Survey the District: How to Make Orgasms a Team Effort

Dear Date the District,

I read your post about how to climax/have good sex. While I think your take on this was helpful, I am relatively shy when it comes to speaking up about what I need in the bedroom. While I don't really have body-consciousness issues, I'm pretty self-conscious about the actual process of how things progress in the bedroom. Sadly, I have never achieved the "big O" with a guy before (I know I am capable of it because I've done it myself). For some reason, it just never gets there for me and I can't tell if I am the one with the issues or if it's whatever guy I'm with that doesn't know what he's doing. Either way, I feel totally weird about giving direction or taking direction. Advice on this? Do guys find it off-putting when a girl says "no, do it like this" to them??

No—in fact, it’s a major turn on!

The female body is a huge mystery to most guys. The male reproductive system is a little more straightforward—the target zone is a lot bigger, for one thing.

So a lot of guys have no clue what they’re doing and feel a little lost every time they’re confronted with a vagina. When they’re not 100 percent sure what to do, they start to worry that they’re doing something wrong, which detracts from their ability to enjoy the task at hand.

When you tell them what to do, they don’t have to worry about getting you off. They can follow your instructions and focus on the pleasurable sensations instead of worrying about getting everything right.

Like we’ve said before, guys get off on driving you wild. They can have an orgasm without having sex, and watching you get hot and bothered is a huge ego boost that’s hard to replicate outside of the bedroom.

It doesn’t matter if you had to lead the way—if you can come, they’ll be happy to take all the credit.

If you feel shy about telling a guy exactly what you want, spin it in a positive light. If he’s licking your bellybutton and seems to think he’s found the clitoris, you don’t have to say, “That’s not really working for me.” Instead, you can say, “You know, it feels really good when you do this,” and then take his hand to the right spot. Guide his fingers for the first few seconds, and then let him know when he gets it right. Soft moaning or words of encouragement will do the trick.

Attitude is everything when it comes to sex. Guys love it when girls take the lead, but you can pretty much get away with whatever you want if you act like what you’re doing is perfectly normal.

When guys have sex, they’re more worried about whether or not they’re doing something wrong. They don’t have enough energy left over to watch you with a critical eye, so if you project confidence, they’ll assume that you know what you’re doing.

Sometimes you really have to force yourself to take the plunge to see how this works though. If you’re too shy to ask him to do something outright, move his hand. When you see how willingly he follows your direction, that might give you the confidence you need to deliver verbal instruction.

But sometimes you just have to get over your shyness. It can help to disassociate from yourself. Pretend you’re playing a porn star in a Larry Flint special. In pornos, the women don’t lay there and hope he gets it right. Depending on the genre, they’ll nag, yell, boss, and generally take command.

Or try taking deep breaths and relaxing. The more comfortable you feel, the easier it’ll be for you to release some inhibitions.

But realize that coming isn’t as easy with a guy as it is when you’re by yourself. And the fact that you haven’t come with a guy before is nobody’s fault. There’s nothing wrong with you—it just takes practice!

Be patient and don’t put too much pressure on yourself to have an orgasm when you’re with a guy. You might have some moves you can use to get yourself off, but a guy might not be able to replicate those exactly.

It might take some work and collaboration on both of your parts. But remember, most guys are eager to work with you to achieve climax—no matter how long it takes. It might feel weird for you to make adjustments every few minutes, but the guy is probably so eager to get you off that he won’t notice.