, it’s hard to look awesome if you seem like you’re obsessed with a girl’s friend.

We were on the receiving end of this a lot in college. We had a close guy friend who had a penchant for convincing girls that they were in love with him, and these girls would try to get in with us by saying, “Hey, nice to meet you, I’m in love with Zack.”

If you legitimately treat these girls as friends and show them how cool you are, you can eventually broach the subject of their guy friend’s love life. But if you don’t even pretend to be remotely interested in their friendship, why would these girls want to help you out?

If you pretend to befriend these girls and drop the crush bomb too quickly, it doesn’t reflect well on you. And think of it this way: if a (seemingly) crazy girl came up to you and demanded that you hook her up with one of your friends, how would you feel?

No one wants to feel like she's being used. So if you want to get to know that cute guy’s girl friends and then ask for their help, you’ll have a higher rate of success.

But the other issue is, it’s hard to tell which girls are going to help you out and which ones aren’t. And while our reader certainly has the right attitude, the girls who don’t are sometimes really good at disguising their true motives.

If there’s no other way to get in with this guy, appealing to his girl (space) friends might be worth a shot. But we’ve all had at least one girl promise to hook us up with her friend, and two weeks later she’s dating the guy in question.

So there aren’t any hard and fast rules when it comes to using a friend as an in. But the more genuine you can be in pursuing these girl’s friendships, the further it’ll get you in the long run.


  1. Yeah, not all women are conniving, but they're certainly not naive enough to think that a man has her best interest at heart. I think it's correct for a girl to keep her distance and not spill too much information about herself until she gets a better feel for her counterpart, and yeah, that might be mean playing hard-to-get and saying no once in a while.

  2. That might mean***