Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Survey the District: He Just Said No to Sex

Dear Date the District,

I've been hanging out with this guy for about a month now, and we've gone out together a bunch of times and have had a lot of fun together. We've seen each other every weekend, and always end up spending at least one night together having a sleepover. Most of the time we see each other/hook up, it’s sober. So I told him in the beginning that I just wanted to take things slow, and not have sex right away, which he was really cool with, although we have been doing the naked makeout. So last night, I figured I was ready to have sex with him. We went to a mutual friend's birthday at a bar last night and had a great time. So we came back to my place, and I was like "Sooo...I think it's been a long time we've been hanging out, and I wanna have sex with you tonight." Obviously I was a bit drunk if I was that blunt. But anyway, then he's like, "Actually...I've been meaning to talk to you about that. I dated a woman (she was 32! and he's 25!) for 2.5 years, and we broke up a few months ago. So I don't wanna just jump into having sex with you right away. I really like hanging out with you, and want to continue to get to know you before we have sex. I don't want to bring sex into it now and complicate things in case they don't work out. I don't want to have sex with you right now and have you get attached and hurt you if things don't work out."

What do you think about all that? Should I take offense, like is he pretty much saying he isn't sure whether he likes me enough, and isn't sure if things will work out between us so he just wants to keep it casual? Or does he like me, and just wants to still test the waters with me for a bit before having sex?

A single, 20-something guy turning down sex?

We’re confused too.

Does he like you? If he’s been pursuing the hook ups, there’s a good chance that he’s attracted to you. And if he goes out of his way to hang out with you, we highly doubt that your personality is the problem.

Because we don’t know this guy, and because everything else about your relationship sounds pretty par for the course (in 20-something dating land, that is), the only thing we have to go on is what he said to you that night.

Is it the whole truth? Probably not.

But there’s a good chance that the I’m-still-getting-over-my-serious-relationship thing isn’t far from where he’s coming from.

Meaning: It’s not about you. It’s about him.

We kind of doubt he’s trying to keep things casual. In guyworld, “keeping things casual” usually means hooking up with as little commitment/attachment as humanly possible. So if he were trying to keep things casual, he’d probably want to have sex with you before he decided whether or not he liked you.

If this guy is used to dating older women, he might have a different perspective on sex. Maybe his last girlfriend made him wait, and he thinks it always works like that.

Or he could be nervous. Maybe he’s worried that he doesn’t have enough experience (and it definitely sounds like he hasn’t slept with anyone new in at least 2.5 years).

The unfortunate fact is, he's the only one who knows why he said what he said. And no amount of attempted mind reading will change that.

All you can do is try to decide whether or not you want to be with him. Yes, this is definitely unexpected behavior, but if everything else is going well, this guy’s temporary chastity might not be a deal breaker.

But if this guy says no to sex, he’s not entitled toa naked makeout.Whatever his deal is, the naked makeout will probably only make it worse. If he’s still trying to decide whether or not he likes you enough to sleep with you, why does he get a blowjob in the interim?

We’d advise you to take things even slower. Cut back on the sleepovers (or eliminate them all together) until both of you are ready to do the deed. Try getting to know him (and letting him get to know you) before you make a decision about what to do.


  1. Could have a very specific fetish, also.

  2. when will girls learn that the naked makeout is such a bad idea?!?!

    also if you two have been dating for a month and are doing the naked makeout, what makes him think that you cannot get attached from that? he only gets attached from sticking his p in your v and not oral?

  3. I'm the one who wrote in with the question...and I just remembered something. I know he broke up with his gf before November, and this weekend when I asked him when the last time he had sex was, he said it was in November. So he's either lying about when he last had sex, or he must have had a one-night stand or something casual. Which makes me feel weirder that he doesn't want to have sex with me right now, lol.